A Constant Battle with Symptoms

Another day of fighting symptoms and dissociating. Our tolerance for an acidic diet is gone. Avoid salt and sugar as much as possible. Also salt, which is another stimulant.

Burnout never goes away. But you do your best to protect yourself.

More appointments coming up.

It's a Tough Day

Feeling run down, alone and abandoned today. Just stay home and rest.

A Rough Day

Finally got back home after a rough day. Did my stretching, meditation and tai chi for the night. Now, some nice juice and time to write.

Twice in the past two weeks, I'd eat something, stretch out to rest, and then try to get up. Both times for about 2 seconds I couldn't move. I wasn't resting on one side oor the other. I was lying flat on my back. My eyes were open, and I knew where I was. Yet, for two seconds I couldn't move. Then I could, and had trouble sitting up and walking for about half an hour. Then I'm fine.

What's causing this? I think it's fight-or-flight response. Because of the severity of my syptoms, you still have terrifying moments where you literally can't move. That's what my first therapist said.

Just to be sure (or so I thought), I called a local nurse helpline. Unfortunately the nurse wasn't much help. She seemed to always to stick to a scri[t, and got really pissed off when you asked her deviating questions. She said, go to an ER.

I went, waited four hours, and still got no help. Finally I said enough and went home. Got some dinner on the way back, and now I'm just kicking back before bed.

How do you deal with doctors and others who say we need to know your complete history, and then when you tell them they don't want to hear it? My GP thinks I'm on the right path. As for others, most act like I'm speaking Cantonese. They have no clue (and maybe don't care?) about what I'm saying.

I think this is all interconnected. Until somebody tells me I'm wrong (and so far no one has), I'll keep going with my holistic approach.

We're dealing with a really long ultra severe trauma history that we never got the proper help for. And now we're doing our best to find it.

Trying Not to Relapse

It's still the weekend. Too late to go out. Instead, stay in with some nice tea and some latenight TV.

No more doctor appointments his month. However, bills and trying to always have as many options as possible.Not perfect control, but trying to feel better and not dependent on others for literally every single thing.

Do you have problems with ange and a sense of abandonment. One minute you feel like you have some sense of focus. Then, you literally fall down and cry becuase tou feel like NOBODY's EVER been there to help. Nobody will listen or do anything to help you.

You don't want to off yourself. You don't want to attack everyone you see. Despite all of that, you still struggle with anger.I didn't ask to be raped by three psycho pedophiles.You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. But the anger is still there.

The lucid dreams are still there. The psycho rapist tries to go down on you. You fight back. They try to pin you down, rape you and then cut your throat.

Sorry, but I have to stop. I'm trying not to dissociate. Focus on what's real around you. The anger is still there. But you have to protect yourself.

Just try to keep your sense of balance.

Trying to Cope With the Ups and Downs

It must be Tuesday. Lots of bases to cover as the next therapy appointment is next week. In the meantime, more job hunting and protecting yourself as best you can. Not perfectionism, but a balance.

What's the hardest thing to deal with in symptoms right now? One would be not giving into violently dissociating. In the past, you could dissociate and disappear for hours at a time and not know where you are. Just like doing a drug, it helps you in a sense to escape pain and feel "normal". Now, deal with that about 200 times a day. What do you do? Do you give in? Or, do you say I'll go the other way? It's really exhausting, but I don't want to fall apart and have to fight your way out of that and old dissociating rituals.

As your system is cleaner and you're more aware, use that to your advantage. In job networking, I'm really paying attention to what's said, and how it's said. Is my timing okay, or do I come back later? How do you get past "please check out website and now go away"?

I can't control what other horrible people do and say. On the other hand, I will set boundaries and protect myself. Despair and crippling feelings of abandonment are there as well. Despite that, it's not my fault. I'm telling the truth, and that's all that matters.

How's Your Chemical Balance?

Staying home and getting ready to try for another job interview at a well known firm tomorrow. I've tried twice, but they never called back. Try one more time, and maybe I'll get an actual interview.

As for protecting yourself, I'm sticking to boundaries where needed as much as possible. Horrible flashbacks still happen. Scary, violent dissociating happens as well. You feel like 99% of the real world doesn't care. I'm also struggling with a lifetime of feeling abandoned.

What's another scary thing? I was in a psych ward once because I thought I was suicidal, but I wasn't. I got NO SUPPORT from the "immediate family". I just recently realized, if the worst happened and I ended up back in one and something happened to me, I have no gurantee that any of these people would care.

How do you deal with THAT?

Money, Balance and More

Our suggestion. Stay away from the triggering news, unless you have to look. If you do, screen everything, because there's a lot of sick stuff out there.

