Trying for Some Peace and Quiet

Had to go out for a while. Now, it's back at home and trying to screen everything. No TV, no Trump garbage. Instead, some peace and quiet and trying to feel safe.

Lots of tea and trying to stay away from salt and sugar. Both played roles (and still do)  in my heart disease. Your system can only take so much abuse before it gives out. Despite that, the extreme ups and downs still happen. One minute you feel like you have some sense of clarity. Then, you're one step away from hurting yourself.

Triggering things can come from the tiniest things. A color, a sight, a sound. A face that reminds you of others. Also, flashbacks to torture and daily non stop abuse. You can't control what horrible people say and do. But they do have to live with the consequences of their actions.

You have to fight back. You can't just sit and do nothing. Just going with the flow doesn't work. You try to cope as best you can.

But the pain never goes away.
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Daily Pain

Another day of pain. I'm really trying to stick to the idea that everything is connected. Long term untreated severe stress can make you susceptible to a wide range of diseases. I can leave my house, but my chi flow is always down. It's like you're constantly being bombarded with pain flooding out. I think much of it is undealt with trauma pain.

We're just trying to protect our well being. Like anyone, you just want to feel safe.

Emptiness and Sadness

Symptoms, emptiness and sadness. You have moments of clarity, but then don't know what to do. Despite all of that, I know I'm not crazy. Your symptoms are a reflection of your trauma history.

You Can't Do It All By Yourself

There's one thing that many trauma survivors have in common. The need to try and save the world so they can escape their pain. If you could, that's one thing. But in reality, your well being comes first.

Health is holistic (physical and mental). I fight my symptoms every day to try and keep some sense of being grounded. Why? Because I don't have a choice. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back.

Unchecked violent dissociating was a survival tool for a long time. At least I thought it was. In reality, it was just the opposite. Now, I fight to not dissociate. I don't want to disappear and not know where I am. This means that at times I have to search all over my apartment to make sure that there's no one else there. There's no one under the bed. There's no one on the other side of the bed. There's no one hiding in the closet who wants to rape me and then kill me.

Even though there's no one actually there, that doesn't matter. You HAVE to check to make sure you're safe.

In the past week I've had one nightmare. The rest of the time, no dreams at all. Is that a bad sign, or just a break?

Unless I have no chi or chest pain, I try to do as much exercise as possible every day. Many times after that, I can barely move. Does it give some relief from adrenalin surges and other pain? Sometimes. Despite that, I still have to focus to try and have a smooth chi flow. Sometimes I spend the whole day fighting to try and reach that.

I don't want to go back to binge alcoholism. I don't want to go back to binging on junk food. Lots of salt and sugar are stimulants that make it worse.

All for now.

Trying to Stay Grounded

Another trip to the food bank, and aside from the helpful food, some other contacts (in case they're needed).   It's my journalism background. Always maintain your sources, because you WILL need them. Now, some time back home to try and have some sense of being grounded.

Your intuition isn't always right. But mine's doing pretty well. That being said, you still have to fight to not dissociate. You scream and try to get anger out. At the same time, you try not to black out.

Pain is all over. I don't want to go back to lots of pain meds, which would mean more addictions. Is there a holistic way instead?

Back to more.

Chronic Exhaustion

Another day of fighting symptoms. You try to be aware of many things (diet, sleep and others). But even with all of that, you still can't just sit and do nothing. It's like if you do, you fall apart. You have to protect your well being. You're bombarded with weird thoughts that come out of nowhere. Despite that, you have to  fight to keep some sense of being grounded.

I'm not abnormal in any way. Your symptoms are equal to the severity of your trauma history.