Struggling to Not Dissociate

It is the weekend. Just got back with some nice kombucha, and now back to more writing.

I'm really struggling to not dissociate. I'm also trying to face the full reality of my trauma history. A long time of severe abuse, being raped, and getting help from almost no one in person. Do I have to cure myself?

It's like you fight to survive and feel eventually like there's some sense of clarity at times. Then, you feel like you came this close to being psychotic. Not being a therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist, I don't know all of the official dividing lines between various mental health problems. I'm not trying to torture myself. I'm just asking a question that so for no one has answered.

Despite everything that happens, I try to stick with I'm telling the truth. I feel like I'm the only one who sees all of the delusional behavior, denials and more happening around me. If other horrible people choose to be that way, that's their problem. However, I won't sink down to that severly disfunctional level. Why? Because you can't have a rational conversation with someone like that.

No matter how bad the pain gets, don't dissociate. Do something else that's positive.

Do you still screen all content to protect yourself? I have to. Many times I feel like I'm nine steps ahead of everyone else. I'm the only one who sees all of the pain, lies and sick stuff that's happening everywhere. I know I'm not the only one. Then again, that's a common feeling among trauma survivors.

Dissociating in my case is like doing a drug to escape pain. First you may think it will help. Then you realize that it only makes things worse.

What else makes things worse? Trying to cope with depression, fear and a feeling of abandonment. I did nothing wrong. I'm telling the truth.

Getting up in the morning is a mix of breakfast and then trying to focus and not dissociate. In the past I took tons of the wrong medication and felt like a zombie all day long. Now, I sit and try to pay attention to how I feel. You also get hit with flashbacks, adrenalin surges and occasional hallucinations. It's like you're whole system is getting bombarded with pain as you try to focus and have some sense of relief.

Does this happen to you?

As I go along with the job hunting, I do take time for my self care. That can range from going someplace for a snack to just unplugging and sitting on my balcony for a while. You have to protect yourself.

Keep in mind I'm not lying. Everything I talk about is true.That's all that matters.

Does This Happen to You?

It's a holiday, so you'd think it would be just nice and enjoy the sun. However, it's a lot of emptiness and depression. No matter what you do or how you try to ground yourself, they're still there. On the other hand, we haven't slipped for a few days now and gone back to triggering and dissociating stuff to escape pain.

If you have lots of junk in your diet, you dissociate and hallucinate. If you don't and feel clean for a while, you still do these. Why? Is it because a long history of abuse (in every sense of the word) has permanently messed up my system? Just when you think you have some stability, violent flashbacks and lucid dreams happen. I don't know.

You try to have at least ten seconds of focus. No violent symptoms. Just be able to focus on right now.

I have no tolerance for chemicals. A candy bar or a piece of cake? Can't have them. They're too triggering.

Just focus on not dissociating. Do you really want to vanish literally for a week at a time? No I don't.

It's not my fault.