Screen Everything

Another day of fighting symptoms and to not dissociate and black out. It's like at times you don't know what's real and what isn't. You have to focus really hard to not black out. You don't want to disappear and have no idea of where you are or just not care about anything.

If we try to watch TV, it's with the sound turned down. There's too much triggering stuff that can come out of nowhere. At other times, no TV and just listen to peace and quiet.

How do you cope with checking your I can save the world all by myself impulse? We try to say being aware is okay. But nobody's paying us to do it all. Be aware, care and put your well being first.

You have to protect yourself.

Protect Yourself

Some errands today, and now some time at home to catch up online. You still have to screen everything to stop violently triggering content. If you watch any TV, turn the sound down and just read the crawl at the bottom of the screen. It's amazing how much your lip reading can improve if you do this.

Do you still have nightmares? We do. Sometimes you have moments of clarity. We can sit and watch something or listen for up to 5 minutes (versus 30 seconds in the past). But then you still have to have a break, because it's too much stimulus. You also then feel like all the pain in your trauma history is flooding out all at once. There's no buffer to protect you. On the other hand, this is scary but good. Better than going back to 24/7 violent unchecked dissociating. Then, you have to constantly fight your way out of being trapped in that cycle.

You can't stop all triggering stuff. But you can try to protect yourself as best you can. You feel exhausted all the time trying to stay grounded and not dissociate and black out. Blackouts still happen. That's just a sign that severe symptoms are still there.

Screen everything and protect yourself.