Constantly Fighting Symptoms

Nightmares still happen. You then try to wake up, but you're still fighting to not dissociate. Sometimes you have sleep paralysis. You open your eyes, but you can't do anything else. You know your arms and hands are there. But your energy doesn't reach them. You almost have to focus and will your energy to circulate thru so you can move again.

Why does this happen? Why does almost no sleep always happen? Because pain is always there. Just taking more medication will make it worse. Which means focus and try to protect your well being.

We're not doing anything wrong. We can't save the world all by ourselves. But we do our best to protect ourselves.

Stay warm and well.

Protect Yourself

Here in the States, four days till another possible government shutdown. This means that Congress and Trump can't agree on a budget. So the government shuts down, except for "essential personnel". Yes, they're considered essential.

Symptoms and exhaustion are still there. You try and focus, but the pain never goes away.

Happy New Year

Happy 2018. How's it looking in your part of the world? Here, cold and fighting symptoms. Pain is still there, and at times almost feels paralyzing. We try to stay away from triggering stuff as much as possible. But pain still comes. At times, it feels like your muscles just lock and you can't move.

We know we did nothing wrong. It's not our fault. You try and cope as best you can. But the pain never goes away.

Pain Is Always There

You fight symptoms and try to protect yourself as best you can. But pain is always there. In the US, Trump wants to pass his tax cut law. This is just a way to make rich people really rich and destroy the rest. Some consider it to be "normal procedure" as politicians sit around and just deliberately lie. Even though they know they're on national TV, they don't care.

Despite this, you screen everything and try to protect yourself as best you can. You feel empty, but you know you're doing the right things.

Protect yourself.

Trying to Focus

Another doctor appointment and fighting symptoms. Despair is always there. You try and focus to not dissociate and have a relapse. But the despair almost feels paralyzing. On the other hand, I know we're following the right things.

You have to protect yourself.

Focus and Exhaustion

Fight symptoms and don't let your guard down so you relapse. Exhaustion is always there. This means you have to be careful to not overdue it on salt and sugar in your diet to fight that. What else can you do?

Threats feel like they're everywhere. Screen everything and protect yourself.

Nothing to Hide Behind

Fight symptoms and don't dissociate. You have to fight back to not let your guard down. You have nothing to hide behind. Exhaustion is always there. But what else can you do?

Triggering Stuff Is Everywhere

Another day of triggering stuff that's everywhere. You never get a break. Dissociating is still a daily struggle. It's like you constantly fight split second flashbacks. You have to fight your way out of it to regain some sense of being grounded. But it never stops.

You can't stop all of the evil people in the world. But you protect yourself as best you can. Also, don't let your guard down to where you might relapse. Why do people always relapse? Because the pain is always there.

Protect yourself.

Screen Everything

Another day where everything needs to be screened. Triggering stuff comes out of the weirdest places. Today, it's everywhere.

Symptoms and pain are always there. You scream and fight to get pain out because you have to. At the end of the day, you're totally wiped out. But you also have a brief sense of relief.

You have to protect yourself.

Had Another Slip

A horrible night last night because of another dissociating slip. We don't have a death wish. We don't get off on pain. So why do we keep having slips?

I'm an alcoholic.
I have an addictive personality. But I'm a person, not a category.

Using only makes the pain worse. This was one of many causes of my heart disease. But also, it shows that the pain never goes away. You're not a freak, weird, strange or a danger to anybody. But PTSD is incurable. You try and cope as best you can.

Protect yourself.

Fight Symptoms

Constant exhaustion as we fight symptoms and to not dissociate. You constantly have to screen everything to protect yourself. On the other hand, what else can you do?

Fighting Symptoms

Sorry to be away for a while. But it's the same battle. Almost no sleep. Not knowing if we're dissociating or dreaming. Sleep paralysis. Imagine you feel awake, but your body can't move. You have to try and shock yourself awake. You constantly fight pain that's always there.

You have to screen everything to protect yourself. Anywhere you go means having an escape plan. How do I get out of here safely without attacking somebody? We still have dissociative blackouts. Which tells us that pain is always there.

