Nothing to Hide Behind

Fight symptoms and don't dissociate. You have to fight back to not let your guard down. You have nothing to hide behind. Exhaustion is always there. But what else can you do?

The New Year

Happy 2017. Hope your part of the world is starting off okay. Here it's been fighting symptoms and the medical system. I had two tests done, and it's a struggle to get correct information. Do you have the right test results? No, you have the wrong one. People are calling me and then mention tests. But they don't say which one. So this means first go see my cardiologist. then possible have a another cancer screening test.

At times it's just lots of pain. I know I did nothing wrong. But you feel like there's no escape. You just want to keep some sense of being grounded. You just want to protect yourself.

I haven't had a dissociative relapse in almost a month. I don't want to literally disappear and not care. You have to protect yourself.

You just want to feel safe.

What's Causing It?

Another day with not only PTSD symptoms, but body pain as well. I can barely roll over, sit up and get out of bed. It feels like my lower spine is all pain. What's causing this? I know that health is both physical and mental. What is it?

Some form of arthritis?
Some form of cancer?
Trauma pain that's flooding out?
Severe allergic reaction?

I have to take heart meds and some supplements. I've started a new supplement to see if it gives some relief. On really bad days, EVERYTHING HURTS. Next month I'll try to get a specialist referral from one of my GP's.

You just want to feel safe.

How's Your Balance?

Yes, it's another screen everything kind of day. I stay away from lots of triggering content, and feel like I'm about 6 steps ahead. I know all the outcomes, so why bother even looking? Do something more constructive.

What keeps me out of trouble? The biggest thing in dealing with symptoms is fighting really hard not to dissociate. If you eat too late at night, that leads to nightmares and no sleep. Even if I do that, I still fight to not black out all day long. Blocked anger at times is still a problem. You feel like you're going to snap and attack everyone you see. However, I'm smart enough not to do that  (and then do jail time for assault). It's like you're barely above a line and can stay coherent. If you fall below it, you don't where you are.

Do I have any other medical problem at the moment? Not that I know of.

How do you cope with adrenalin surges? One way is to stay off chemicals as much as possible. Even if you do that, you still have to focus to rebalance your chi (body energy). Now, try doing that all day long, and everything else you have to do.

I feel like I have to constantly watch my stress level. If I don't, my pupils dialate and I feel like I have no control at all. When that happens, I try to eat and drink something to rebalance. Is it connected to your blood sugar level in some way? Maybe also to a weakened immune system, or adrenal burnout.

Still looking everywhere for as many job leads as possible. At times emigrating comes to mind. If the new jobs aren't here, do I need to go out again? If I do, where would I go? Austerity cuts/problems are still everywhere. Europe and Canada? No. Australia? Problems. Other parts of Asia? I'm not sure.

Just in my case, I can't just sit back and do nothing. If I do, I feel like a shell. You then have to literally shock yourself back into feeling normal again. On bad days with anger, I scream and feel like I'm going to black out. Am I going to have a stroke or heart attack as well? Many times the usual grounding techniques don't work.

What do you do then?

Who's the third pedophile that repeatedly raped me and got away with it? I don't know. I still have violent jumpcut flashcuts to being raped and NOBODY listens or cares. It's like constant painful body memory. Someone's always trying to attack you (even though nobody's there). If you sit back and do nothing, it feels like a rape scene out of "Deliverance". And nobody's going to save you.

Where I live, concealed guns are legal. Do I really want to carry one and kill everyone who laughed at me and treated me like dirt? The thought comes to mind. But no I don't.

Do you feel like you can trust people? Or, is everyone a psychotic threat that wants to rape you and then  kill you? Hyperawareness is still a problem (at times, at home as well). I have to reassure my little kid that no, nobody's going to break in and kill us. Break ins and murders do happen. Not here though because it's my job to protect us.

Next question. How come nobody protected us from the three psycho pedophiles?

Just bear in mind it's not my fault. I'm telling the truth, and that's all that matters.