More closer to home, another three weeks until the next therapy session. In the meantime, I'm still balancing job leads with money problems, symptoms and more. Protection is also mandatory. Flashbacks to vicious abuse still happen all day long. You try to focus on the present as best you can. Despite doing that, you can still struggle with how come nobody helped me?

Even with the abuse and feelings of abandonment, you try to keep things in mind:

You're not weird, a freak or "abnormal" in any way because of being raped by three serial pedophiles.
Now, all of the backed up trauma is flooding out.
Just because you were raped by pedophiles doesn't mean that you will rape some other little kid.

Why then do I at times have that fleeting thought? I have no desire to hurt either myself or anyone else. Especially an innocent terrified little kid. Why then do I have this fleeting sick and twisted thought?

Is it because it's a reaction of some type to being raped and horrible trauma? I've asked lots of sources, and so far NOBODY knows. My current therapist doesn't like contact with clients outside sessions unless it's an emergency. And I have nowhere else to go to.

The thought comes to mind. Do I have to cure myself?

How Much Can You Handle?

It's a mix of a lot today. We can't handle many formerly favorite foods. One minute there's some sense of focus. Then, despair and abandonment. We still feel run down and take breaks during the day.

Is there some other physical problem that I don't know about? Not sure.

We're just trying to cover bases as best we can. Everything still has to be screened. Then again, what else can I do?

Just trying for some sense of balance.

Do You Feel Abandoned? (Contains Potentially Triggering Content. Read at Your Own Risk)

As I go along, I'm paying attention to my health (mind and body) as best I can. Not perfection, but balance in many things (diet, exercise, lots of rest, emotions and more). No "official" diagnosis on this yet, other than complex PTSD symptoms. Having said that, I think that I have severe adrenal burnout. Years of horrible untreated symptoms can cause that. What else could it be?

I'm not saying all traditional medicine and people are evil. I'm just saying that in my case, I've had better luck with holisitic doctors and treatment versus traditional.

How do you deal with feeling abandoned or denial on the part of others?
Is it your job to make the rest of the world understand?
How do you deal with double standards? I care about you. Now, go away.

I'm really struggling with despair and abandonment. I'm not a case file or a statistic. I'm a human being who exists and is fighting to be heard.

Ongoing Protection

A rough start this morning. Almost no sleep, and do I give in and drink lots of caffeine and sugar? I'm really trying to stay away from that to keep my p/h balance together. Am I still detoxifying from years of junk food abuse? Maybe.

Now, take breaks but try and get lots of things done. No personal assistant, so what else can I do?

Do I still have despair and a sense of abandonment? It's also fighting dissociating all day long. You scream and hold onto solid things around you so you don't black out. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

Protect yourself, set boundaries and feel good about that.

All In 10 Seconds

Staying home right now and time to write. Then to clean. After that, more tea.

Just got back from some morning shopping. And I actually turned down a lot of really sweet stuff. Do I really want about 100 packets of sugar in my system right now? No I don't. Instead, try to focus on some sense of balance.

One minute there's some sense of balance. Then, despair and crippling emptiness and abandonment. However, we're being told that none of this is abnormal in any way.

Screen everything. Set boundaries. We still want some sense of validation and relief from horrible pain. All in tiny 10 second splits.

Exhaustion

Staying in for a while and just concentrating on writing. Not much sleep now for the past week. It's more nightmares, and then you can't go back to sleep around 3 a.m. You eat some breakfast and try to just focus your energy until you feel like you can finally get up. Do we give in and have tons of sugar and caffeine? We're really trying hard to not to.

Dissociating is still exhausting to deal with. You know you're on the right track, and you don't want to fall apart. Then, at the end of the day you feel like you can barely move. My now former counselor had a good point. Unfortunately, severe pain can't be avoided in this case. You didn't face it for a long time, and that's nobody's fault. Now though, it either comes out in a good way, or a bad way.

Pay attention to the effects of things on you. Do you really need all of the sugar and caffeine? Instead, try something else. That doesn't mean never have fun. Just pay attention to how stuff affects you.

Sadness and a feeling of abandonment are still there. However, I did nothing wrong.

Important Questions

How's your week? Into the weekend, and we're struggling with lots of despair and abandonment.

We came across something online recently that was hard to deal with. Just how severe has our dissociating been from being raped? Every single day from that point, we've had to fight really hard to not give into daily abuse.

Abuse from people who say they're your friends.
Immediate family.

Also, no support from various people in authority roles. I won't go into all the abusive stuff that they said, so we won't end up dissociating for about two week to try and get our balance back.

