Enjoying your weekend? Another day of battling symptoms. Despite using ging seng and other healthy stuff, we still have to fight hard to focus. Sometimes flashbacks come out of nowhere and it's a real battle to not disappear.
At times my multiples and little kid are sad. There's lots of despair and wondering how come the world won't admit we exist? Now because of the global recession/depression, lots of mental health support is being cut back. Many people are being just referred (blown off) because some places just can't be bothered. We're not trained to deal with dissociating. Oh really? This is a rape crisis line. We all know that PTSD comes from a severe trauma like being brutally raped (for both women and guys). So why are you on this line?
Can anybody else explain this?
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Some Stuff You Need to Know
Have you heard of Johnson Beharry? In the U.K., he's the most highly decorated soldier who's served in Iraq (two Victoria Crosses for bravery). And now, he's taking on the government's treatment of vets who have PTSD and other problems.
How come people have to go years before the government will give them the proper treatment? You could also ask other questions as well. What about guy rape survivors? They are in the military. Which means they have twice as much stress to deal with. Beharry still has problems (and maybe he always will)?
In the States, it's the same thing. And when I hear the media talking about women vets who have PTSD or are rape survivors, I turn it off. Because it's offensive to me and other guy survivors. How come we don't count? How come we're not as important as she is? We have many of the same problems? But because she's a woman, there's more to spin and make money off of? If it's a guy, nobody gives a s**t. So why the f**k should they waste their time?
I called a helpline earlier tonight. In the past they had people who were trained in PTSD. But now, they can't be bothered to deal with PTSD symptoms. Why is that? Because of budget cuts? Is it because they're sick of people "abusing" their line for free therapy. So f**k off and go elsewhere? If you have PTSD symptoms and are having problems, that's a crisis. But obviously, they don't see it that way and just don't care.
I'm reassuring my multiples ad my little kid that it will be ok. They're still terrified at times and wonder why does the world ignore us? We didn't ask to be raped. So how come nobody pays attention? And at times I don't know what to say.
But one aspect is this. We refuse to roll over and die. We have no family and have lost a lot of friends because they couldn't deal with it. But you do what you have to to protect yourself, survive and heal.
How do you deal with feeling ignored?
How come people have to go years before the government will give them the proper treatment? You could also ask other questions as well. What about guy rape survivors? They are in the military. Which means they have twice as much stress to deal with. Beharry still has problems (and maybe he always will)?
In the States, it's the same thing. And when I hear the media talking about women vets who have PTSD or are rape survivors, I turn it off. Because it's offensive to me and other guy survivors. How come we don't count? How come we're not as important as she is? We have many of the same problems? But because she's a woman, there's more to spin and make money off of? If it's a guy, nobody gives a s**t. So why the f**k should they waste their time?
I called a helpline earlier tonight. In the past they had people who were trained in PTSD. But now, they can't be bothered to deal with PTSD symptoms. Why is that? Because of budget cuts? Is it because they're sick of people "abusing" their line for free therapy. So f**k off and go elsewhere? If you have PTSD symptoms and are having problems, that's a crisis. But obviously, they don't see it that way and just don't care.
I'm reassuring my multiples ad my little kid that it will be ok. They're still terrified at times and wonder why does the world ignore us? We didn't ask to be raped. So how come nobody pays attention? And at times I don't know what to say.
But one aspect is this. We refuse to roll over and die. We have no family and have lost a lot of friends because they couldn't deal with it. But you do what you have to to protect yourself, survive and heal.
How do you deal with feeling ignored?
It is Friday, Right?
This blog has to do with one person's fight against PTSD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for your support.
Had a rough therapy session last night. We used EMDR and a LOT of homicidal anger came out. My therapist thinks that backed up anger is one of the big problems. But we keep telling him that we have to be careful. Because if we're not, we'll get eaten alive.
A lot of symptoms are still there. A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is still a huge pain. You have to focus and push to get the anger out. As you do you feel like you're going to snap in two. But what else can you do? The despair is there. How come we have to fight this all the time while the rest of the world treats us like s**t? Then again, you do what you have to to protect yourself. And you're not responsible for what others do and say.
What do you do when you feel stuck?
