Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Don't Black Out

How's your July so far? For the past three or four days, no nightmares. Instead, just nothing. Dissociating in the morning is still a battle. You try to drink or eat something to help you to focus. Then, it's another day of battling symptoms.

Body pain is still there. Sick and twisted thoughts. Occasional thoughts about raping little kids. Adrenalin surges. You try to focus your chi flow so you don't feel like you have fibromyalgia, MS or something else. But symptoms are still there.

You try to set boundaries as best you can. At times though, it feels like everywhere you turn it's sick, violent and horrible stuff happening everywhere. I really try to stick to I'm not responsible for saving the world. The endless austerity in Greece (now officially defaulted on their debt) continues to take a horrible toll on the population. People work for months with no idea if they're ever get paid again. Some give up and kill themselves. Meanwhile the politicians try to out spin each other to cover their asses. Which leads to really and boring "in depth analysis" by pundits to fill space and airtime. Just how many ways can you say I have no fucking clue what they'll do next?

Try really hard to focus and keep some sense of being grounded. It feels like you always have to have something to focus on. Despite that, we still have to take breaks from too much stimulus. We have flashbacks to how severe psychosis symptoms have been and continue to be. You try to go into a crowded noisy place, and then you leave fifteen seconds later. It's too much.

Do I wanna go back to scary alcoholism? No. Having said that, it's a non stop battle to not dissociate. You scream and focus so you don't black out. You don't want to fall apart. You're not crazy, weird, a freak or any of that other shit. Your symptoms are a perfectly normal response to horrible severe untreated trauma.

Do you scream in pain at night? Are you scared to try and go to sleep? Do you always feel like the psycho rapist is next to you? You scream and fight hard to not snap. You can't sit back and do nothing.

You don't wanna die, You don't want to hurt anyone. But you get bombarded with pain. Every part of your body hurts. You can barely walk. But you can't sit back and do nothing.

Protect yourself.

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