Fighting to Stay Focused

It' s been a rough week. Almost every day feels like pain. You wake up and try to go thru your day. But everything is pain. Triggering content is everywhere. Which means that many days are silent. You just want to feel safe.

Many days you feel like you're being bombarded. Sights, sounds, flashbacks, the pain of being raped. Nobody listens and nobody cares. You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing. Just "going with your feelings" doesn't work. You want to feel safe and feel like someone is actually listening to you.

Is anyone paying attention to you? On really bad days, we just sit and want peace and quiet. It's not safe to go outside and potentially attacking someone. You don't have agoraphobia. That's not the problem. The problem is that you have to think about both your safety and the safety of others.

The constant stress of trauma totally drains your energy level. At times I can barely move. Try walking from the car to my front door. Just carrying a few bags. You feel like you're 100 years old. Going up and down stairs is exhausting. You go into a crowded place, and everything is a threat. You strike back first. How do we go thru a crowded place and not black out? We want to scream and just run away.

What happens if we black out and one of my multiples lashes out? It's been a long time since that's happened. But what if it does?

I'm not insane
I'm not a danger to anyone
I have no desire to hurt either myself or anyone else
Just because I was raped by three pedophiles, I have no desire to rape an innocent little kid

Bear with me if gaps happen between posts. I'm still here. Just struggling to keep going.

Do You Feel Abandoned?

Today's one of those dangerous-content-is-everywhere days. Don't go near it. Screen everything, and protect yourself at all costs. With that in mind, do you feel abandoned? Do you feel like nobody's listening or cares? While you can't control what horrible people do and say, you can set boundaries. But the symptoms are still there.

We haven't had a good night's sleep for a really long time. It's like one nightmare after another. Then, you try to get up around 3 a.m. eat something for breakfast, and then go back to bed to try and focus your energy. Now, I can get up and face my day.

Does anybody listen to you? If not, how do you cope? I have no desire to hurt myself or anyone else. But anger is still there. I still at times have fleeting thoughts about raping a little kid. Three monsters raped me and got away with it. So I'll rape a little kid.

Why does this still happen? I'm not a threat to anyone. I don't want to "identify" with the psychos that raped me. But it's still there. By the end of the day fighting all of this, I can barely move.

I'm not crazy. I'm just trying to cope as best I can.

No Desire to Harm Myself or Anybody Else

Nightmares are still happening, and getting worse. It's like being one step short of wanting to die because it's so horrible. In reality though, it's important to not deny that those thoughts are there.

No chi at all right now. We ust want to feel safe.

How Empty Do You Feel?

Finally started with the new therapist. So far so good. Maybe this one won't move like the previous two did. The symptoms are still there. Body pain at times is crippling. One minute you feel like you gave some energy. Then, you're a hundred and ten, and can barely move.

Do you have nightmares? Nobody will help you. Which means you have to fight back all by yourself. Your intuition feels like you're seeing all of the hypocracy in the world. Can you trust anyone? Why are so many horrible people trying to treat you like shit?

Does anybody care?

Being aware of the world and trying to make it better is fine. However, your well being comes first.I can't handle all of the pain in the world and mine at the same time.Which is why now almost always I say no, unless it might help someone in some way.

At certain times you feel like you're about five steps ahead of the rest of the world. I know everything that people will say, do, and what the responses will be. So why bother looking at any of it?

Do you feel like you're going to black out from anger and pain? For a long time, violent unchecked dissociating was a survival tool. Every day you got bombarded with abuse. There was no escape. You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

Am I the only person that sees all of this?

I'm not insane. I'm not psycotic. I'm not a danger to anyone. I didn't ask for all of this pain. But it's still there.

Your symptoms are a reflection of the severity of your trauma. Do I still struggle with denial? I can admit that I was raped. But I still struggle with that. I have bad days where for a spllit second I have thoughts about raping a little kid. I'm not a sick, twisted pedophile. So why do I have these thoughts? A previous therapist said that at times, survivors identify (for lack of a better word) with their rapist. I don't want this, but it's there.

Am I a danger to anyone? No, I'm not. However, when this happens, I'm really sad. Nobody protected me. Is this a fleeting thought about how to get revenge? I don't know.

Does anybody care?

How's Your Balance?

 Kind of a careful day. Careful in the sense of trying to keep a sense of being grounded. Despite that, I still open my eyes and have to really focus hard to try and wake up and not feel like I'm dissociating. Then, how do I get out of bed and walk to my kitchen without adrenalin surges and hallucinations happening? You scream and desperately hold onto solid things.

Then in the kitchen, drink something to help you focus. Nothing with sugar, because that makes it worse. Now, how do I make breakfast without blacking out? After that, you sit and watch non threatening content on TV, and hold onto solid things. On some days, you just stay home and focus on trying to be grounded. By the end of the day, you're so wiped out you can't do anything.

Now, imagine this a daily routine with no break. Ever.

At times, we're really scared. But what else can you do?

Can You Trust Anybody?

Lately, more struggle with fighting to not black out. Everyday it's a battle to keep some sense of being grounded. We still go to doctor appointments and try to get thru tests. However, lately several of the doctors   are deliberately lying when you're trying to find out about if a test is necessary, or not.

Two of my doctors have been recommending that I have a colonoscopy as a cancer screening test. Like any normal person I have concerns about side effects, risks and is there an alternative test available. It's really rough to handle when your doctor literally doesn't tell you anything about this.

Is it necessary?
Is there an alternative? One said no, and the other blew off my concerns. I did tell her that I'm hypoglycemic. So no sleep for 30 hours and fasting for 40 won't work. Apparently she thinks this is an acceptable risk.
Or, she's pissed off that I'm screwing up her profit margin (colonoscopies are one of the most profitable tests available).

If my blood sugar is low, my PTSD symptoms get worse. I've told my doctors this many times. Yet, they apparently don't care?

I'll go elsewhere  for a second opinion, and see what's next. There is an alternative test that can be done which is much safer and accomplishes the same goal.

Do people listen to you? Does it feel like you're being clear, and people just don't care?

You Can't Just Sit Back and Do Nothing

Fighting a lot in the past week to not dissociate and black out. You curl up on the couch, hold onto something solid and rock back and forth. Sometimes you do it all day. Why? Because if you don't, you feel like you're going to snap in two.

You scream fight to not fall apart. You're not abnormal. You're not a psychopath. But the pain is still there. Am I going to black out? I don't go out at times when you feel like you're going to attack somebody. I have no desire to hurt innocent little kids. So why do I have these thoughts?

I try to focus on felling some sense of being grounded. Don't dissociate. Do something else. At times you almost feel like you're going to fall apart from exhaustion. Then again, you have to do something.

You just want to feel safe.