Had a rough therapy session last night. We used EMDR and a LOT of homicidal anger came out. My therapist thinks that backed up anger is one of the big problems. But we keep telling him that we have to be careful. Because if we're not, we'll get eaten alive.
A lot of symptoms are still there. A stuck fight-or-flight mechanism is still a huge pain. You have to focus and push to get the anger out. As you do you feel like you're going to snap in two. But what else can you do? The despair is there. How come we have to fight this all the time while the rest of the world treats us like s**t? Then again, you do what you have to to protect yourself. And you're not responsible for what others do and say.
What do you do when you feel stuck?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Battling Away
This blog has to do with one person's fight against horrible PTSD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
How's your day? Obama's new Budget is $4 trillion. But will we save money by leaving Iraq and Afghanistan? Noooooo. Can't piss off those defense industry corporations that gave him lots of campaign money.
I'm starting to make some money from one of my websites. But I'm still balancing that with finding the new and better job, dealing with symptoms, and more. At times I have to focus really hard to not dissociate. And to stay away from triggers as much as possible.
Does the anger of being raped always stay with you? How do you keep from being eaten alive by it? Sometimes I have to really focus so I don't vanish in lucid dreams where I kill all the m****rf*****s that treated me like s**t. If I don't, I'm afraid that I'll just snap and that's it.
How do you deal with that feeling of the world saying you don't f*****g exist? So just piss off and go away.
How's your day? Obama's new Budget is $4 trillion. But will we save money by leaving Iraq and Afghanistan? Noooooo. Can't piss off those defense industry corporations that gave him lots of campaign money.
I'm starting to make some money from one of my websites. But I'm still balancing that with finding the new and better job, dealing with symptoms, and more. At times I have to focus really hard to not dissociate. And to stay away from triggers as much as possible.
Does the anger of being raped always stay with you? How do you keep from being eaten alive by it? Sometimes I have to really focus so I don't vanish in lucid dreams where I kill all the m****rf*****s that treated me like s**t. If I don't, I'm afraid that I'll just snap and that's it.
How do you deal with that feeling of the world saying you don't f*****g exist? So just piss off and go away.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
How Do You Cope?
This blog deals with one person fighting PTSD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
Keeping up these days? Didn't get much sleep last night due to lots of horrible lucid dreams and anger. I had to get in my car and go to an empty parking lot and scream for a few hours to try and get it all out. At times all kinds of thoughts happen:
Why is this happening to me?
How come the whole freaking world can be bothered with me fighting to survive?
How come the sick assholes who laughed in my face, treated me like s**t and raped me still come to mind?
I'm not going to off myself or drink again.
So how come it feels so horrible?
Now finally it seems like there's a little more stability. I don't want to be eaten alive by the anger and dissociating. But literally at times you can't think of one positive thing. Because then billions of flashbacks and dissociating hit. You want to scream, but you're in a crowded store. And you don't want to hide in the bathroom. So what do you do?
I try to keep things compartmentalized to cope. That doesn't mean avoiding the anger. But trying to manage it all. Does this work for you? If you're a guy survivor, are you pissed off that the world doesn't say you exist? You have many of the same problems as a woman survivor does. But they can't be bothered to admit that. Why is that?
Keeping up these days? Didn't get much sleep last night due to lots of horrible lucid dreams and anger. I had to get in my car and go to an empty parking lot and scream for a few hours to try and get it all out. At times all kinds of thoughts happen:
Why is this happening to me?
How come the whole freaking world can be bothered with me fighting to survive?
How come the sick assholes who laughed in my face, treated me like s**t and raped me still come to mind?
I'm not going to off myself or drink again.
So how come it feels so horrible?
Now finally it seems like there's a little more stability. I don't want to be eaten alive by the anger and dissociating. But literally at times you can't think of one positive thing. Because then billions of flashbacks and dissociating hit. You want to scream, but you're in a crowded store. And you don't want to hide in the bathroom. So what do you do?
I try to keep things compartmentalized to cope. That doesn't mean avoiding the anger. But trying to manage it all. Does this work for you? If you're a guy survivor, are you pissed off that the world doesn't say you exist? You have many of the same problems as a woman survivor does. But they can't be bothered to admit that. Why is that?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
#101 and still going
Note: This blog talks about one person's fight against PTSD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for the support.
