Fight to Focus

Another night of almost no sleep. Then when you try to fall asleep, you have sleep paralysis. You're awake, but that's it. You literally can't move any part of your body. You can't open your mouth or eyes. It's like your entire nervous system is completely scrambled. Then you have to focus really hard to almost shock your system back into balance. This is just another sign that your trauma pain never goes away.

Now, don't let your guard down. Don't violently dissociate and black out. You have to fight back to protect your well being.

Because you have to.

Triggering Stuff is Everywhere

Another day of cold, symptoms and lots of triggering stuff. Unless they stop it, the US government will shutdown at midnight Friday. Why do the politicians do this stupid stuff? Because they like money and power.

You try to be aware and care. But your well being comes first. Because if it doesn't, you can't be effective.

Protect yourself.

Constantly Fighting Symptoms

Nightmares still happen. You then try to wake up, but you're still fighting to not dissociate. Sometimes you have sleep paralysis. You open your eyes, but you can't do anything else. You know your arms and hands are there. But your energy doesn't reach them. You almost have to focus and will your energy to circulate thru so you can move again.

Why does this happen? Why does almost no sleep always happen? Because pain is always there. Just taking more medication will make it worse. Which means focus and try to protect your well being.

We're not doing anything wrong. We can't save the world all by ourselves. But we do our best to protect ourselves.

Stay warm and well.

Protect Yourself

Here in the States, four days till another possible government shutdown. This means that Congress and Trump can't agree on a budget. So the government shuts down, except for "essential personnel". Yes, they're considered essential.

Symptoms and exhaustion are still there. You try and focus, but the pain never goes away.

Triggering Stuff Is Everywhere

Another day of triggering stuff that's everywhere. You never get a break. Dissociating is still a daily struggle. It's like you constantly fight split second flashbacks. You have to fight your way out of it to regain some sense of being grounded. But it never stops.

You can't stop all of the evil people in the world. But you protect yourself as best you can. Also, don't let your guard down to where you might relapse. Why do people always relapse? Because the pain is always there.

Protect yourself.

Screen Everything

Another day where everything needs to be screened. Triggering stuff comes out of the weirdest places. Today, it's everywhere.

Symptoms and pain are always there. You scream and fight to get pain out because you have to. At the end of the day, you're totally wiped out. But you also have a brief sense of relief.

You have to protect yourself.

Had Another Slip

A horrible night last night because of another dissociating slip. We don't have a death wish. We don't get off on pain. So why do we keep having slips?

I'm an alcoholic.
I have an addictive personality. But I'm a person, not a category.

Using only makes the pain worse. This was one of many causes of my heart disease. But also, it shows that the pain never goes away. You're not a freak, weird, strange or a danger to anybody. But PTSD is incurable. You try and cope as best you can.

Protect yourself.

Fighting Symptoms

Sorry to be away for a while. But it's the same battle. Almost no sleep. Not knowing if we're dissociating or dreaming. Sleep paralysis. Imagine you feel awake, but your body can't move. You have to try and shock yourself awake. You constantly fight pain that's always there.

You have to screen everything to protect yourself. Anywhere you go means having an escape plan. How do I get out of here safely without attacking somebody? We still have dissociative blackouts. Which tells us that pain is always there.

It's like all of the pain from your trauma history is flooding out all at once. Denial will only make it worse. Dissociating will make pain worse, not better.

You have to fight back.
Screen everything.
Always have an escape plan.
Protect yourself, no matter what.
It's not your fault.
You can't save the world all by yourself.
You have to fight back.

You have to fight back.

Screen Everything

Nightmares happen every night. Almost no sleep and constant exhaustion. The full range of symptoms. This means no TV and almost no Net content. Screen everything and protect yourself at all costs.

You have to constantly fight back. You don't have a choice. If you thought that everything was wonderful all the time, you'd probably have a breakdown.

Pain is always there. It never lets up.On the other hand, we know that we're doing the right thing to protect our well being.  Screen everything and don't let up.

Pain is Everywhere

Fight symptoms. Don't dissociate. Arthritic pain is everywhere. Just don't black out.

Protect Yourself

The hurricanes keep coming. The neocons want to kill millions with their "health care" bill. The rich and powerful say they can have the best of everything. Why? Because they're rich and powerful, of course.

Right now, no noise. No TV, no being bombarded with pain. There's enough of that every day as it is. Instead, protect yourself. Don't dissociate. Don't let your guard down so that you'll fall apart. You have to protect yourself.

Health is holistic. Both physical and mental. When problems flare up, they're connected to something deeper.  Because it all has to come out. If trauma doesn't come out in one way, it will come out in other destructive ways. Why do addicts use? To escape pain.

What other choice do you have except to face it head on?

