It is the weekend. Just got back with some nice kombucha, and now back to more writing.
I'm really struggling to not dissociate. I'm also trying to face the full reality of my trauma history. A long time of severe abuse, being raped, and getting help from almost no one in person. Do I have to cure myself?
It's like you fight to survive and feel eventually like there's some sense of clarity at times. Then, you feel like you came this close to being psychotic. Not being a therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist, I don't know all of the official dividing lines between various mental health problems. I'm not trying to torture myself. I'm just asking a question that so for no one has answered.
Despite everything that happens, I try to stick with I'm telling the truth. I feel like I'm the only one who sees all of the delusional behavior, denials and more happening around me. If other horrible people choose to be that way, that's their problem. However, I won't sink down to that severly disfunctional level. Why? Because you can't have a rational conversation with someone like that.
No matter how bad the pain gets, don't dissociate. Do something else that's positive.
Do you still screen all content to protect yourself? I have to. Many times I feel like I'm nine steps ahead of everyone else. I'm the only one who sees all of the pain, lies and sick stuff that's happening everywhere. I know I'm not the only one. Then again, that's a common feeling among trauma survivors.
Dissociating in my case is like doing a drug to escape pain. First you may think it will help. Then you realize that it only makes things worse.
What else makes things worse? Trying to cope with depression, fear and a feeling of abandonment. I did nothing wrong. I'm telling the truth.
Getting up in the morning is a mix of breakfast and then trying to focus and not dissociate. In the past I took tons of the wrong medication and felt like a zombie all day long. Now, I sit and try to pay attention to how I feel. You also get hit with flashbacks, adrenalin surges and occasional hallucinations. It's like you're whole system is getting bombarded with pain as you try to focus and have some sense of relief.
Does this happen to you?
As I go along with the job hunting, I do take time for my self care. That can range from going someplace for a snack to just unplugging and sitting on my balcony for a while. You have to protect yourself.
Keep in mind I'm not lying. Everything I talk about is true.That's all that matters.
Showing posts with label speaking out. Show all posts
Showing posts with label speaking out. Show all posts
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Speak Out Globally
Here it is, Day 2. And already there's triggering stuff everywhere you look. We had nothing to do with it.
Our suggestion still works. Unless you have to deal with something due to work, why look/listen to or read it? Your intuition is saying this is bad because it's right. This doesn't mean never have fun. Instead, look at the effects of things on you.
Why are you doing this? Is it because it's an escape from pain? Is it because you need it to live? Or, is it because it's second nature and nobody's ever asked you about it before? The cleaner your system is, the more receptive you are. Why not use your inutition as a tool in a good way?
Had two job interviews earlier today. The bad news is while I didn't get it, they liked my background and said call back in a month. We might still need people. Now, it's keep moving and always have as many options as possible.
Another thing to struggle with? How to be heard as a survivor without being in a dangerous position in the process. If it feels like almost no one will admit that you exist, how do you change that?
Create your own outlet(s). While you may not have the megabudgets that the giant global corporations have, you don't need that. Why? Because the rule of quality content leads to word-of-mouth promotion applies. I've never made money off of this blog. No giant media conglomerate has called and made an offer. Even if they did, I wouldn't sell it. Why? Because corporate profit off of peoples' pain isn't cool. What Google Ad sense ad would YOU put on a blog about various types of trauma?
When I started this, almost no major media outlet would touch this idea. Finally I said, right. I'll beat you at your own game. I'll also do it with no overhead. Can any of those OTHER sites say that? No, they can't.
Don't misunderstand. Just like any other trauma survivor, I want a sense of balance. Part of that is being heard. Thanks for the support and I hope this helps you to be heard as well.
Our suggestion still works. Unless you have to deal with something due to work, why look/listen to or read it? Your intuition is saying this is bad because it's right. This doesn't mean never have fun. Instead, look at the effects of things on you.
Why are you doing this? Is it because it's an escape from pain? Is it because you need it to live? Or, is it because it's second nature and nobody's ever asked you about it before? The cleaner your system is, the more receptive you are. Why not use your inutition as a tool in a good way?
Had two job interviews earlier today. The bad news is while I didn't get it, they liked my background and said call back in a month. We might still need people. Now, it's keep moving and always have as many options as possible.
Another thing to struggle with? How to be heard as a survivor without being in a dangerous position in the process. If it feels like almost no one will admit that you exist, how do you change that?
Create your own outlet(s). While you may not have the megabudgets that the giant global corporations have, you don't need that. Why? Because the rule of quality content leads to word-of-mouth promotion applies. I've never made money off of this blog. No giant media conglomerate has called and made an offer. Even if they did, I wouldn't sell it. Why? Because corporate profit off of peoples' pain isn't cool. What Google Ad sense ad would YOU put on a blog about various types of trauma?
When I started this, almost no major media outlet would touch this idea. Finally I said, right. I'll beat you at your own game. I'll also do it with no overhead. Can any of those OTHER sites say that? No, they can't.
Don't misunderstand. Just like any other trauma survivor, I want a sense of balance. Part of that is being heard. Thanks for the support and I hope this helps you to be heard as well.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
