The Pain is There

We still have nightmares and other symptoms. For the past three nights, it's always been something really violent. At times you see and hear what other horrible people did and said. You fight back because you know you have to. Nobody else is going to save you.

Recently, a mental health source told me that nightmares are one way for your mind/body connection to process the trauma you've been thru. Also, there's the split second when you open your eyes, and you don't know what's real. You try to scream but you have to struggle to have control over your body.

On the other hand, none of it's abnormal in any way (considering the trauma you've been thru and didn't get treatment for for a long time).

We're healing from a long history of severe abuse overall. I try to pay attention to my intuition and say we're doing the right things. Just because we have sick and violent thoughts doesn't mean that we're a monster.

We're just healing from abuse.

Stuff to Keep in Mind

Listening to the Knicks and Celtics online. Some herbal tea and trying to stay grounded. We still have dissociating and despair. Do you ever have a day when you don't feel abandoned?

Without getting into specifics, we know that triggering stuff is everywhere. Is the world ending? No. Instead, keep these in mind.

Keep you self control and respect.

You have no control over what other cruel people say and do. Why do they do this stuff? I don't know.

Protect yourself as reasonably as possible. Pay attention to your intuition. Mine isn't always right. But my percentage is good.

Despite what it may seem like when the world is telling you you don't exist, you do. You also don't have to sink down to their level.

At times, we have crippling despair. We try to look at it like this. We're healing from a long history of horrible abuse. Which means that none of our symptoms are weird in any way.

If you have horrible pain, in a sense that's  a good sign because denial isn't a problem.

You're telling the truth. Which is all that matters.

Trying to Keep a Sense of Focus

The symptoms are still there. Lately, you really have to work hard to screen triggering stuff to protect yourself. Do you feel at times like you're about seven steps ahead of the rest of the world? You know what people. will say, what the responses will be, and why you shouldn't look at any of it. Why bother?

Do you feel abandoned? We really struggle with that. Is there anyone who isn't afraid to admit that I'm a rape survivor? Who's not afraid to show some human decency for ten seconds in their incredibly hectic day? Instead, you get the feeling at times of if they just move fast enough you'll magically disappear and then life will be okay once again?

Trauma survivors aren't statistics in some government report to be manipulated to get huge grants in return. Nobody asks to be a trauma survivor. Yet, how many people actually take the time to acknowledge that?

It's Not Your Fault

Lots of emptiness as we go along. We get things done, but you also have a feeling of being abandoned at the same time. You don't want to fall into the trap of being burned out, cynical and a horrible person. Instead, try to keep a sense of focus as you go along.

Time to break our "no progressive political content" rule. Today, there was another shooting at the US. Capitol. Not all but many "professional pundits" are falling into the trap of making this a nice neat soundbite. A "crazy person" with a gun was stopped by the police. Someone else set himself on fire in front of the Capitol. A women allegedly suffering from post-partum depression was shot and killed by the cops near the Capitol.

Do you have to be a psychiatrist to see that there's a connection between all of these cases? When the stress level is high and there's no end in sight in a Depression (call it what it is), human beings can only take so much.

These aren't just soundbites to be manipulated into a nice neat story, and that's the end of it. However, the corporate MSM says if it doesn't fit, it doesn't exist.

How's that for "balanced journalism".

Let's Focus

A tough day with trying to chill and protect yourself from triggering stuff. You feel totally drained and just try to keep a sense of focus. At times, you feel abandoned and cry all day long.

On the other hand, it's not our fault.

Boundaries and More

A really long day of fighting symptoms and trying to not black out. Now, stay away from triggering stuff as much as possible. Set boundaries and screen everything. Like anybody lese with symptoms, if you basically try to be as healthy as possible, that's a big part of it.

Having said that, you still have nightmares and other problems. Did somebody try to break in last night? Or, was it just a nightmare?

Hyperawareness is still a problem in crowded places. You feel like you're getting bombarded with stimulus from all directions. Do you attack anyone? Do you scream, snap and then possibly black out?

As you fight symptoms and try to stay focused, you feel totally exhausted. At times during the day I just turn things off and stretch out to listen to how I feel. Don't give in and listen to triggering stuff that will make you dissociate for days at  time.

When my multiples and little kid feel sad, we like to sit and rock back and forth for a while. I don't always know the answers for them. But I do my best to reassure them that it's my job to protect us.
I always take the time to explain to them, and never to talk down to them.

How do you deal with feelings of abandonment? We still struggle with feeling like an orphan. We did nothing wrong. Yet, it's still there.

Don't dissociate. As positively as you can, do something else. It's not a matter of having perfect bliss 24/7. Instead, it's a matter of balance.

It's not our fault. We did nothing wrong. We're telling the truth. That's all that matters.

Pay Attention to Subtle Stuff

Still battling symptoms and trying to protect myself from triggering stuff as best I can. Screen everything, and if you don't have to look at something stay away from it.

Part of this is to pay attention to the effects of things on you. Maybe something is second nature, and it doesn't seem to be a problem. Then suddenly you can't do it anymore. I've had to make a lot of changes in diet, hangouts and in other areas. For a long time, I had a really severe junk food habit (in addition to severe alcoholism, destructive dissociating rituals and more). Now, I don't do that stuff anymore. However, you still pay attention to how you feel.

Is it just body chemistry that's healing? Emotions and chemistry? Or more? We try to look at it like it's overall healing from long term abuse.

How's your healing?