How's YOUR day? Busy with the job hunting and building up the online content/profit. One thing that's helping is to stay off caffeine as much as possible. Instead, use lots of water and Goji juice. It's good for your immune system and helps to keep you centered.
The symptoms are still coming. At times it's like bits of sound and other stuff come out of nowhere. And you have to focus really hard to push back and not disappear into dissociating. Does this happen to anyone else? If ys, how do you cope with that? And everything else?
How's YOUR day? Busy with the job hunting and building up the online content/profit. One thing that's helping is to stay off caffeine as much as possible. Instead, use lots of water and Goji juice. It's good for your immune system and helps to keep you centered.
The symptoms are still coming. At times it's like bits of sound and other stuff come out of nowhere. And you have to focus really hard to push back and not disappear into dissociating. Does this happen to anyone else? If ys, how do you cope with that? And everything else?
Monday, February 23, 2009
Post 100 and counting....
Happy 100th post to you and yours. Busy these days looking for the better job. Bulding up online income. Dealing with symptoms that the rest of the world can't be bothered with. And staying away from triggers as much as possible.
More intergration is starting to happen. But the bad part of that is we're getting bombarded with flashbacks and bits of sound from many different situations and people. It's a real pain in the ass to fight hearing Muzak from hell in your head all day long. You try to ground yourself as much as possible. But what happens if that doesn't help?
Sometimes the homicidal anger comes out and you feel like you're going to snap. Sometimes you feel like you're going to black out.
Does any of this happen to you?
More intergration is starting to happen. But the bad part of that is we're getting bombarded with flashbacks and bits of sound from many different situations and people. It's a real pain in the ass to fight hearing Muzak from hell in your head all day long. You try to ground yourself as much as possible. But what happens if that doesn't help?
Sometimes the homicidal anger comes out and you feel like you're going to snap. Sometimes you feel like you're going to black out.
Does any of this happen to you?
Monday, February 16, 2009
A Good Monday
NOTE: This blog is one person's fight against PTSD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for your support.
It really is Monday. Tomorrow Obama signs the new Bailout. And there's a little more integration today. So we'll see how it develops.
It really is Monday. Tomorrow Obama signs the new Bailout. And there's a little more integration today. So we'll see how it develops.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Time to Catch Up
Note: This blog contains occasional "triggers" (sights, sounds and more) that might be disturbing to trauma survivors. This deals with one person's fight against PTSD from being repeatedly raped by more than one person. If this bothers you, stop reading now. Otherwise, keep going and thanks for your support.
What's up in your world these days? Sorry to be away for a while. It's been looking for the new job, trying to make money online with new sites, symptoms and more.
The past few weeks have been brutal. For a while literally every day it was get hammered with flashbacks and lucid dreams. It's like someobody's beating you down and it's like, f**k you. I can do any f*****g thing I please. You scream and try everything you can to focus and stay grounded. But nothing helps. So you get in your car and go someplace quiet and scream for a few hours until you think you'll collapse. Then you go home and it starts all over again.
My therapist keeps saying it's backed up trauma and needs to come out. But what happens to having one day without symptoms? Will that ever happen?
And now, maybe the adrenalin wore off. And now I can barely move my left arm much of the time. Nothing's broken. But still what do you do when at times the anger is homicidal?
Does this happen to you? How do YOU deal with this?
What's up in your world these days? Sorry to be away for a while. It's been looking for the new job, trying to make money online with new sites, symptoms and more.
The past few weeks have been brutal. For a while literally every day it was get hammered with flashbacks and lucid dreams. It's like someobody's beating you down and it's like, f**k you. I can do any f*****g thing I please. You scream and try everything you can to focus and stay grounded. But nothing helps. So you get in your car and go someplace quiet and scream for a few hours until you think you'll collapse. Then you go home and it starts all over again.
My therapist keeps saying it's backed up trauma and needs to come out. But what happens to having one day without symptoms? Will that ever happen?
And now, maybe the adrenalin wore off. And now I can barely move my left arm much of the time. Nothing's broken. But still what do you do when at times the anger is homicidal?
Does this happen to you? How do YOU deal with this?
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