A Storm and More

What's the latest? The tropical storm is now a Level 3 hurricane, and growing as we speak. It's supposed to hit the coast by tomorrow afternoon. Which means lots of last minute shopping (binge for some?). The bottled water is almost gone. Imagine rows with empty shelves. Our attitude? Plan for the worst. If it doesn't happen, you don't have to shop for a while.

Symptoms are still there. Arthritic pain is worse today. We try to look at it like it's trauma pain flooding out. At times you feel paralyzed. What do you do? Despite that, you have to fight back.

We can't control Trump. The government going bankrupt. Rampant racism. You just try to be aware and care. But your well being comes first.

You Can't Save the World All By Yourself

Everywhere you look, it's death and destruction. War crimes, racism, growing inequality. What can one person do about this? Can you save the world all by yourself? Unfortunately no. But, being aware and caring is just as important.

We're a firm believer in facing your trauma history head on as best you can. As long as it doesn't endanger yourself. Some days you feel like you have some fleeting moments of focus. Others, you battle to not black out.

Why do others who are horrible act and say horrible things? We don't know. But we do know that they have to live with the consequences of that. Keep you side of things clean as best you can. That way, you don't have to apologize later for anything.

The pain is always there.

Appointments and More Appointments

Another doctors' appointment tomorrow. This time, talk to a gi doctor about my positive cancer test screening result. Is it juts a false positive? Not sure. but the good news is that we've never been diagnosed with cancer. Right now, it's constant exhaustion. I think it's from my PTSD symptoms. But we'll find out more tomorrow.

You have to fight back. Don't dissociate. But it never lets up.

Trying for Some Peace and Quiet

Had to go out for a while. Now, it's back at home and trying to screen everything. No TV, no Trump garbage. Instead, some peace and quiet and trying to feel safe.

Lots of tea and trying to stay away from salt and sugar. Both played roles (and still do)  in my heart disease. Your system can only take so much abuse before it gives out. Despite that, the extreme ups and downs still happen. One minute you feel like you have some sense of clarity. Then, you're one step away from hurting yourself.

Triggering things can come from the tiniest things. A color, a sight, a sound. A face that reminds you of others. Also, flashbacks to torture and daily non stop abuse. You can't control what horrible people say and do. But they do have to live with the consequences of their actions.

You have to fight back. You can't just sit and do nothing. Just going with the flow doesn't work. You try to cope as best you can.

But the pain never goes away.
 .

Protect Yourself

A long day with dealing with symptoms. Went to an early birthday lunch with some family. While I appreciated the gesture, I'd like to have time for me. You try and focus as you're being bombarded with pain. You try and focus so you won't dissociate.

Keep your diet balanced, and see if it helps to deal with symptoms. It's still exhausting as you deal with  anger, frustration, and trying not to attack people. You have to fight.

Pain is always there. You fight to focus and not dissociate. You just want to have a moment of clarity. But the battle never stops.

Protect yourself.

Fighting for Some Stability

More of fighting symptoms and trying to not get caught in a what's-the-point-of-continuing loop of thinking. You have to protect your well being as best you can. Some days I have no TV and no noise. Just peace an quiet. I want to feel safe in my own home.

I can admit I'm a rape survivor. I know it wasn't my fault. But the symptoms are still there. By the end of the day what else can you do?

Protect yourself.

Sadness

Fighting symptoms and trying to keep some sense of being grounded. But lately there have been big mood swings. A normal part of healing from your trauma. But still rough to deal with.

You just want to protect yourself.

Lots of Pain

You can barely get any sleep at all at night. Then, when you wake up, you're in incredible pain in your lower back. I have trouble standing up and trying to focus my chi so I can at least move and shift my weight. I try to eat some breakfast, and just sitting is painful. Then I take a shower and do stretching with hot water spraying over my spine. This helps to increase chi flow so then you feel like you can actually move more. You exercise and try to strengthen your core. But the pain is still there.

My GP says I have arthritis in my right knee. What's causing the lower back, hip and leg pain? I think it's my backed up trauma pain flooding out. Add to that circulation pain, my PTSD symptoms and heart problems.

But despite all of that, I did nothing wrong. I'm a rape survivor who has lots of health problems that I feel are interconnected. I'm just trying to protect our well being. We can't singlehandedly stop Trump. But you do your best to protect your well being.

Flashbacks happen and painful dissociating. Stimulants make dissociating worse. So we try to stay away from those as much as possible.

Coming up. More tests and appointments. We just want to feel safe.

Protect Yourself

The silly "debate" about destroying the Affordable Care Act continues. In the rest of the world, health care is a human right. Here, it's about literally a war over money and power (both corporate and personal).

One important thing that all health care people should remember. Patients are not just case files that you rack and stack for maximum profit. If you don't pay attention to their concerns, that in my view is irresponsible. You just don't treat people like that. If in business you listen to the customers concerns, why can't you do the same in health? Or is it just cut throat and purely about profit?

Protect yourself.