Struggling to Not Dissociate

It is the weekend. Just got back with some nice kombucha, and now back to more writing.

I'm really struggling to not dissociate. I'm also trying to face the full reality of my trauma history. A long time of severe abuse, being raped, and getting help from almost no one in person. Do I have to cure myself?

It's like you fight to survive and feel eventually like there's some sense of clarity at times. Then, you feel like you came this close to being psychotic. Not being a therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist, I don't know all of the official dividing lines between various mental health problems. I'm not trying to torture myself. I'm just asking a question that so for no one has answered.

Despite everything that happens, I try to stick with I'm telling the truth. I feel like I'm the only one who sees all of the delusional behavior, denials and more happening around me. If other horrible people choose to be that way, that's their problem. However, I won't sink down to that severly disfunctional level. Why? Because you can't have a rational conversation with someone like that.

No matter how bad the pain gets, don't dissociate. Do something else that's positive.

Do you still screen all content to protect yourself? I have to. Many times I feel like I'm nine steps ahead of everyone else. I'm the only one who sees all of the pain, lies and sick stuff that's happening everywhere. I know I'm not the only one. Then again, that's a common feeling among trauma survivors.

Dissociating in my case is like doing a drug to escape pain. First you may think it will help. Then you realize that it only makes things worse.

What else makes things worse? Trying to cope with depression, fear and a feeling of abandonment. I did nothing wrong. I'm telling the truth.

Getting up in the morning is a mix of breakfast and then trying to focus and not dissociate. In the past I took tons of the wrong medication and felt like a zombie all day long. Now, I sit and try to pay attention to how I feel. You also get hit with flashbacks, adrenalin surges and occasional hallucinations. It's like you're whole system is getting bombarded with pain as you try to focus and have some sense of relief.

Does this happen to you?

As I go along with the job hunting, I do take time for my self care. That can range from going someplace for a snack to just unplugging and sitting on my balcony for a while. You have to protect yourself.

Keep in mind I'm not lying. Everything I talk about is true.That's all that matters.

Trauma is Catching Up to You

Covering bases, but pacing myself. One minute there's some clarity. Then, can I trust anybody? You feel like you have to have an escape plan because everyone is a threat. You have to protect yourself. What's my weapon? How do I stop them before they try to rape and then kill me?

Imagine going thru a day and always having this fear.

The psychiatrist says that the severity of my symptoms is the same as a vet who's been in way too many deployments and never got the proper help. Now, trauma is catching up to you.

At least I know that everything I thought, have done and continue to do to protect myself is true.

It's All Connected

Happy Global Mom's Day. If you're either done with it or it's coming up soon in your part of the world, have some fun.

Here, it's been just having time for me. I still have to pace a lot of stuff because of burnout. Screen everything, and struggle with flashbacks that are still too much to cope with.

Is it all connected? Yes, it is. A lot of previous severe illnesses were due to long-term untreated PTSD symptoms. Which leads to the next question. How do you cope with burnout?

It's not my fault. I didn't ask for all of this pain and humiliation. I can't make others understand about the torture that happened to me. On the other hand, I can and will set boundaries to protect myself and my self-esteem.

You're too exhausted at times to do the smallest things. You sit, try to have some sense of clarity, and to not dissociate and black out. You also struggle with despair and abandonment. Someone else can try and say they care about you. However, that doesn't change the fact that you told them you were raped, and they deliberately did nothing.

Now, they have to deal with that. Not me.

You just want relief from pain.

Reassurance

A long day and a long week. Now, time to kick back for a while and reassure ourselves.

Everybody has moments where they need some reassurance for a variety of reasons. For a few weeks now, I've had a sense of despair. You get up, go to work and do all the other things you have to do. There's also a sense of despair and at times of being abandoned.

You try not to dwell on it. You know that it's not your fault. Despite all that, it's still there.

One way to look at it is detoxifying (both physically and mentally). Being raped isn't your fault. You can't control what horrible people say and do. But, you also want some sense of validation. If someone feels like they've never had any reassuring physical contact for being a trauma survivor, what kind of effects does that have on someone? You could go thru the long explanation of there are no "definitive" studies on this, everyone's different, and more.

All of that may be true. However, we're talking about actual human beings. Not case files for a psychiatry journal.

We just try to reassure ourselves. It's not our fault. Take things in really tiny segments. It's okay to cry all day long.

Unfortunately, there is no instant cure for trauma.

It's a Mix of Stuff

Hi. Sorry to be away for a while. It's been a really rough week. Everything from job interviews to not getting any sleep at night from anger and other symptoms coming out. Now, let's catch up.

We try to keep in mind that we have no control over what others say and do. Odds are that Obama won't call back, even if we did get the Oval Office number. It also amazes me how cruel
various people can be without apparently any comprehension or sign of empathy whatsoever.

Despite all that, what helps frankly not just give in and off yourself?

First, despite all the terror of symptoms, abandonment and what others do and say, I know (and my multiples and little kid also know) that it's not our fault. We didn't ask to be raped. We didn't ask to be humiliated and laughed at while we're in horrible pain. Maybe that's one of the hardest things
to deal with in our healing. How anybody could be capable of that.

We've literally had to fight every single day since we got raped to survive. 99% of the world couldn't be bothered to listen or to take us seriously. It's like being attacked every single day. Nobody's going to listen or care.

How then do you survive?

One answer? Nobody forces others who for whatever reasons decide to do and say cruel things. They choose to do it. Which means that like everybody else, they're responsible for what they do and say. It's not my job to be their therapist and fix this for them. They have to live with the consequences.

On really bad days, we just turn things off and cry all day long. You feel like an empty shell and go thru the day doing various things. If someone asks usual things (how are you, did you find everything you need and more), you smile and respond with the usual responses to get out of there. It's not the normal ups and downs that we all deal with. It's endless despair. You wake up in the morning, and everything feels black. You try to focus and then sit. Everything still feels black.

What do you do then?

Many times we just rock back and forth. My multiples and little kid like that, and not always but many times it helps. Why? Because since we've been raped, we've only had ONE person actually give us a non-threatening reassuring hug and actually mean it when they said I'm sorry you were raped.

If that's only happened once in your entire life, what kind of effect does that have on you? You could say everybody's different. Therefore there's no way to really answer that. While everyone is different, from a survivor's perspective that's dodging the question.

What then does help? Maybe just breaking things down into small segments. How do I get thru the next ten seconds without blacking out? How do I cope with horrible feelings of abandonment? Like literally no one can be bothered to admit that you exist.

How would you cope with that?

Anyway, again sorry to be away for a while. I'll try to keep up here as regularly as I can. Any complaints about this, please blame (a) the economy, (b) politicians. Or (c) both a and b.

Staying In and Warm

How's your week been? Sorry for the gap, but it's been rough.

I'm still on benefits (got cut but for a longer period of time. It balances out?). Symptoms are still there. Lately, despair and feeling abandoned. I'm still covering all the bases I can. Having said that, at times you just sit and don't know what to do.

How do you cope? It's not my fault. I know I'm telling the truth when I talk about being a rape survivor. If others have a problem with that, that's their problem. Being a rape survivor is part of but not the defining thing about me.

Also, I'm not a failure. Keep going.