I had a lot of destructive things to hide behind in the past. Now, I don't. Which means that trauma has to come out.
At times you feel really abandoned. Torture flashbacks happen, and you have to fight hard to keep some sense of reality. There's constant body pain (in addition to chest pain from cardiomyopathy). I'm taking some new meds which hopefully won't turn into addictions.
But the pain is still there. At times you feel paralyzed, and just turn everything off and protect yourself. Nobody else is at home right now. Despite that, that doesn't stop nightmares and paranoid thoughts.
I'm not insane. I'm not a sociopath. I'm not a threat to anybody. If I have thoughts about torturing, raping and killing little kids, I leave the room where they are. You have to do the responsible thing.
I'm just trying to face my trauma history without endangering myself.