Another day of fighting hard to not fall apart. When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I don't know. You constantly fight to not dissociate and fall apart. If you don't fight back, all kinds of horrible thoughts hit you all at once. I won't list all of them here, because if I did, I might violently trigger somebody else.
You feel paralyzed with fear. But you can't sit back and do nothing. You have to do something. On bad days with anger, you feel like you're going to snap. Then, you're so exhausted that you lie down. Sometimes you just stay home and try to feel grounded. It's not safe to go out.