Try to Not Dissociate

Protect yourself at all costs. Keep your p/h balance in line. Screen everything. And see what happens.

You just want to feel safe.

Keep Your Balance

Enjoying your holiday weekend? If you don't have one, don't blame us.

Another day of fighting symptoms and exhaustion. You try to keep your p/h levels in balance to be able to cope better. But the symptoms are still there. Can't handle big meals anymore. If I overdo it, we then have no energy.

Even after that, exhaustion is still there. Also, a feeling at times like you're going to snap. You try deep breathing and other tools to keep some sense of balance. But you still feel heavy and exhausted.

You just want to feel safe.

Protect Yourself

Fight symptoms. Breath deeply and try to keep some sense of being grounded. Protect yourself at all costs. You feel sad at times, but none of this is abnormal in any way.

You want to feel safe.

Fight to Not Black Out

Aside from fighting symptoms, now we're dealing with severe mood swings. One way to cope with that is to try and keep your p/h level balanced. Despite that, it's still tough.

You just want to protect yourself. You just want to feel safe.

ProtectYourself

Fight symptoms all day and try not to black out. Mood swings are tough to deal with as well. Then again, none of this is abnormal in any way.

You just want to feel safe.

Don't Black Out

Fighting symptoms and pain all day long. Now, total exhaustion.

Protect Yourself

Triggering stuff is everywhere. Our advice? Screen everything. Why? Because weird triggering stuff can come out of nowhere. Sometimes it can take literally weeks to regain some sense of being grounded.

You can't control what others say and do. But you can use your awareness to protect yourself. Use it to your advantage. If your well being isn't first, you can't be effective in other things.

Maybe tomorrow is another no TV day? We'll see.

You Have to Fight Back

Tried to sleep in this morning, but we're still run down. Fight symptoms all day long. Body pain, scream and try to not black out from dissociating. Fight your way out of flashbacks, because you have to. You don't have a choice.

Dissociating makes pain worse. Do something else. Pain at times makes you want to black out. But if you do, what happens then? I still have blackouts where my multiples come out. The last time, one didn't lash out.  But the symptoms are still there.

You feel exhausted, but what choice do you have? You have to protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Pacing ourselves as we do some stuff around the house. No TV (too violent and triggering). Listening/watching anything online is the same thing. Screen everything to protect yourself.

You go for a while, and then stop. Go back again, and then stop. At other times, you get bombarded with flashbacks, pain and fight to not black out.

We'll see what happens.

Run Down

A busy day of fighting symptoms and trying to not black out. In the middle of the day I lie down and hope that that will help. Sometimes it does, and sometimes no. But, what else can you do?

Nightmares and body pain still happen. Do you still have torture flashbacks? You try to feel safe.

Covering Bases

Lots of things to cover. Renewing part of my health coverage. A doctor's letter certifying that I have heart disease so I can renew my driver's license. Then, another Social Security disability letter. In the meantime, fight symptoms and don't black out.

You have to screen everything. Some days I don't want to be bombarded with pain. I can't deal with horrible stuff on TV. You have to screen all online content. You have to protect yourself.

I don't want to dissociate and disappear. But it's really exhausting much of the time to try and stay grounded. By the end of the day, you can't do anything. You never get total relief. It's always there.

But you do the best you can. Because you just want to feel safe.

Moments of Clarity

A long day of fighting symptoms, errands and trying to not black out from dissociating. Nightmares still happen. Sometimes you can't sleep. Sometimes you then get a break. But it's not really a break because they never go away. But you try to fight back and to not just fall apart.

Can you single handedly save the world? No you can't. You have days when you have to screen everything, and you can't watch/read/listen to anything. Then, it's just trying to feel safe. If I don't have to go anywhere, I stay home and just sit with a cold drink and listen to the quiet. You have to protect yourself.

Do you feel like you're about six steps ahead of the rest of the world? My intuition isn't perfect. But I do okay. The idea being the healthier you are, the more receptive you are. How's yours?

It's not your fault.
You did nothing wrong.
You have no control over other horrible people who treat you horribly.
You have to fight back.
You can't just sit back and do nothing.
Do you have days with nothing but sadness and feelings of abandonment?
How do you try to keep grounded?

You just want to feel safe.

