Trying to Fous

Lots of things to do today. But it takes an enormous amount of energy to go from one to the next. Triggering stuff is everywhere. You have to protect yourself. Screen everything and fight to keep some sense of being grounded.

You don't want to fall back on lots of sugar and other stuff to try and keep your energy level up. That just makes adrenal exhaustion worse.

Protect yourself.

Constant Battle

Don't dissociate. It's a constant battle to try and focus. Flashbacks and body memory pain still happen.

Try to protect yourself.

Trying to Focus

Nightmares still happen. This means waking up around 3 a.m., and then eating breakfast. After that, you try to go back to sleep. But the nightmares are still there.

You try to wake up, and battle to not dissociate all day long. Exhaustion is always there. You can't just sit and do nothing. You have to fight back to try and keep some sense of balance.

What's real and what isn't? You have to feel your way thru a lot of space to not feel many times like you're under threat. You never get a break.

You don't have a choice.
You have to protect yourself.

You just want to feel safe.

Listening

Tomorrow, I go back to see the cardiologist. What are the results of my first two day EKG? We'll see. I had to stop taking the newest SSRI med after four days due to sever side effects. Called a nurse help line and was told to go to an ER or a walk in clinic to be safe. Ended up at an ER and had another EKG done. Then they said I could go home (due to only taking it for a short time. No danger of withdrawl symptoms).

Now, every day I try to listen to how I feel. What's causing the pain my legs, back and in other parts of my body? Is it undealt with trauma memory? Is it something else? If you have long term extremely high untreated stress, eventually it has to affect you in many ways:

your autoimmune system
your digestion
weight fluctuation
adrenal glands
and more

I'm not sure what it is. But the pain and symptoms are there. No nightmares right now. Just no dreams at all. Is this my system taking a break? I'm not sure.

Since there's nothing to hide behind anymore (alcoholism and other destructive things), more comes flooding out and seems worse than before. On really bad days, literally everything hurts. I feel like I'm 110, and can barely move. In a good way, I try to look at it as everything is connected. What else can I do?

Stay away from triggering stuff as much as possible. Protect yourself at all costs. Because you can't sit back and do nothing.

Struggling to Not Dissociate

It is the weekend. Just got back with some nice kombucha, and now back to more writing.

I'm really struggling to not dissociate. I'm also trying to face the full reality of my trauma history. A long time of severe abuse, being raped, and getting help from almost no one in person. Do I have to cure myself?

It's like you fight to survive and feel eventually like there's some sense of clarity at times. Then, you feel like you came this close to being psychotic. Not being a therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist, I don't know all of the official dividing lines between various mental health problems. I'm not trying to torture myself. I'm just asking a question that so for no one has answered.

Despite everything that happens, I try to stick with I'm telling the truth. I feel like I'm the only one who sees all of the delusional behavior, denials and more happening around me. If other horrible people choose to be that way, that's their problem. However, I won't sink down to that severly disfunctional level. Why? Because you can't have a rational conversation with someone like that.

No matter how bad the pain gets, don't dissociate. Do something else that's positive.

Do you still screen all content to protect yourself? I have to. Many times I feel like I'm nine steps ahead of everyone else. I'm the only one who sees all of the pain, lies and sick stuff that's happening everywhere. I know I'm not the only one. Then again, that's a common feeling among trauma survivors.

Dissociating in my case is like doing a drug to escape pain. First you may think it will help. Then you realize that it only makes things worse.

What else makes things worse? Trying to cope with depression, fear and a feeling of abandonment. I did nothing wrong. I'm telling the truth.

Getting up in the morning is a mix of breakfast and then trying to focus and not dissociate. In the past I took tons of the wrong medication and felt like a zombie all day long. Now, I sit and try to pay attention to how I feel. You also get hit with flashbacks, adrenalin surges and occasional hallucinations. It's like you're whole system is getting bombarded with pain as you try to focus and have some sense of relief.

Does this happen to you?

As I go along with the job hunting, I do take time for my self care. That can range from going someplace for a snack to just unplugging and sitting on my balcony for a while. You have to protect yourself.

Keep in mind I'm not lying. Everything I talk about is true.That's all that matters.

How's Your Balance?

Yes, it's another screen everything kind of day. I stay away from lots of triggering content, and feel like I'm about 6 steps ahead. I know all the outcomes, so why bother even looking? Do something more constructive.

