A Question

Another night with almost no sleep. Then, how do I focus and feel like I have some energy and can function? I don't have any other physical illness. Just complex dissociative disorder.

Dissociating is still exhausting. I take breaks during the day, and when I do I just turn everything off. It takes an enormous amount of energy to do tiny things. Even if you stay off caffeine and sugar as best you can.

Constant symptoms also mess up your adrenal system. How long has my fight-or-flight response been stuck? For a long time. I've never had a symptom free day since I was raped.

Have you?

Balance is a Struggle

Not much sleep last night. Lots of dissociating, and at times you feel like you have no control. Today, lots of supplements and just time to rest.

Do you just turn everything off at times? At times I just turn everything off and just sit. I don't want to be on call. I don't want to be bombarded by tons of stimulus and triggering stuff. I just want quiet.

I still have to fight dissociating every day. Another thing to struggle with is messed up adrenal glands. My fight-or-flight response is still stuck. This has meant endless stress at times. Even if you do the usual grounding techniques that many times don't work.

What do you do then?

I know I don't have any other serious physical problem right now. Various doctor appointments and my psych evaluation are coming. In the meantime, take things in really small splits. How do I get thru the next 10 seconds?

Nightmares and body pains are still there. It's not because of eating too late at night or caffeine or sugar to keep up you up. It feels like it's just backed up trauma that's flooding out.

Wi-fi is still one tool to try and cope with dissociating. Have something tangible to listen to or watch.

The other thing? You can't just sit back and do nothing. Far be it for me to tell anyone else what to do in their overall healing. Just in my case, that doesn't work. If you do that, you feel like you're falling apart. Why live like that?

Despair

It's a mix of good and scary stuff. Two job interviews earlier today. Possibly another one in the next few days. Also, despair and at times not knowing what to do.

You feel paralyzed. You try to ground yourself, but that doesn't always work. What do you do then?

Flashbacks to horrible abuse happen. How come nobody helped us? What's real and what isn't? We can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back.

Keep your self control.