One Way to Cope

It's a  long weekend of fighting to not dissociate and black out. Much of the past two days has been just lying down and resting. You feel like you have literally no energy at all, but you can't let up for a second. If you do, you feel like you have no control.

In a few days I go to my psychiatrist appt. Like any normal person who's a trauma survivor, I want to be in the best place overall to get the treatment that I know that I need. I don't know what treatment is like in many other countries. However, here (for whatever reasons), many either don't want to hear about guy rape survivors or just don't take you seriously. It's the old "he's making this up to smear somebody" mentality.

I just set that aside and keep going. Also, have as many options as possible. If one place doesn't work, go elsewhere. If it means moving to get the proper treatment, how do I do that and pay for it?

Not all but many doctors and therapists here (in the "greatest medical system in the world") want nothing to do with health coverage or sliding scale fees. Many employers want to move people down to part-time from full-time because they hate Obama and "Obamacare". Generally, holistic treatments are twice as expensive as traditional ones.

Since I don't want bullies who use money as a weapon to control people to have power over myself and my treatment, how do I pay for this? I'm trying to come up with a low stress home business/job that will let me cover all my expenses.

I can't get any victim compensation because the statute of limitations in my case have run out. You have to prove to prosecutors that it's not a waste of their time to go after the possibly one remaining pedophile who might be alive.

I'm trying to space out more medical tests and other expenses while at the same time not feeling like I can't do anything else. At the moment, I'm living on practically no money.

I feel like all of my symptoms and backed up trauma is flooding out all at once. All of the junk food and other triggering stuff that I used to do is also catching up with me?

How long does it take to heal from all of this? I have no idea.

When dissociating is violent, I don't know where I am. Even if you ground yourself, many times that doesn't work.

What do you do then?

All of this is a normal survival response.

Coping Ideas for You

A few errands today, and then just rest. Small things take a huge amount of energy. You just sit at times and don't know what else to do.

However, that's ok. I did nothing wrong, and all of this is a survival mechanism. You feel sad and don't know what to do. Just turn things off and sit. Go for a walk. Go have a drink and sit on the balcony.

It's not your fault.

Ideas on Coping

A scary night last night. Why? It felt like all the terror of being raped and completely abandoned hit all at once. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. Despite that, a feeling of being this close to saying what's the point is there.

Today, it was still there. You go out and do things, but you still feel completely empty and terrified. Everyone we trust says the same thing. Considering what's happened to you, this is completely normal. Terrifying, but normal.

You also have to screen everything. Without going into all the specifics (which defeats the purpose here of not intentionally triggering others), it feels like the rest of the world is saying we don't care what you think. We're going to microanalyze this and beat it death for ratings as long as we can. Which means turn it off and go elsewhere. A suggestion. Even if you're totally wiped out from a long day, don't fall into the trap of not protecting yourself. Because nobody else will. If you do have to watch something, try turning the sound down.

The emptiness is still there. On the other hand, so are we.

Can You Do This?

It's an interesting mix. I'm following some non-triggering stuff online as I write. Normally I'd be eating the usual 2 lb. bag of Doritos and drinking 2 liters of Pepsi. Which would mean no sleep for about the next two days. However, right now no caffeine or refined sugar. Instead, be aware of the effects of it.

Another long day of endlessly fighting dissociating. Despair is still there, and at times feeling abandoned. You literally feel like there's nowhere to turn. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. What do you do?

We've tried to protect ourselves as much as possible. Unintentionally I ignored my multiple personalities and little kid. Eventually though we learned to trust each other, and now we value that. If I have to change something, I never talk down to them. Instead, I always explain what's happening and why it's necessary. It's my job to protect us. Nobody else will.

Howver, on bad days you don't have an explanation. How come nobody will admit that we exist? I'm not sure. It feels like everything is triggering. Is everything and everyone a threat? Your fight-or-flight mechanism is stuck, and you feel like you're going to snap from anger not being able to get out.

Now, do this and everything else you have to do every day. Look cool and calm on the outside, while on the inside you're this close to attacking anyone who gets in your way.

You don't want to get a gun. You don't want to do time for murder or assault. Yet, the anger is there.

Can you literally trust anybody?

Speak Out Globally

Here it is, Day 2. And already there's triggering stuff everywhere you look. We had nothing to do with it.

Our suggestion still works. Unless you have to deal with something due to work, why look/listen to or read it? Your intuition is saying this is bad because it's right. This doesn't mean never have fun. Instead, look at the effects of things on you.

Why are you doing this? Is it because it's an escape from pain? Is it because you need it to live? Or, is it because it's second nature and nobody's ever asked you about it before? The cleaner your system is, the more receptive you are. Why not use your inutition as a tool in a good way?

Had two job interviews earlier today. The bad news is while I didn't get it, they liked my background and said call back in a month. We might still need people. Now, it's keep moving and always have as many options as possible.

Another thing to struggle with? How to be heard as a survivor without being in a dangerous position in the process. If it feels like almost no one will admit that you exist, how do you change that?

Create your own outlet(s). While you may not have the megabudgets that the giant global corporations have, you don't need that. Why? Because the rule of quality content leads to word-of-mouth promotion applies. I've never made money off of this blog. No giant  media conglomerate has called and made an offer. Even if they did, I wouldn't sell it. Why? Because corporate profit off of peoples' pain isn't cool. What Google Ad sense ad would YOU put on a blog about various types of trauma?

When I started this, almost no major media outlet would touch this idea. Finally I said, right. I'll beat you at your own game. I'll also do it with no overhead. Can any of those OTHER sites say that? No, they can't.

Don't misunderstand. Just like any other trauma survivor, I want a sense of balance. Part of that is being heard. Thanks for the support and I hope this helps you to be heard as well.

Look at this. Then Go Do Something Good.

By now, the whole world knows about Office Larry De Primo of the NYPD. He bought a homeless person some socks and boots on a freezing night. What's the homeless guy's story? I don't know. However, having been homeless twice myself, I know what it feels like to literally feel like you have nothing and no one will admit that you exist.

Look at this picture. Then go do something good.

Day 3 of the Diet

Staying in and staying warm tonight. Some nice herbal tea and a tiny amount of peanut butter.

Why tiny? Because we're still sticking to the holistic diet. Which means the tiniest amounts have big effects on our system. We found a website that basically says that for a long time our acidic diet literally poisoned our system. Now, it's detoxifying and trying to regain balance.

Makes sense.

This also means that everything else is flooding out. In between some moments of clarity there's still body pain and other symptoms. It's like you don't know where you are. Then for a split second you do. Then, you feel lost again.

Now, imagine going thru that for years with no sense of relief.

NOBODY told me about any of this. Nobody ever asked, were you raped? Is there a history of sex abuse here? You feel at times like, do I have to cure myself?

Adrenalin surges still happen. You feel at times like you're losing sensation in different parts of your body. This means that many times lots of massage can help to bring feeling back. There's also a history of other medical problems.

I feel that it's all connected.

You scream. You fight to survive and not black out. Along with that, you're eating and drinking tons of junk food. Naturally that only makes the pressure worse.

Now, do that for a really long time and fight to not lose hope that maybe somebody will care.

You have to fight to survive. Can you trust anybody? Will anybody listen? Or, will everybody treat you like s**t? What kind of toll does that take on you?

We just want some sense of balance.