What keeps me out of trouble? The biggest thing in dealing with symptoms is fighting really hard not to dissociate. If you eat too late at night, that leads to nightmares and no sleep. Even if I do that, I still fight to not black out all day long. Blocked anger at times is still a problem. You feel like you're going to snap and attack everyone you see. However, I'm smart enough not to do that  (and then do jail time for assault). It's like you're barely above a line and can stay coherent. If you fall below it, you don't where you are.

Do I have any other medical problem at the moment? Not that I know of.

How do you cope with adrenalin surges? One way is to stay off chemicals as much as possible. Even if you do that, you still have to focus to rebalance your chi (body energy). Now, try doing that all day long, and everything else you have to do.

I feel like I have to constantly watch my stress level. If I don't, my pupils dialate and I feel like I have no control at all. When that happens, I try to eat and drink something to rebalance. Is it connected to your blood sugar level in some way? Maybe also to a weakened immune system, or adrenal burnout.

Still looking everywhere for as many job leads as possible. At times emigrating comes to mind. If the new jobs aren't here, do I need to go out again? If I do, where would I go? Austerity cuts/problems are still everywhere. Europe and Canada? No. Australia? Problems. Other parts of Asia? I'm not sure.

Just in my case, I can't just sit back and do nothing. If I do, I feel like a shell. You then have to literally shock yourself back into feeling normal again. On bad days with anger, I scream and feel like I'm going to black out. Am I going to have a stroke or heart attack as well? Many times the usual grounding techniques don't work.

What do you do then?

Who's the third pedophile that repeatedly raped me and got away with it? I don't know. I still have violent jumpcut flashcuts to being raped and NOBODY listens or cares. It's like constant painful body memory. Someone's always trying to attack you (even though nobody's there). If you sit back and do nothing, it feels like a rape scene out of "Deliverance". And nobody's going to save you.

Where I live, concealed guns are legal. Do I really want to carry one and kill everyone who laughed at me and treated me like dirt? The thought comes to mind. But no I don't.

Do you feel like you can trust people? Or, is everyone a psychotic threat that wants to rape you and then  kill you? Hyperawareness is still a problem (at times, at home as well). I have to reassure my little kid that no, nobody's going to break in and kill us. Break ins and murders do happen. Not here though because it's my job to protect us.

Next question. How come nobody protected us from the three psycho pedophiles?

Just bear in mind it's not my fault. I'm telling the truth, and that's all that matters.

Peanut Butter and Herbal Tea

Lots of triggering stuff happening right now. My suggestion? Screen everything and only deal with what you have to.

Back to the therapist earlier today. While the appointment time is short, you do the best you can. Despite all the horrible stuff that happens, bear in mind that it's not your fault. I'm telling the truth. That's all that matters.

My overall detoxifying from trauma is still going on. So far, no other illnesses to worry about.

On the other hand, at times I still feel like I'm going to snap. Does that ever go away?

Post for the NSA

Time to break our normal "no progressive politics" rule for a moment. Why? Because there's so much talk about hacking, spying and other forms of surveillance. Which means that while this can add to your trauma, you can also take steps to protect yourself.

Don't leave any obvious clues for a hacker to connect.
Frequently change your passwords and user names. You know the obvious about not using Mom as one example. Instead, make it as challenging as possible.
Use secure email.
Try to find a reputable secure software for your mobile.
Use free IM messaging. If you have an I-phone, use texts as much as possible.

Now, will this slow the govt. down in their spying? Considering the supercomputers that they use, probably not. Can we attach huge files to every message and slow the system down? Probably not.
Then again, you're only responsible for your own safety. Not for the entire world.

Other than that, I'm really sticking to protecting myself. Hope you do the same.

Trauma is Catching Up to You

Covering bases, but pacing myself. One minute there's some clarity. Then, can I trust anybody? You feel like you have to have an escape plan because everyone is a threat. You have to protect yourself. What's my weapon? How do I stop them before they try to rape and then kill me?

Imagine going thru a day and always having this fear.

The psychiatrist says that the severity of my symptoms is the same as a vet who's been in way too many deployments and never got the proper help. Now, trauma is catching up to you.

At least I know that everything I thought, have done and continue to do to protect myself is true.

It's All Connected

Happy Global Mom's Day. If you're either done with it or it's coming up soon in your part of the world, have some fun.

