A Low Energy Kind of Day

A rough start today with almost no energy. I had more appointments to go to, and more tomorrow as well. The good news? I don't have arthritis, broken bones or some other bone disease. But we'll see what happens after these new tests.

It's scary opening your eyes in the morning and not being able to move. You have to focus really hard to try and have some sense of being grounded. Pain still happens, and at times you can barely do anything. But it's all connected. Yes, you have to take meds. Aside from that, you have to have an overall view.

You just want to have a sense of balance.

Lots of Pain

At times, it's harder to breathe at night. I can't sit still for a long time, because I get circulation pain all over. I try to sleep at night, but nightmares still happen. I just don't want to be stuck on lots of meds again.

Protect yourself. Pay attention to small things in how you feel. Because it matters.

Nobody Did Anything

I have complex dissociative disorder and psychosis symptoms. I have thoughts about torturing and killing little kids. I have thoughts about killing anybody that gets in my way. But despite all of that, I'm not a monster. I have no desire to hurt anybody.

But the thoughts are still there.

The severity of your symptoms are equal to the severity of your trauma history. It has to come out.

I have to constantly fight back. You can't just go with your feelings. That doesn't work. If you don't, you fall apart.

I was in a psychiatric ward, and NOBODY helped me. Does anybody care???????

You Have to Fight Back

Really exhausted from fighting symptoms. Just rest.

Scary Dissociating

Another day of fighting really hard to not slip and violently dissociate. Lots of pain, and you fight really hard to not black out. Then, you have a really horrible headache because your chi flow is messed up. This means drink lots of sugary drinks and healthy snacks to rebalance it and your p/h balance.

You feel really empty, and lots of pain. You fight really hard to not dissociate or hallucinate. You just want to protect yourself. This means that you have to face your trauma history without endangering yourself in some way.

Do you still struggle with your impulse to save the world all by yourself? I do. Now, it's okay to say sorry, but I can't do that. You're aware and you care. But your well being comes first.

You just want to feel safe.

Fight to Not Dissociate

Non stop fighting to not black out from dissociating. I can leave my house, and get around. But lately it's focus on one thing, and then rest. At other times, just stay in bed and try to rest. You can barely get out of bed and walk short distances. But what else can you do?

Fighting All Day

Fighting symptoms all day long. I just want to rest.

Rough Day

Lots of anger and sadness today. I'm scared at times I'll attack somebody. Trying to be safe.

Tests, Appointments and More

Back to the therapist today. My cancer screening test is negative. But, the GP wants me to come back regarding my shoulder x-rays? Can you give me more specifics? The nurse said sorry, but no. We'll see what happens next.

My chi level really drops at times. You can barely get up and walk around. Can I leave my house? Yes. But you always have to have an escape plan, just in case.

Just stay in and rest.

Extremely Painful

It's a real struggle right now to deal with constant pain. Everything hurts. Emotionally, you feel abandoned and don't know what to do. But you can't sit and do nothing.

You just want to feel safe.

Be Aware of Your Health

I've always tried to keep in mind that health is both physical and mental. In the past, I did a lot of destructive stuff to try and escape the pain of being raped. Now, I don't do that anymore. But the pain is still there.

I still screen everything. I try to trust my intuition. But pain is still there. Many times, you feel like you can't do anything. But you have to protect yourself.

More appointments, a screening test and an X=ray are coming up. Despite all that, we're trying to keep things as balanced as possible.

We just want to feel safe.

Fighting to Protect Your Well Being

A day to try and chill. Stay away from horribly triggering stuff. Protect yourself at all costs. But also, you're always exhausted.

What else can you do?

Feeling Abandoned

Another day of struggling to not black out from symptoms. Especially from abandonment. Can we trust anybody? Or, is everything lies?

We just want to feel safe.

Health is Physical AND Mental

Finally a day off from appointments. You try to sleep in, but many times it doesn't help. However, this time I'm really trying to be aware of overall health. Physical and mental means medications, diet and more.

Does this mean you can cure lots of illnesses only thru diet, meditation and other tools? Not sure. But there's more awareness of this. No, I don't want giant bags of potato chips, cases of beer and giant pizzas every day.

I try to be really careful with medications that I have a choice about taking. I will NEVER EVER go thru horrible addictions like I did in the past, and where NOBODY helped me.

We just want to feel safe.

Depressed and Abandoned

Went to the psychiatrist today. The past few weeks have been rough:

Depression. Not to the point of offing myself or hurting someone else. But it's like you can't shake it. Even after doing all of the usual techniques to get out of it.

Terrifying abandonment. It's like someone tells a little kid to leave, and then slams the door behind them. The little kid looks all around, and nobody's there to save or reassure them in any way.

More violent triggering stuff. I know there's no way to totally avoid all of it. But you do have to  screen it as best you can to protect yourself. Because nobody else will do it for you.

More nightmares that are more terrifying. You wake up in the middle of the night. Then, if you try to go back to sleep, you have more nightmares. Now, try dealing with that for weeks on end.

The heart meds I have to take. As for the anti depressants, I don't want to end up with severe addictions that nobody will listen to me about.

I don't want to go back to all the destructive stuff that I used to do. But now you just want to rock back and forth to try and not feel completely abandoned.

Nightmares and Exhaustion

Every night, nightmares and body pain still happen. If I don't have to go somewhere early he next morning, I sleep in. Even with that, you're still exhausted and fight to not fall apart. More things are violently triggering than before. Which means you have to really be careful.

I don't want to end up with lots of addictions to meds like before. I just want to protect us.

Struggling to Not Black Out

More fighting to not black out from dissociating and exhaustion. You can't sit back and do nothing. At times I can barely sit sit up and move. You have to fight back. Don't dissociate.

Screen everything. Don't collapse. It's like you have a headache all day long. You have to fight back. You have to protect yourself.