Face Your History Head On

Trying really hard to face our trauma history. It feels like just now we're facing the full horror of it. At times it's really painful to try to focus and not dissociate and black out. But what else can we do?

Protect yourself. Screen everything.

Don't Dissociate

Have a nice Easter? The past few days have been a real battle to not dissociate. If I don't have to go anywhere, sometimes I stay home all day and try to stay grounded. This can mean walking around and actually feeling space around me to make sure that nobody is there.

Nobody's in the corner.
Nobody's hiding in the bathroom.
Nobody's hiding in the closet.
Nobody's hiding under the bed.
Nobody's hiding under the covers waiting to attack and kill me.
You could dissociate and disappear. But we don't want to feel scared like that.

You have to walk around and actually check to make sure. Flashbacks to horrible dissociating still happen. What's real and what isn't. You didn't ask for these problems. You didn't ask for non stop pain every single day. I don't know what it's like to have one day with no symptoms. No trauma pain? What's that?

Do you have abuse flashbacks? I know you can't control other horrible people and what they say and do. But you can set boundaries as best you can. You have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

You scream and fight back because you don't want to fall apart.
Nobody else will help you. Does that mean that you can't trust anybody?

You walk around and try to use the space that you're in to protect yourself. What do things feel like? Are they hot or cold? Are they smooth or rough?

Nobody's there.
Nobody else in the room.
Nobody's going to break in and kill us.
We don't want to hurt anybody else.
We have no death wish.
We just want to feel safe in our own home.

Do you still have psychotic images? Do you see monsters or some other horrible thing trying to attack and kill you? Even with cleaning up our diet, we still struggle at times with these.

We're not a threat to anybody. Sometimes we have fleeting thoughts about killing everyone who raped us and treated us like shit. But we know that won't solve anything. Instead, realize that as scary as that is, it's normal that those thoughts are there.

We just want to feel safe.

Struggling With Exhaustion

Almost no sleep at night. Nightmares and body pain still happen. Then, it's a struggle to focus and get thru the day.

I'm not avoiding you. I'm just struggling to try and cope.

Everything is Low

No chi flow. No appetite. The symptoms are still there. Which means you have to fight back.

Go out when necessary. Then go back home and rest.

The First Day

How was your New Years? Went out for a while to what I thought would be a decent party. Turned out, not happening. Then, time to go home and stay warm. Instead of staying up all night, went to sleep around 2 a.m. What time is that in your part of the world? You do the math.

Now, the first day and there's no chi flow. if I have to go out somewhere, I do. Then, it's back home and lie down. Dissociating is still one of the most debilitating symptoms. Then again, you can't sit and do nothing.

We know we did nothing wrong. We know it's not our fault. But you still have horrible days with feeling abandoned. How come nobody helped us? That's not letting the psycho rapists control your life. That's facing your trauma history.

I don't want to go back to binge alcoholism and other destructive stuff. When I need to, I read about how other notorious alcoholics stopped. Do I really want to go back to that? No.

Have fun.

You Can't Do It All By Yourself

There's one thing that many trauma survivors have in common. The need to try and save the world so they can escape their pain. If you could, that's one thing. But in reality, your well being comes first.

Health is holistic (physical and mental). I fight my symptoms every day to try and keep some sense of being grounded. Why? Because I don't have a choice. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back.

Unchecked violent dissociating was a survival tool for a long time. At least I thought it was. In reality, it was just the opposite. Now, I fight to not dissociate. I don't want to disappear and not know where I am. This means that at times I have to search all over my apartment to make sure that there's no one else there. There's no one under the bed. There's no one on the other side of the bed. There's no one hiding in the closet who wants to rape me and then kill me.

Even though there's no one actually there, that doesn't matter. You HAVE to check to make sure you're safe.

In the past week I've had one nightmare. The rest of the time, no dreams at all. Is that a bad sign, or just a break?

Unless I have no chi or chest pain, I try to do as much exercise as possible every day. Many times after that, I can barely move. Does it give some relief from adrenalin surges and other pain? Sometimes. Despite that, I still have to focus to try and have a smooth chi flow. Sometimes I spend the whole day fighting to try and reach that.

I don't want to go back to binge alcoholism. I don't want to go back to binging on junk food. Lots of salt and sugar are stimulants that make it worse.

All for now.

Constant Exhaustion

Staying home most of today, and catching up on writing and various other stuff. It's a constant battle to try and deal with being exhausted from symptoms. You wake up around 3 a.m., and can't go back to sleep. Eat breakfast, then go back to bed and try to focus your energy. Even with that, you're always run down.

Not only that, but try not to dissociate. You scream and fight to not snap. What else can you do?

Global Focusing Techniques

What's the key idea today? Watch your overall balance. If the p/h/ balance is off, symptoms are really hard to control. The tiniest amounts of sugar or caffeine make symptoms worse (including hallucinations). This means no more sugar ever? Try to find a birthday cake or brownies with almost no sugar.

