Screen Everything

Another day of fighting symptoms and to not dissociate and black out. It's like at times you don't know what's real and what isn't. You have to focus really hard to not black out. You don't want to disappear and have no idea of where you are or just not care about anything.

If we try to watch TV, it's with the sound turned down. There's too much triggering stuff that can come out of nowhere. At other times, no TV and just listen to peace and quiet.

How do you cope with checking your I can save the world all by myself impulse? We try to say being aware is okay. But nobody's paying us to do it all. Be aware, care and put your well being first.

You have to protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Some errands today, and now some time at home to catch up online. You still have to screen everything to stop violently triggering content. If you watch any TV, turn the sound down and just read the crawl at the bottom of the screen. It's amazing how much your lip reading can improve if you do this.

Do you still have nightmares? We do. Sometimes you have moments of clarity. We can sit and watch something or listen for up to 5 minutes (versus 30 seconds in the past). But then you still have to have a break, because it's too much stimulus. You also then feel like all the pain in your trauma history is flooding out all at once. There's no buffer to protect you. On the other hand, this is scary but good. Better than going back to 24/7 violent unchecked dissociating. Then, you have to constantly fight your way out of being trapped in that cycle.

You can't stop all triggering stuff. But you can try to protect yourself as best you can. You feel exhausted all the time trying to stay grounded and not dissociate and black out. Blackouts still happen. That's just a sign that severe symptoms are still there.

Screen everything and protect yourself.

Try to Focus

The TV is on, but the sound is turned down. That's the only way I can handle it without being triggered. On bad days, there's no noise. I don't want to be bombarded with pain. I just want to feel safe in my own home.

Protect yourself.

Trying to Focus

Trying really hard to not dissociate or black out. If you don't, you feel run down and empty. It takes a huge amount of energy to do the smallest things.

Then again, it has to come out.

Fight to Not Dissociate

The full reality of how severe symptoms have been still happens. It's like the pain, nightmares and more flood out. You have to fight really hard to not dissociate or black out. It will only make pain worse. Do something else.

Protect yourself.

Trying to Rest

Today is chill out day for a while. Got a lot done yesterday, but we were really sore and run down. Today, maybe a nice walk in the park near our house.

Despite that, you still have to protect yourself. The reality of the severity of our symptoms continues to hit in various flashbacks and pain. Then again, it has to come out.

Protect yourself.

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Trying to Stay Grounded

Today, catching up on a lot of stuff. In the process, you also struggle with flashbacks. Many times to how severe symptoms have been in the past, and continue to be now. You know it's not your fault. You do your best to protect your well being. But you still struggle with pain.

It's not our fault. We did nothing wrong. You have no control over other horrible people. But protect yourself.

Back At It

Sorry to be off yesterday. A big emergency happened. The good news is that everything will be okay. But then I was in no shape to do anything.

We still struggle with symptoms, despair and nightmares. But you do the best you can to protect your well being. Cover everything and then see what happens.

Trying to Focus

Don't dissociate. No matter what, do something else. Also, screen everything to protect yourself.

How do you deal with the constant exhaustion?

Trying to Deal with Pain

Protect yourself as you go along. Try to screen everything to stop violently triggering stuff. Because you have to.

We don't want to fall apart. As much as possible, don't dissociate. Do something else. This can mean days just concentrating on holding onto solid things and not being bombarded with pain. But you do what you have to.

You just want to feel safe.

You Have to Fight Back

How's your 24 hour cycle (since this is a global blog)? Here, symptoms are still there. Nightmares, body pain, anal pain, torture flashbacks and wanting to attack anyone who gets in my way. How do you cope with all of that?

It's not a matter of zen bliss 24 hours a day. Instead, you're trying to have some sense of being grounded. On bad days with anger, you try to focus on going into a crowded place safely. But even if you do that, everything still feels magnified. Sights, sounds, colors, violent triggers and everything feels like a threat. Not everyone is a terrorist who wants to kill us. But you still have to be careful. Many times, that means just sitting and watching hundreds of people walk around you. Sometimes you sit for a long time. Then again, you have to do the responsible thing.

Same thing applies when you have split second thoughts about raping and killing little kids. I still believe that psychologically it's bad to deny that those thoughts exist. When they do happen (fortunately not for a long time), you try to protect yourself and others.

Just because those thoughts are there doesn't mean that they're true.
We have no desire to hurt anybody.
If we can't ground ourselves, we leave.

You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to do the right thing.

Do you have thoughts about death? What if I wasn't here? Would ANYBODY care? When they do happen, you have to focus really hard to not get sucked into that downward spiral of thought. Otherwise, you feel like you're falling apart.

Do you still struggle with the severity of your symptoms? We do. Dissociative blackouts still happen. Thoughts about attacking others who treated us like crap. Then again, we're not responsible for what other horrible people do. They have to live with the consequences of their actions. Not us.

What effects does fighting symptoms every day have on you? You never ever have a break, and you can't just sit back and do nothing. Otherwise, you literally disappear.

You don't have a choice.

Don't Dissociate

Another day of fighting symptoms. Another day of fighting to not dissociate. You have to focus really hard and not black out. You don't want to feel scared and not know where you are.

The severity of your symptoms is equal to the severity of your trauma history.

Fighting to Not Fall Apart

A long day of fighting symptoms and at times feeling scared because you feel empty. You have to protect yourself as best you can. But you also have to fight to not dissociate and fall apart.

In my case, dissociating is like binge drinking. You think that it will let you escape pain, but it won't. It just makes it worse. You don't want to literally disappear. You don't know where you are. You don't know what time it is. And worst of all, you have to fight hard to not fall into the trap of just not caring anymore.

You scream and fight to not fall apart. You don't have a choice. If you don't fight back, it feels like you're literally be beaten down by horrible abuse. You have to fight back.

You have to protect yourself.
You have to fight back.
You have to protect your well being.

You feel exhausted all the time. But you don't have a choice.

Try to Focus

Fighting symptoms all day. Got a decent workout in today, despite the heat wave. Now, exhaustion. But at least it gives you some small relief at times from being bombarded with pain.

Time for some tea.

Fighting Exhaustion

Nightmares have come back. This means almost no sleep at all, and struggling in the morning. Throughout the day, fighting to not black out. You scream and try lots of things to ground yourself. But sometimes these don't work.

What do you do then?

You have to screen everything. Sometimes I lie down in the middle of the day because I'm just really run down. You don't have a choice. You have to fight back.

You have to protect yourself.

Fight All Day Long

You can't sit back and do nothing. You have to fight symptoms to keep some sense of being grounded. You feel exhausted and have to take lots of breaks. But what else can you do.

Screen everything and protect yourself.

Non Stop Fighting

Fight symptoms every day. Don't dissociate, no matter what. You're exhausted all the time and at times have to stay in to not dissociate and black out. You don't have a choice.

Enough for the day.

Fighting to Not Black Out

Another long week of fighting symptoms and exhaustion. You scream and fight to focus as pain hits. You have to protect yourself. At the end of the day, you can barely do anything.

But you don't have a choice. Nobody else will protect your well being.

Screen everything and protect yourself to be safe.

Sorry to Be Away

How has your week been? Sorry to be away for a while. But the past week has been rough with exhaustion from battling symptoms. Also, fighting hard to not black out. Do you have days when you scream and fight to keep some sense of being grounded? Dissociating only makes pain worse. So as best you can, you try to keep some feeling of being grounded.

Do nightmares still happen? They still do for us. At times, there are moments of clarity. But along with these come severe mood swings. You know none of this is abnormal in any way. Your symptoms are a reflection of your trauma history.

But the emptiness is still there.

What do you do next?