Here, it's been just having time for me. I still have to pace a lot of stuff because of burnout. Screen everything, and struggle with flashbacks that are still too much to cope with.

Is it all connected? Yes, it is. A lot of previous severe illnesses were due to long-term untreated PTSD symptoms. Which leads to the next question. How do you cope with burnout?

It's not my fault. I didn't ask for all of this pain and humiliation. I can't make others understand about the torture that happened to me. On the other hand, I can and will set boundaries to protect myself and my self-esteem.

You're too exhausted at times to do the smallest things. You sit, try to have some sense of clarity, and to not dissociate and black out. You also struggle with despair and abandonment. Someone else can try and say they care about you. However, that doesn't change the fact that you told them you were raped, and they deliberately did nothing.

Now, they have to deal with that. Not me.

You just want relief from pain.

A Question

Another night with almost no sleep. Then, how do I focus and feel like I have some energy and can function? I don't have any other physical illness. Just complex dissociative disorder.

Dissociating is still exhausting. I take breaks during the day, and when I do I just turn everything off. It takes an enormous amount of energy to do tiny things. Even if you stay off caffeine and sugar as best you can.

Constant symptoms also mess up your adrenal system. How long has my fight-or-flight response been stuck? For a long time. I've never had a symptom free day since I was raped.

Have you?

All In 10 Seconds

Staying home right now and time to write. Then to clean. After that, more tea.

Just got back from some morning shopping. And I actually turned down a lot of really sweet stuff. Do I really want about 100 packets of sugar in my system right now? No I don't. Instead, try to focus on some sense of balance.

One minute there's some sense of balance. Then, despair and crippling emptiness and abandonment. However, we're being told that none of this is abnormal in any way.

Screen everything. Set boundaries. We still want some sense of validation and relief from horrible pain. All in tiny 10 second splits.

Reassurance

A long day and a long week. Now, time to kick back for a while and reassure ourselves.

Everybody has moments where they need some reassurance for a variety of reasons. For a few weeks now, I've had a sense of despair. You get up, go to work and do all the other things you have to do. There's also a sense of despair and at times of being abandoned.

You try not to dwell on it. You know that it's not your fault. Despite all that, it's still there.

One way to look at it is detoxifying (both physically and mentally). Being raped isn't your fault. You can't control what horrible people say and do. But, you also want some sense of validation. If someone feels like they've never had any reassuring physical contact for being a trauma survivor, what kind of effects does that have on someone? You could go thru the long explanation of there are no "definitive" studies on this, everyone's different, and more.

All of that may be true. However, we're talking about actual human beings. Not case files for a psychiatry journal.

We just try to reassure ourselves. It's not our fault. Take things in really tiny segments. It's okay to cry all day long.

Unfortunately, there is no instant cure for trauma.

Validation

Happy Easter, and how's your weekend? For man, it's a long holiday. For others, maybe not so long, but still a nice break.

Here, it's been a busy week. Another job interview, and we start a new part-time job this week. Now, it's find daytime hours to fill out the schedule, cover the bills and more. There's also what feels like endless body pain and despair. All of our reputable mental health sources say it's not unexpected at all for this to come out, considering what you've been through. Untreated PSTD symptoms for a long time.

There's also anger and a feeling of abandonment. You fight every day to not give into despair and fall apart. You check yourself into a psych ward because you think you're suicidal, and then you realize you're not (kind of like Billy Joel's story about Bell View). You fight your way out, and practically everyone who says they care about you don't even acknowledge that you're there. No call, no visits, no human contact even after you get out.

Does anybody care if I'm alive?

Women rape survivors need help. Yet, in all of the current talk about women rape survivors getting help, being heard and more, does ANYONE talk about guy survivors? I don't have exactly the same needs as a woman survivor. Yet, I still count.

How come the world doesn't want to admit that?

I have body memory and severe pain. I have body memory of the psycho rapist going down on me, or cumming inside me. You desperately want to wash that away and feel clean and "normal". All normal human beings want to feel validated and not like dirt.

Nobody wants to hear that on social media. The "progressive" media? Not a chance.

Does anybody care what happens to me?

It's a Mix of Stuff

Hi. Sorry to be away for a while. It's been a really rough week. Everything from job interviews to not getting any sleep at night from anger and other symptoms coming out. Now, let's catch up.

