Friday, July 31, 2015

Set Boundaries

Lots of errands and fighting symptoms. You can't sit back and do nothing. But as you do, you struggle with pain and questions.

Why didn't I fight back?
Why didn't I grab the nearest weapon and kill all three of these psychos?
Why did I freeze and feel like I lost control over my body?

I know it's not my fault. But you still struggle with these fears.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Sorry to Be Away

Did you miss me? Sorry to be away for so long. It was dealing with a lot of upgrades and updates. Get a new fax/scanner/copier/printer. Time to go up to Windows 8.1 The first time didn't work. Try it again, and install about 300 updates in the process. Now slowly add more software and wait to be able to install Windows 10. We'll see what happens.

I'm still averaging several appointments a week. Symptoms are still there, and you constantly fight to not black out. When you have rare movements of clarity, you fight to not collapse from exhaustion. You have to fight back.

Also, I'm still doing my meditation at night. Now though, I'll try doing it twice a day and see how it goes. You just want to feel safe.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Triggering Stuff Is Everywhere

Into the weekend, and one of those days where it's watch TV at your own risk. Everywhere you turn, it's violent triggering insane stuff. No surprise then that commercial TV ratings continue to go down.

You fight to not dissociate, and then you're trying hard to not black out. It's like constant exhaustion. But you have to protect yourself. Nobody else will do it for you. You feel abandoned, and try to protect yourself.

What else can you do?

Screen everything. If you have any doubts about it, trust yourself and turn it off. What's online?

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Exhaustion Sets In

More appointments today, and more fighting symptoms. You fight to not dissociate, and at times you have brief moments of clarity. Then, you have to fight hard to not black out. You feel like you're always run down.

How do you cope?

Being on benefits, it's not like stuff that only seniors deal with. At times you have to decide. How do I pay for next week's food and my medication? Try as best you can to keep control over your life.

Have a good night.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Protect Yourself

Yes, it's another one of those triggering stuff is everywhere kind of day. Is it safe to look at anything? If i do turn on my TV, 99% of the time I turn the sound down. You have to protect yourself.

In the morning, it takes about fifteen minutes to put my socks and shoes on. Why? Because of adrenalin surges. If you don't massage them, you feel like there's nothing there. If you're running, you have to focus your chi flow. Otherwise it's like you completely fall apart and can't move at all.

Do I have some neurological disease? Fortunately no. But that struggle is still there.

Nightmares still happen. Sometimes I have to turn on all the lights and walk around to make sure that no one else is here. Look on the other side of the bed to make sure the psycho rapist isn't there. Do you still have flashbacks to where you feel  worthless? Am I going to die of AIDS? Will anybody feel safe being around me?

Do these fears ever go away?

Do you scream and not know where you are? What's real and what isn't? I still don't know sometimes.

I just try to protect myself. I also keep in mind it's not my job to save the world. I'm not responsible for what others say and do. I'm busy enough with my own pain.

Time to rest.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Don't Black Out

Another day of fighting hard to not fall apart. When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I don't know. You constantly fight to not dissociate and fall apart. If you don't fight back, all kinds of horrible thoughts hit you all at once. I won't list all of them here, because if I did, I might violently trigger somebody else.

You feel paralyzed with fear. But you can't sit back and do nothing. You have to do something. On bad days with anger, you feel like you're going to snap. Then, you're so exhausted that you lie down. Sometimes you just stay home and try to feel grounded. It's not safe to go out.

Protect yourself.

Monday, July 6, 2015

A Constant Focus

How was your holiday weekend? Here, it was a constant struggle to try and stay grounded. It still is, and at times you just don't go out. You stay home and fight really hard to not black out.

You just try to protect yourself as best you can. Also, others who you don't want to hurt. I still at times have thoughts about raping little kids. If I can't refocus around them, I walk away. What else can you do?

Thursday, July 2, 2015

Struggling to Not Black Out

It's a constant battle to not dissociate and black out. At times you literally don't know what's real and what isn't. You have to fight to keep some sense of reality and to not just fall apart.

At times you just feel paralyzed. You try to get out of bed, but you're so exhausted that you just go back to rest. You have some moments of clarity. But you're also scared. What do you do now?

Set boundaries and protect yourself.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Don't Black Out

How's your July so far? For the past three or four days, no nightmares. Instead, just nothing. Dissociating in the morning is still a battle. You try to drink or eat something to help you to focus. Then, it's another day of battling symptoms.

Body pain is still there. Sick and twisted thoughts. Occasional thoughts about raping little kids. Adrenalin surges. You try to focus your chi flow so you don't feel like you have fibromyalgia, MS or something else. But symptoms are still there.

You try to set boundaries as best you can. At times though, it feels like everywhere you turn it's sick, violent and horrible stuff happening everywhere. I really try to stick to I'm not responsible for saving the world. The endless austerity in Greece (now officially defaulted on their debt) continues to take a horrible toll on the population. People work for months with no idea if they're ever get paid again. Some give up and kill themselves. Meanwhile the politicians try to out spin each other to cover their asses. Which leads to really and boring "in depth analysis" by pundits to fill space and airtime. Just how many ways can you say I have no fucking clue what they'll do next?

Try really hard to focus and keep some sense of being grounded. It feels like you always have to have something to focus on. Despite that, we still have to take breaks from too much stimulus. We have flashbacks to how severe psychosis symptoms have been and continue to be. You try to go into a crowded noisy place, and then you leave fifteen seconds later. It's too much.

Do I wanna go back to scary alcoholism? No. Having said that, it's a non stop battle to not dissociate. You scream and focus so you don't black out. You don't want to fall apart. You're not crazy, weird, a freak or any of that other shit. Your symptoms are a perfectly normal response to horrible severe untreated trauma.

Do you scream in pain at night? Are you scared to try and go to sleep? Do you always feel like the psycho rapist is next to you? You scream and fight hard to not snap. You can't sit back and do nothing.

You don't wanna die, You don't want to hurt anyone. But you get bombarded with pain. Every part of your body hurts. You can barely walk. But you can't sit back and do nothing.

Protect yourself.