Exhaustion

Fight symptoms all day long. You can't dissociate. Take lots of breaks during the day to try and focus your energy. But sometimes it doesn't work.

What then?

Trying to Focus

Don't dissociate. Trying not to feels like a really bad headache that won't stop. Then again, what else can you do?

Covering Bases

Time to catch up on a lot at home. Get rid of junk files and new writing on the laptop. Turn off all triggering stuff. Screen everything to protect yourself, because you have to. No matter what, don't dissociate. Do something else.

For whatever reasons, trying to focus right now is at times extremely painful. You scream and try to not black out in the process. Pain lashes out, and at times you don't know where you are. Violent unchecked dissociating for a long time was "normal". So naturally you wouldn't change that instantly overnight.

But the pain is there.
The nightmares are there.
The torture flashbacks are there.
Split second thoughts about attacking little kids.

You don't feel safe going out at times. You stay home and try to not only protect yourself, but others as well. You have to do the responsible thing.

But they still happen.

You just want to feel safe.

Don't Dissociate

Every day is really painful fighting to not dissociate and black out. You try and focus and at times you feel like you have a migrane that won't go away. On the other hand, you don't have a choice. You have to fight back.

Screen everything and protect yourself.

Don't Black Out

Screaming all day to not dissociate and black out. Then, you lie down because you can't do anything else. Then, it starts again.

No relief.

Bombarded with Symptoms

Don't dissociate. Adrenalin surges come in cycles. You exercise, watch your diet and try to keep some send of being grounded. You fight and scream to not black out. You have no death wise or desire to hurt anybody else. But you have no choice. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

There's no break.

Screaming to Not Dissociate

Fighting really hard for the past few days to not black out from dissociating. Nightmares still happen. You fight your way out of it and don't have a choice. Otherwise you feel like you'll just fall apart.

Do you feel like you don't know what to do? Everything seems to get weirder all the time? You try and screen everything to protect yourself. But even doing that doesn't always work. What then?

At times you have thoughts about, what if I wasn't here anymore? Would anyone miss me or care? You don't have a death wish, but the thoughts are there. You have to fight really hard to not fall into that trap of thinking. Now, on top of that deal with all of the other symptoms and pain that happen every single day.

What happens then?

You just want to have some sense of being grounded and not under attack all the time. You just want to try and feel safe.

Pain and Exhaustion

Constantly fighting to not dissociate. Exhausted and we try to lie down during the day to rest. No break.

Lots of Pain

Woke up in the middle of the night with severe circulation pain in my foot. Went to one of my GP's earlier today. She says it's blood buildup due to taking one of my meds. No exercise and as little pressure as possible on it while it heals.

There's circulation pain. Flasbacks. Torture flashbacks. Anal pain. Nightmares. Paralysis where you open your eyes, and you can't move. You have to focus your energy and try to shock your system back into working.

You just want some relief and to feel safe.

Fighting Symptoms

No matter what, don't dissociate. Do something else. You scream and fight to not black out. You feel wiped out all the time. But you have no other choice.

How do you cope?

Trying to Stay Grounded

Lots of struggle today (partly due to almost no sleep last night). A GP appointment, and then go home and rest. Symptoms are still there, and the constant battle to not dissociate.

Do you struggle with feeling like there's no hope? It's a constant battle and there's no escape. But you can't just sit back and do nothing.

You can't control other horrible people. But you can set boundaries and protect yourself.

You just want to feel safe.

Constant Battle

Sorry to be away for a few days. But the past week has been a constant daily battle to not dissociate or black out. From the time you wake up to the time to go to sleep, it's non-stop. Don't dissociate. You fight to not snap in two or black out. You have to fight back because if you don't, you'll fall apart.

You also struggle with adrenalin surges. You lose feeling at times in different parts of your body. It's like your balance is all messed up. But you can't just sit back and do nothing. You don't want to dissociate and black out. That won't stop pain. It will only make it worse. We still struggle with just how horrible being raped by three psycho pedophiles has been.

You have split second thoughts about what if you weren't here. You don't want to have a death wish. You don't want to just roll over and give up. Which means it's a constant battle. It feels like there's never a break. Every day is the same.

You don't want to die or fall apart. But you have to protect yourself. You don't have a choice.

You have to protect your well being.