Went to the psychiatrist today. The past few weeks have been rough:
Depression. Not to the point of offing myself or hurting someone else. But it's like you can't shake it. Even after doing all of the usual techniques to get out of it.
Terrifying abandonment. It's like someone tells a little kid to leave, and then slams the door behind them. The little kid looks all around, and nobody's there to save or reassure them in any way.
More violent triggering stuff. I know there's no way to totally avoid all of it. But you do have to screen it as best you can to protect yourself. Because nobody else will do it for you.
More nightmares that are more terrifying. You wake up in the middle of the night. Then, if you try to go back to sleep, you have more nightmares. Now, try dealing with that for weeks on end.
The heart meds I have to take. As for the anti depressants, I don't want to end up with severe addictions that nobody will listen to me about.
I don't want to go back to all the destructive stuff that I used to do. But now you just want to rock back and forth to try and not feel completely abandoned.