Having said that, how do you reason with someone who uses double standards? One minute, it's I care about you. Then, I can do and say anything I please. Does that upset you in any way? Am I OFFENDING you in some way (heavy sarcasm on offending)?

No, sorry. You can't have it both ways. I just meekly sit back and do nothing? No.

That's how severely dysfunctional a lot of my fight to survive has been.

Since I've been raped, I've only had half a day of no dissociating. I've never had a PTSD symptom free day.

How does that affect someone?

I know it's not my fault. I know I didn't do anything wrong. Yet, being a normal human being, I feel like I've only had one person actually give me a reassuring hug and say I'm sorry you were raped that actually meant it.

Again, how are you supposed to feel? Yes, I'm a survivor. My little kid and multiples are survivors as well. But also, I'm a human being with emotions and not a case file.

Do you cry every night?
Do you feel abandoned?
Do you feel like people admit that you're there?
How do you set boundaries?
How do you protect yourself from dissociating?
Do you feel like you've been deprived of all supportive human contact since you were raped?

Feel free to comment. Thanks for reading.

Reassurance

A long day and a long week. Now, time to kick back for a while and reassure ourselves.

Everybody has moments where they need some reassurance for a variety of reasons. For a few weeks now, I've had a sense of despair. You get up, go to work and do all the other things you have to do. There's also a sense of despair and at times of being abandoned.

You try not to dwell on it. You know that it's not your fault. Despite all that, it's still there.

One way to look at it is detoxifying (both physically and mentally). Being raped isn't your fault. You can't control what horrible people say and do. But, you also want some sense of validation. If someone feels like they've never had any reassuring physical contact for being a trauma survivor, what kind of effects does that have on someone? You could go thru the long explanation of there are no "definitive" studies on this, everyone's different, and more.

All of that may be true. However, we're talking about actual human beings. Not case files for a psychiatry journal.

We just try to reassure ourselves. It's not our fault. Take things in really tiny segments. It's okay to cry all day long.

Unfortunately, there is no instant cure for trauma.

One View of Dissociating

Everybody has a different story about trauma. Nobody heals at the same rates, or has the same history to deal with. But the struggle affects everyone.

In my case, dissociating is one of the hardest things to handle. There's mild dissociating (daydreaming), and then there's violent dissociating. Then, you don't know where you are and fight to not black out.

You black out have no idea what your multiple personalities are doing or saying. Then, you wake up and don't know what happened. How do you apologize for that?

When I open my eyes in the morning, many times it's on four hours or less sleep. You try to focus your energy to be able to literally shock yourself awake. If you don't, you feel like you're in parallel universes all day long.

Now imagine doing that every day for a really long time.

On bad days, it almost feels like you have no control over it. It's a barrier that you have to get past. Otherwise, you have no idea of where you are.

Are meds the answer? In my opinion, no. Why? Because they're a band aid and don't help the problem. Is this because of something that one of my multiples or little kid hasn't been able to talk about? I don't know.

The point is it's there. Go to a job interview and fight to not cry or black out.

We know it's not our fault. As terrifying as this is at times, it's not abnormal in any way. Exhausting yes. Also, a normal response in trying to cope with and heal from horribly severe and untreated PTSD symptoms.

What helps you to keep your focus?

It's a Mix of Stuff

Hi. Sorry to be away for a while. It's been a really rough week. Everything from job interviews to not getting any sleep at night from anger and other symptoms coming out. Now, let's catch up.

We try to keep in mind that we have no control over what others say and do. Odds are that Obama won't call back, even if we did get the Oval Office number. It also amazes me how cruel
various people can be without apparently any comprehension or sign of empathy whatsoever.

Despite all that, what helps frankly not just give in and off yourself?

First, despite all the terror of symptoms, abandonment and what others do and say, I know (and my multiples and little kid also know) that it's not our fault. We didn't ask to be raped. We didn't ask to be humiliated and laughed at while we're in horrible pain. Maybe that's one of the hardest things
to deal with in our healing. How anybody could be capable of that.

We've literally had to fight every single day since we got raped to survive. 99% of the world couldn't be bothered to listen or to take us seriously. It's like being attacked every single day. Nobody's going to listen or care.

How then do you survive?

One answer? Nobody forces others who for whatever reasons decide to do and say cruel things. They choose to do it. Which means that like everybody else, they're responsible for what they do and say. It's not my job to be their therapist and fix this for them. They have to live with the consequences.

