Focus and Run Down

Don't dissociate or black out. Exhaustion is always there. Tiny things take a huge amount of energy. Screen everything. Right now, way too much triggering stuff. We just want to feel safe in our own home.

Screen Everything

Exhaustion and fighting to not black out. Screen everything and protect yourself.

Burnout

Struggling all day with no energy. Everything's a struggle. Screen everything and protect yourself.

Violent Dissociating

No matter what, don't dissociate. It's a constant battle to not black out. You're always run down. But you have to protect your well being.

Screen everything and protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Another day where it feels like everywhere you turn, it's sick and twisted triggering stuff. You can't catch every violently triggering thing. But it feels like nothing's safe.

It's not your responsibility to stop every evil nasty person. But being a survivor, you struggle with protecting yourself and others. You have to fight back. Even though there's no one else physically in the same small space as you, you have to protect yourself.

Do you still have torture flashbacks? We do. Ever thought about getting a gun and killing the psycho rapist that raped you and got away with it. In our case, three never got prosecuted. Filing any case won't work. No statute of limitations, and if it's not a guranteed conviction, no prosecutor will waste their time and resources on it.

You don't want to kill anybody. But the thought is there. And it is important to admit that those thoughts are there.

Anger. Abandonment. Nightmares. Torture flashbacks. Wondering if you can trust anybody. Body pain. Violent dissociating. Struggling to protect yourself.

It's not your fault
You did nothing wrong
Being repeatedly raped doesn't make you worthless
You feel worthless. But you're not

You just want to feel safe.

A Struggle to Focus

Many things to do today. Also, struggling to focus and not dissociate. Cleaning up our diet helps to a certain degree. On the other hand, not having destructive things to hide behind makes pain worse.

Screen everything. We still have days where we feel like we're being bombarded with too much stimulus. It's not our job to save the world. Be aware and care. But your well being comes first.

You scream and fight to not black out. In small spaces you fight to kill the psycho attacker that wants you dead. You can't sit back and do nothing. You have to fight.

There's never a break. Because you have to protect yourself.

Bombarded All Day

Pain all day. Exhaustion and fighting symptoms. Don't black out. Protect yourself. Don't dissociate.

You want to feel safe. But the pain never goes away.

Don't Dissociate

Exhaustion and fighting to not dissociate. Protect yourself at all costs. By the end of the day,you  can barely do anything.

But what choice do you have?

Pain and Exhaustion

Had another slip yesterday with dissociating. You feel like you don't know where you are. Then, you have to fight your way back to some sense of being grounded. You feel exhausted and bombarded with pain. But you have to keep fighting to not fall apart.

Screen everything and protect yourself.

Exhaustion

You try to wake up. But you struggle to do that and not dissociate. Since I got raped,  only once have I been able to do that. The rest of the time, it's a constant battle to not feel assaulted by noise and pain 24 hours a day.

No news today. No violently triggering stuff. Instead, try to protect yourself.

Small Things

You try to get thru your day. But it takes an enormous amount of energy to do the smallest things. Trying to wake up and not disssociate. Take a shower. Fix lunch. By the end of the day, you can barely move. But you don't have a choice.

You have to fight back. You have to try to keep some sense of being grounded.

Fighting to Not Black Out

Despair, anger, frustration and abandonment. You fight to try and keep some sense of being grounded. But everywhere you look, it's triggering stuff.

Despite that, you have to protect yourself.

Everything is Triggering

No TV. Screen everything. All of it feels like a threat. You feel like you're going to snap in two. Dissociating will only make pain worse.

No matter what, don't black out. Don't dissociate. Protect yourself.

Trying to Protect Ourselves

You try not to hide behind things that only make pain worse. This means that you try to face your history as best you can. It also means at times feeling paralyzed by anger, fear, torture flashbacks and more.

We know we did nothing wrong. We try to protect ourselves. This means right now no cable news. Also, almost no TV at all. Death, destruction, racism, rich and powerful pedophile rings. It's too much. You feel like you're the only person that sees all of the pain and what's really happening. On the other hand, you can't handle your pain and the pain of the world all at the same time.

Sometimes, you want no noise. You just sit quietly and try to focus on feeling safe. You're bombarded with violent dissociating and torture flashbacks. You try to protect yourself. But you still scream and fight to not black out.

We're stuck. Not sure what else to say.

What's Real and What Isn't?

Trying to pace ourselves as we get different things done. But we still struggle with nightmares, body pain and dissociating. What's real and what isn't? The pain of our trauma history and how it's still painful now leaves you feeling paralyzed.

But what else can you do?

Protect Yourself

Screening everything and trying to do several things at home. Pace yourself and don't black out.

But the pain is always there. You never get a break.

Focus and Try to Move

Trying to focus and not dissociate. Go in stages and try to do different things at home. No TV because it's way too triggering. Instead, protect yourself.

Don't black out. Screen everything, and protect yourself.

Don't Black Out

Trying to get things done at home. Pace yourself and don't dissociate. Don't black out. It won't make pain easier to cope with. Just the opposite.

Protect yourself.

Trying to Focus

More nightmares and exhaustion. Trying to focus on what's real and what isn't. Protect yourself.

No Breaks

Fight exhaustion all day long. You can't black out. Don't dissociate. Do something else. You can't sit back and do nothing.

The severity of your trauma history hits really hard. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. But everything takes an enormous amount of energy. You try to take lots of breaks, but it doesn't help.

You want to feel safe.

Just Wanting Quiet

You have those days where everything feels like a threat. You can't watch TV, read anything or listen to the radio. Instead, you just want quiet. You just want to feel safe. You don't want to attack anybody. You don't want to hurt anyone.

But the anger is there. Abandonment. Body pain. Flashbacks. What's real and what isn't? It never stops.

Burnout

Almost no sleep at all last night. Then, you struggle to try and get out of bed and have some breakfast. Then, lie down again and try to be able to focus. Then hopefully you'll have some energy and can go into your day.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes no.

Right now violently triggering stuff is everywhere. Almost no TV at all today. There's no reason to watch and then to be violently triggered for days at a stretch. In the past, it took me almost 2 weeks to try and regain some sense of being grounded.

You have to fight back
You can't sit and do nothing
You have to protect yourself
You don't want to fall apart
You're always fighting exhaustion
You can barely get up and do the tiniest things

You just want to feel safe.

Severe Burnout

You try not to black out. But exhaustion is always there. The smallest things take an enormous amount of energy.

Protect yourself.

Don't Dissociate

Try to focus. Don't dissociate. But exhaustion is always there.

Fight All Day Long

Don't dissociate. Don't black out. You're always run down. Just exhaustion.

Trying to Fous

Lots of things to do today. But it takes an enormous amount of energy to go from one to the next. Triggering stuff is everywhere. You have to protect yourself. Screen everything and fight to keep some sense of being grounded.

You don't want to fall back on lots of sugar and other stuff to try and keep your energy level up. That just makes adrenal exhaustion worse.

Protect yourself.

Exhaustion

All day long, fight symptoms. Protect yourself from violently triggering stuff. You can't save the world all by yourself. But you can protect your well being.

Don't dissociate. I don't want to fall back into dissociative rituals and have no idea of where I am. A constant battle.

Constant Battle

Don't dissociate. It's a constant battle to try and focus. Flashbacks and body memory pain still happen.

Try to protect yourself.

Fighting to Not Slip

A rough day yesterday with fighting to not dissociate. If you do, it makes pain worse. Now today, lots to do, but the pain is still there.

Screen everything and protect yourself.