Relapsing into Destructive Stuff

Staying in tonight because we have almost no energy. We're trying hard not to go back to violent dissociating and other destructive stuff (alcoholism, a horrible diet, and more). Despite that, you have to keep going.

What else can you do?

Everything's Draining

We've been sober for a long time. We're trying to deal with lots of health problems all at once. By the end of the day, we can barely move. On the other hand, what else can we do to deal with our trauma histotry?

Trying Not to Fall Apart

You think that maybe it's safe to turn on the TV. But when you do, it's all death and destruction. Beheadings, floods, terrorist attacks and unchecked racism. What then? Turn it off. Try to feel safe in your own home.

We do that, but at times we still struggle to not black out from PTSD symptoms. We're not insane. We're not sick. We're not going to hurt either ourselves or anyone else.

You're in a crowded place, and this close to snapping and attacking everyone else around you. How do you escape?

We're not mentally ill. We have health problems that we didn't ask for. We're just trying to cope as best we can.

Fighting for a Balance

We're still trying to keep our system as healthy as possible. Sugar cravings are at times really severe. When I got my last blood test, my doctor said that my blood sugar level was really low. I told her that it's really easy to put on a lot of weight right now. It makes sense to stay off of it as much as possible.

How long does it take to detoxify your system? I don't know. But I do know that this is all connected.
I used alcoholism and a horrible junk food diet as ways (or so I thought) to escape pain. However, they don't work.

We just try to reassure ourselves that despite all of this pain, we're not insane. All of this is a severe but normal response to what we've been thru.

Wanting to be Heard (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk).

As long time readers know, we try to stay away from any progressive political or celebrity content. UNLESS, it's helpful in some way to talk about it, and how it relates to trauma. By now, the whole world knows about Robin Williams' suicide. Yes, it's horrible, and it's too bad that the corporate MSM could care less about the family's privacy. WE MUST KNOW EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT THIS.

Actually, no you don't.

Every trauma story is different. There is no magic cure to fix all problems. Why did he kill himself? Unless the family chooses to talk about that, that's none of our business.

I've been writing this blog for a long time now. I tried various MSM outlets. But NOBODY was interested. So then I said, screw it. I'll start my own outlet and beat you at your own game. Now, over 1,000 posts later, we're still growing and have NO ADS. Why would you want to profit off of people's misery?

Unlike celebrities, I have to be extremely careful. If I'm outed against my will, I could have lots of serious problems. On the other hand, like all trauma survivors, you want to be heard. You want to have some sense of validation. Victim compensation? I'll never be able to have that.

Where's my sense of justice?

I still have severe PTSD symptoms, plus heart disease and liver problems. I've never had a day symptom free. Why not take meds? The last time I did, I had several addictions, and many people refused to help me. Why then go thru that again? I've thought about suicide. But I would never do it.

I thought I was suicidal. I was in a psych ward, and had to literally fight my way out. NOBODY who said they cared about me did anything to help me.

Nobody.

I'm trying to keep my system as clean as possible. The idea being that equals more of a sense of balance. But the symptoms are still there.

You eventually reach a point where you don't want to continue violently dissociating or doing other things to escape pain. Because it's not an escape. It makes it worse.

Hyperawareness is still a problem. Other people walk by me, and part of me says where's my weapon? I come up from behind them, pin them with one arm and then strike back. Cut their throat before they attack me and kill me. It doesn't matter that they're not armed. You see a threat, and you can't just sit back and do nothing.

Do I want to hurt myself or others? No. I have had scenes happen where I kill myself and then others discover my body.

Do they care?
Are they sad, angry or disappointed?
Do they fucking care that I'm dead?

I've had a really long streak of being let down. It's really tough to trust anybody. But I keep going.

Staying Sane in an Insane World

Went out for a run and then put miles in on a stationary bike. After that, some time to just sit and rest. Turn off all rolling 24/7 horrible intl. news. It's not my job to save the world. I just want to sit quietly, and feel safe in my own home. Does this mean I have agoraphobia (fear of leaving home)? No. I just set boundaries and try to focus on bad days to have some sense of being grounded.

On really horrible days, we try to keep our mantra in mind:

We're not insane.
We're not psychotic.
We're not schizophrenic.
We're not a freak, geek, gimp, worthless piece of shit (and other ridiculous garbage).

What we're doing is trying to stay sane in an insane world. You scream and fight really hard to not black out. If I do, will one of my multiples lash out? Then, I'll have no idea of what happened? I try to keep my stress down. Despite that, I still have arrhythmia problems.

I still struggle with the severity of my symptoms. It's like you're back at the first day after being raped. What do we do now?

I've been sober or a long time, and I still have cirrhosis of the liver. I don't feel safe around some people that I know. I rarely sleep for more than two hours at night. When I was admitted to the hospital, I had severe heart disease, arrhythmia, and severe jaundice and cirrhosis. I almost died twice. The first night, my pulse rate was almost 200 beats per minute. The ER people were bombarding me with all kinds of questions and screaming at me (to make sure I was still coherent?). As I was in the ER room, my brother was standing outside. For a split second, I almost felt like I was outside of my own body. You're seeing highlights of your life flashing before your eyes. One minute, he's a little kid crying as he goes off to his first day of school. Then, he's standing in the middle of the ER. There's sadness, because that little kid is gone. And there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm not responsible for the mental health and cruel behavior of others. There's rampant abuse in the "immediate family". Does this mean that now he's abusing the shit out of his kids? I hope not, for their sake.

We just want to feel safe.

Lots of Medication

Finally back after a long week of a test, medication, and then recovery. Some biopsies are being done, and I'll find out soon about those. After that, went back home and just went to bed. EVERY SINGLE PART of my body was sore and tired. An allergic reaction to not taking lots of sedatives for a long time? I don't know.

Today, fighting to not black out and snap. Everything that's happening is normal. Scary but normal, considering everything that we've been through.

Now, just rest.

Severity of Symptoms

We know getting raped isn't our fault. We struggle to try and keep some sense of balance. Despite all of that, you still at times feel like you're back at the first day after you got raped. Nobody saved you and nobody seems to care. You scream to not black out. You know you can't sit back and do nothing.

What else can you do? You just try to keep a sense of balance. Because it's not your fault.

New Boundaries

All trauma survivors know the importance of setting healthy boundaries to protect your well being. Maybe you struggle with the I-can-save-the-world-by-myself idea, and fall short trying. The same has happened to me many times. But now, I've finally realized that I really can't do it all by myself.

My well being comes first. I have severe PTSD and heart disease. These other triggering things are making these worse.

Which means from now on, some new healthy boundaries. Unless some horrible emergency happens, the ONLY ways I'm going to be online is to look at sports scores, listen to some nice tune. Or, something that will help my overall well being. Like maintaining this blog.

As for the rest of it, I'm officially retired.

Just like rampant alcoholism or nonstop violent dissociating, I don't want to go back to that anymore. In the past, at times the stress was so bad that my system literally shorted out. Then when you came to, you had no idea where you were.

Now, I've been sober for over 20 years. I actually have periods where I can focus and not dissociate. I still struggle with it, along with nightmares and all the rest of it.

On the other hand, my well being comes first.

Some of my new benefit cards came in the mail. When everything is active, I'll have that extra protection, so I won't end up homeless or starving to death.

Back to the hospital next week for a new test. Every time I go to the doctor, they want a blood test. It's almost like I know all of the lab techs by their first names. A good thing? You be the judge.