On really bad days, we just turn things off and cry all day long. You feel like an empty shell and go thru the day doing various things. If someone asks usual things (how are you, did you find everything you need and more), you smile and respond with the usual responses to get out of there. It's not the normal ups and downs that we all deal with. It's endless despair. You wake up in the morning, and everything feels black. You try to focus and then sit. Everything still feels black.

What do you do then?

Many times we just rock back and forth. My multiples and little kid like that, and not always but many times it helps. Why? Because since we've been raped, we've only had ONE person actually give us a non-threatening reassuring hug and actually mean it when they said I'm sorry you were raped.

If that's only happened once in your entire life, what kind of effect does that have on you? You could say everybody's different. Therefore there's no way to really answer that. While everyone is different, from a survivor's perspective that's dodging the question.

What then does help? Maybe just breaking things down into small segments. How do I get thru the next ten seconds without blacking out? How do I cope with horrible feelings of abandonment? Like literally no one can be bothered to admit that you exist.

How would you cope with that?

Anyway, again sorry to be away for a while. I'll try to keep up here as regularly as I can. Any complaints about this, please blame (a) the economy, (b) politicians. Or (c) both a and b.

Global Sequestration

Welcome to Sequestration Cut Friday. For anyone who doesn't know, these are government cuts that Obama has to sign into law in the next 31 minutes (as we post this). Then, no matter how people spin these, they will happen and affect the global economy.

Now, onto other stuff.

Too cold to go out tonight. Instead, stay in with some nice herbal tea and Net radio. Went to a job fair earlier today (does the rest of the world say "job fair" when various emplyers gather in one place?). Had 8 interviews, and now more leads. Cover all your bases, and have as many options as possible.

As we walked around, at times it was hard to focus. No violent dissociating. However, symptoms are still there. Like any trauma survivor, we want to protect ourselves and go in the most positive direction we can.

That doesn't mean that nightmares aren't still there. It doesn't mean that lucid dreams aren't still there that we have to fight out way out of. Body pain is still there as well.

What else is still there? Flashbacks to horrible dissociating after being raped. You know something's wrong, but you're not sure what it is. You're scared to go to sleep at night. Will you wake up? Why do the same horrible things keep happening? Does anybody hear us trying to scream? How come nobody's there?

Nobody will touch you or reassure you in any way. Do all trauma survivors go thru this?

We use lots of drugs and other things to try and escape from horrible pain. But it only makes it worse.

Nobody's listening. Abuse is everywhere. On the other hand, we refuse to just roll over and die.

Nobody's paying attention. Do we also have to cure ourselves as well?

While you can't control what others do and say, normal human beings that didn't ask to be tortured can only take so much.

Now, at times it feels like there's some clarity. When that happens, not always but many times everything feels black. Not to the point that we'll say that's enough and off ourselves. We'll never make that mistake. Having said that, you have to protect yourself at all costs. Hopefully, where you are in the world isn't to the point where you have to take a gun with you everywhere you go. Will someone attack you? Is someone following you? Are you going to be killed on the job today?

Be selective where you post. Not all but many comment sections are trolls attacking each other because that's what trolls do (whether you're paid for it or not). Do you really want to be part of that?

We're just trying to cope with the despair and feeling of abandonment. Hope it's better in your part of the world.

Lots of Bases to Cover

How's your week looking? Tomorrow, another job interview. Friday, 2 more. Cover all the bases you can.

Aside from that, we're still sticking to protecting ourself. Symptoms are still there, but our holsitic diet helps to have moments of some clarity.

How do you deal with paralyzing fear and abandoment? When it happens to us, it's like you're paralyzed. You literally can't move because you don't know what to do.

Severe body pain is still happening. Is it only due to to much acidic stuff in our diet? Or, is it a combination of that and backed up trauma flooding out? We think it's both.

We just try to keep in mind it's not our fault.

Keep Your Balance

We're struggling with the full severity of being raped. You feel like you're going to scream and fall apart. You try to keep your balance as best you can. Despite that, abandonment is still there.

How do you deal with that?

The Following Takes Place Between 9 and 10 p.m.

Sorry to be away for a while. We'll try to post regularly.

How's your time zone been this past week? How's your balance? In our case, it's a matter of trying to deal with the full reality of the severity of being raped.

It feels at times like everything is hitting at once. There's despair, abandonment and feeling like almost everything is black.

Does anyone want to admit that we exist?

On the other hand, we're trying to say thanks for many things that are improving. Feeling like you have control over your life again. Now we have the fulltime job to build part time hours around. We have our home.

However, we also have PTSD symptoms.

Then again, it's not our fault.

A suggestion. Regardless of where you are in your healing, please don't cut yourself off from support that listens to you and helps.

Have a great 24 hours.