Protect Yourself

Some errands today, and now some time at home to catch up online. You still have to screen everything to stop violently triggering content. If you watch any TV, turn the sound down and just read the crawl at the bottom of the screen. It's amazing how much your lip reading can improve if you do this.

Do you still have nightmares? We do. Sometimes you have moments of clarity. We can sit and watch something or listen for up to 5 minutes (versus 30 seconds in the past). But then you still have to have a break, because it's too much stimulus. You also then feel like all the pain in your trauma history is flooding out all at once. There's no buffer to protect you. On the other hand, this is scary but good. Better than going back to 24/7 violent unchecked dissociating. Then, you have to constantly fight your way out of being trapped in that cycle.

You can't stop all triggering stuff. But you can try to protect yourself as best you can. You feel exhausted all the time trying to stay grounded and not dissociate and black out. Blackouts still happen. That's just a sign that severe symptoms are still there.

Screen everything and protect yourself.

Balance is a Struggle

Not much sleep last night. Lots of dissociating, and at times you feel like you have no control. Today, lots of supplements and just time to rest.

Do you just turn everything off at times? At times I just turn everything off and just sit. I don't want to be on call. I don't want to be bombarded by tons of stimulus and triggering stuff. I just want quiet.

I still have to fight dissociating every day. Another thing to struggle with is messed up adrenal glands. My fight-or-flight response is still stuck. This has meant endless stress at times. Even if you do the usual grounding techniques that many times don't work.

What do you do then?

I know I don't have any other serious physical problem right now. Various doctor appointments and my psych evaluation are coming. In the meantime, take things in really small splits. How do I get thru the next 10 seconds?

Nightmares and body pains are still there. It's not because of eating too late at night or caffeine or sugar to keep up you up. It feels like it's just backed up trauma that's flooding out.

Wi-fi is still one tool to try and cope with dissociating. Have something tangible to listen to or watch.

The other thing? You can't just sit back and do nothing. Far be it for me to tell anyone else what to do in their overall healing. Just in my case, that doesn't work. If you do that, you feel like you're falling apart. Why live like that?