Much of the time I'm really run down. Sometimes I'll just lie down for an hour because I literally can't move. Do I have medical problems other than severe burnout? At this point I don't know. I'm going in stages, with lots of breaks in-between. I do everything I can to reassure my multiples and little kid that we'll be okay. Despite that, flashbacks happen and at times I don't know where I am.

It takes an enormous amount of energy and focus to try and not violently dissociate. Imagine focusing on one thing all day long with no break. If you stop you'll fall apart. Why? because we all know that on bad days the "usual grounding techniques" don't work.

What do you do then?

I'm trying to keep my chi flow smooth. However, it's hard to focus. On the other hand, I'm getting around and getting things done. So there's no disability in any way.

Are you getting the help you need in your part of the world?

A Question

Another night with almost no sleep. Then, how do I focus and feel like I have some energy and can function? I don't have any other physical illness. Just complex dissociative disorder.

Dissociating is still exhausting. I take breaks during the day, and when I do I just turn everything off. It takes an enormous amount of energy to do tiny things. Even if you stay off caffeine and sugar as best you can.

Constant symptoms also mess up your adrenal system. How long has my fight-or-flight response been stuck? For a long time. I've never had a symptom free day since I was raped.

Have you?

Exhaustion

Staying in for a while and just concentrating on writing. Not much sleep now for the past week. It's more nightmares, and then you can't go back to sleep around 3 a.m. You eat some breakfast and try to just focus your energy until you feel like you can finally get up. Do we give in and have tons of sugar and caffeine? We're really trying hard to not to.

Dissociating is still exhausting to deal with. You know you're on the right track, and you don't want to fall apart. Then, at the end of the day you feel like you can barely move. My now former counselor had a good point. Unfortunately, severe pain can't be avoided in this case. You didn't face it for a long time, and that's nobody's fault. Now though, it either comes out in a good way, or a bad way.

Pay attention to the effects of things on you. Do you really need all of the sugar and caffeine? Instead, try something else. That doesn't mean never have fun. Just pay attention to how stuff affects you.

Sadness and a feeling of abandonment are still there. However, I did nothing wrong.

A Lot in the Past 2 Weeks

Sorry to have been away for a while. It's been a rough almost two weeks. Time now to catch up. First though, thanks for the comments and support. As a favor to me, please pass this blog's URL onto anyone you feel that it will help. However, your personal security comes first.

There's always a lot of talk in 12-step programs about reaching a "brick wall". A "moment of  ______". The point in my case is that last week I finally reached a point where I said, I give up. Not in the sense of screw the world, I'm killing myself. Instead, I can't deal with symptoms, holding down jobs, looking cool and calm on the outside when on the inside I'm trying not to black out or attack anyone.

I need help.

The next step was lots of calls and instant messages to various people in the immediate family and lots of mental health sources. I almost checked myself into a psych ward. Then, I thought about the first time I did that. I thought I was suicidal, but then after I was inside I realized that I wasn't. It took me about three days to literally fight my way out. Then, I got no support whatsoever. While I'm not a lifelong grudge kind of person, being a normal human being, that's a terrifying experience which I never want to do ever again. UNLESS my life is threatened.

The good news? At 7:34 p.m. CST as I write this, no chance of offing myself.

Now, I've made arrangements (the details of which will remain private) to be able to keep my current benefits and not work. Instead, my job now is my health. It means a psychiatric evaluation coming soon, along with other appointments.

Unless my life depends on it, my first choice is to not go into a psych ward or on medication. Medication in the past was a band aid. It didn't help the underlying problems. So why go back on it?

Now, dissociating and adrenalin surges are two of the biggest problems. I literally have to take tiny steps and focus to not lose sensation in different parts of my body. In some crowded places I have to fight to focus when part of me screams THREAT!, and I instantly look for my weapon.

At times during the day I feel like pressure is closing in on me. Despair and abandonment still happen. You turn things off, sit or go for a walk. No noise, no being bombarded by stimulus. You just want peace.

If I go into what seems like a non-threatening place among people that I know, I still feel threatened. I still dissociate and have trouble focusing.

You try the usual grounding techniques. Yet, many times they don't work.

Now what do you do?

Many times you feel exhausted and just want to protect yourself. I'm really trying to pace myself. You don't have to do 50 things in the next 3 hours.

I know it's not my fault. None of this is abnormal in any way. I didn't ask for any of this.

I just want some things. A sense of validation. Relief from endless pain.

You can't make others understand about trauma. On the other hand, you can and must protect yourself as reasonably as possible. Not perfectionism, but a healthy balance.

I'm setting boundaries and screening everything. Why? Because threats seem to be everywhere.

Thanks for the support. Again, please spread this blog everywhere you can, UNLESS it might endanger you or someone else.