It's like all of the pain from your trauma history is flooding out all at once. Denial will only make it worse. Dissociating will make pain worse, not better.

You have to fight back.
Screen everything.
Always have an escape plan.
Protect yourself, no matter what.
It's not your fault.
You can't save the world all by yourself.
You have to fight back.

You have to fight back.

Screen Everything

Nightmares happen every night. Almost no sleep and constant exhaustion. The full range of symptoms. This means no TV and almost no Net content. Screen everything and protect yourself at all costs.

You have to constantly fight back. You don't have a choice. If you thought that everything was wonderful all the time, you'd probably have a breakdown.

Pain is always there. It never lets up.On the other hand, we know that we're doing the right thing to protect our well being.  Screen everything and don't let up.

Cover a Lot. But Don't Dissociate

Trying to keep some sense of focus as we fight symptoms and to not dissociate. But the pain is always there. The exhaustion of trying to focus and not have a relapse. It's just like any addict relapsing. Why do you use? To escape pain. Why do people dissociate? To escape pain. But denial only makes things worse.

You can't save the world all by yourself. The body pain never goes away. It's always there. You have to constantly fight back. I have anal pain. But the psycho rapist isn't raping us. We scream in pain. But they're not there.

Even though they're not there, that doesn't matter. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back.

You have to protect yourself.

Almost No Sleep

The pain never goes away. Got about one hour of sleep due to more nightmares. But we know that we're not weird, strange or a danger in any way to anybody. You have to fight back. Don't dissociate. Don't let your guard down so you'll black out.

You have to fight back.

Protect Yourself

Another day of fighting symptoms. Had another dissociative slip. You fight to try and focus and say, it's not the end of the world. But it makes the pain worse and not better.

We're not a failure. Slips are like an addicts' slips. We have no desire to hurt ourselves or anybody else. You do your best to not set yourself up to slip. But the pain never goes away.

Protect yourself.

Face Your History Head On

Trying really hard to face our trauma history. It feels like just now we're facing the full horror of it. At times it's really painful to try to focus and not dissociate and black out. But what else can we do?

Protect yourself. Screen everything.

Trying to Focus

Burnout is always there. Just like all the other symptoms. Don't dissociate. Don't let your guard down to then black out. You have no idea of where you are. You have to protect yourselves.

Screen everything and stay safe.

Trying to Balanace

Went to a cardiologist appointment about two weeks ago. My heart function rate is up to 45%. Still below normal (55-65%) though. Now, my function rate is up, but my appetite is going down. I used to be able to drink about 6 glasses a day. Now I can barely drink 3.

What's causing this? Also, my energy level is down. I can exercise, but it takes more out of you than before. Is my adrenal burnout affecting this as well? I'm not sure.

But I do know that in my case, dissociating is an addiction that I always struggle with. You think it's a way to escape pain. But it's not. It just makes it worse.

You just want to feel safe.

Bombarded with Pain

Nightmares are back. You fight to survive and then open your eyes. You try to focus and have some idea of where you are. Is this real or not? Are you dissociating or not? Sometimes psychosis symptoms happen. It's like your whole system is being assaulted.

You walk around in the dark and try to feel safe. Sometimes you go back to bed and try to get some sleep. Almost always you go back to the nightmares. Then, you turn on the TV with the sound down. That way you try to focus on something tangible. You're always run down.

Word on the radio interview is that a MP3 copy is on the way. Once I know how to find it online, I'll post it here. In the meantime, everything has to be screened. You feel like you're constantly being bombarded with flashbacks, images and pain. You have to fight to try and keep some sense of being grounded. Easy to say, but not always to do.

Am I responsible for saving the world from all of the evil people? No. But you still struggle with that. Instead, you try to protect your well being. Pay attention to small things in how you feel. Don't just blow everything off. Instead, if it's a threat, no.

Relapsing and violently dissociating only makes things worse. Try to not intentionally put yourself in a situation where you would.

Protect yourself.