We try to keep in mind that we have no control over what others say and do. Odds are that Obama won't call back, even if we did get the Oval Office number. It also amazes me how cruel
various people can be without apparently any comprehension or sign of empathy whatsoever.

Despite all that, what helps frankly not just give in and off yourself?

First, despite all the terror of symptoms, abandonment and what others do and say, I know (and my multiples and little kid also know) that it's not our fault. We didn't ask to be raped. We didn't ask to be humiliated and laughed at while we're in horrible pain. Maybe that's one of the hardest things
to deal with in our healing. How anybody could be capable of that.

We've literally had to fight every single day since we got raped to survive. 99% of the world couldn't be bothered to listen or to take us seriously. It's like being attacked every single day. Nobody's going to listen or care.

How then do you survive?

One answer? Nobody forces others who for whatever reasons decide to do and say cruel things. They choose to do it. Which means that like everybody else, they're responsible for what they do and say. It's not my job to be their therapist and fix this for them. They have to live with the consequences.

On really bad days, we just turn things off and cry all day long. You feel like an empty shell and go thru the day doing various things. If someone asks usual things (how are you, did you find everything you need and more), you smile and respond with the usual responses to get out of there. It's not the normal ups and downs that we all deal with. It's endless despair. You wake up in the morning, and everything feels black. You try to focus and then sit. Everything still feels black.

What do you do then?

Many times we just rock back and forth. My multiples and little kid like that, and not always but many times it helps. Why? Because since we've been raped, we've only had ONE person actually give us a non-threatening reassuring hug and actually mean it when they said I'm sorry you were raped.

If that's only happened once in your entire life, what kind of effect does that have on you? You could say everybody's different. Therefore there's no way to really answer that. While everyone is different, from a survivor's perspective that's dodging the question.

What then does help? Maybe just breaking things down into small segments. How do I get thru the next ten seconds without blacking out? How do I cope with horrible feelings of abandonment? Like literally no one can be bothered to admit that you exist.

How would you cope with that?

Anyway, again sorry to be away for a while. I'll try to keep up here as regularly as I can. Any complaints about this, please blame (a) the economy, (b) politicians. Or (c) both a and b.

Staying In and Warm

How's your week been? Sorry for the gap, but it's been rough.

I'm still on benefits (got cut but for a longer period of time. It balances out?). Symptoms are still there. Lately, despair and feeling abandoned. I'm still covering all the bases I can. Having said that, at times you just sit and don't know what to do.

How do you cope? It's not my fault. I know I'm telling the truth when I talk about being a rape survivor. If others have a problem with that, that's their problem. Being a rape survivor is part of but not the defining thing about me.

Also, I'm not a failure. Keep going.

Free Global Coping Methods

It is Friday (at least in this time zone). How's your weekend looking? Right now, here it's stay away from all triggering stuff as much as possible. Lately, I feel like I'm about six steps ahead of the world. Which can be a trememdous timesaver.

I'm still struggling with abandonment and other PTSD symptoms. No word about the potential new therapist. You feel at times like you're literally paralyzed with despair. I didn't ask for this. I don't want to hurt either myself or anyone else. Why then do I feel like nobody cares?

You don't want to turn into some horrible burned out person. You're not trying for perfect 24/7 bliss. Just a sense of balance.

Another part of it is struggling with the idea of I can save the world from all of the evil people. It would be great, but you can't do it. This means your health comes first. Then, deal with selective activism.

As I switch and try to stay away from triggering stuff (old favorite foods and other things), staying off of caffeine and sugar seem to be the two biggest improvements. Now, meditation is actually easier at times.

If you have sharp intuition, it can feel like you're getting bombarded with stimulus. In a crowded place, it's like trying to listen to every radio station on your stereo all at the same time. How then do you filter this?

It takes practice. Try and focus on one person. For people with severe dissociating, it can be hard to not focus on the other person as you're talking. If that still happens, don't beat yourself down because of it. Instead, just build up your focus as you go. Build the conversation around a mutual interest.

Maybe that's one of the best tools to use. Whatever the trauma is, it's not your fault. Everyone has different things to heal from. The point is that right now you're trying to cope as best you can.

Fear, abandoment, dissociating and all the other symptoms are still there. On the other hand, I'm really working on taking things in small 10 second splits. Keep in mind though that none of it is your fault. None of this is "abnormal" in any way.

Back to work.