Don' Let Your Guard Down

Another day of fighting symptoms. But also, fighting to not let your guard down. It's like any addict. If you're not careful, you can have a relapse. Do we really want to have a dissociative relapse? Then you have no idea of where you are. You have to fight your way back to having some sense of being grounded. This also means massive stress on your system.

Do we really want that?
Do we really want pain?
Denial will make things worse.
Don't dissociate.
Don't do it.
Do something else. Anything to not fall into that trap.

It's like all of our trauma pain is flooding out all at once. You have to fight back.

You don't have a choice. You have to protect yourself.

Don't fall apart.

Fight to Focus

Another night of almost no sleep. Then when you try to fall asleep, you have sleep paralysis. You're awake, but that's it. You literally can't move any part of your body. You can't open your mouth or eyes. It's like your entire nervous system is completely scrambled. Then you have to focus really hard to almost shock your system back into balance. This is just another sign that your trauma pain never goes away.

Now, don't let your guard down. Don't violently dissociate and black out. You have to fight back to protect your well being.

Because you have to.

You Have to Fight Back

Everywhere you look, it's triggering stuff. Sometimes we have days with almost no noise. Why? Because you  just want to feel safe. In our own home. But when you go out, you always have to have an escape plan.

Our well being comes first. You can't take on your pain and the pain of the world all at the same time.

Protect yourself.

It's Going to Happen

As we post this, 2 1/2 hours before the govt. shutdown. Millions of people will be hurt by this. The politicians on the other hand won't. Almost all are millionaires who have the best job perks and health care that money can buy. Because they're rich and powerful, that's why.

As for the rest of us, a long day of fighting symptoms and exhaustion. We're trying really hard not to have a relapse and then lots of salt and sugar in the diet. That's a common problem that trauma survivors have. You always feel burned out. On the other hand, we don't want to be taking lots of meds every day and then constantly drugged out. That just makes things worse.

Protect yourself.

Triggering Stuff is Everywhere

Another day of cold, symptoms and lots of triggering stuff. Unless they stop it, the US government will shutdown at midnight Friday. Why do the politicians do this stupid stuff? Because they like money and power.

You try to be aware and care. But your well being comes first. Because if it doesn't, you can't be effective.

Protect yourself.

Constantly Fighting Symptoms

Nightmares still happen. You then try to wake up, but you're still fighting to not dissociate. Sometimes you have sleep paralysis. You open your eyes, but you can't do anything else. You know your arms and hands are there. But your energy doesn't reach them. You almost have to focus and will your energy to circulate thru so you can move again.

Why does this happen? Why does almost no sleep always happen? Because pain is always there. Just taking more medication will make it worse. Which means focus and try to protect your well being.

We're not doing anything wrong. We can't save the world all by ourselves. But we do our best to protect ourselves.

Stay warm and well.

Is Anybody Paying Attention?

Greetings to all the brave people in Hawaii. Hope you're doing okay now. Now that the nuclear missile attack turned out to be a false alarm. Some emergency defense person pushed the wrong button. Then, it took almost 40 minutes to issue a false alarm. Meanwhile, where was Trump? Playing golf and couldn't be bothered.

This leads to the question, is anybody paying attention? Does anybody care about my well being? Many say they want nothing to do with us or any part of our trauma history. Something that we didn't ask for. But the pain never goes away.

You do the best you can. You do your best to try and protect your well being. The pain is still there. Psychotic episodes still happen. Despite that, we're not crazy. We're not weird, a freak or a danger to anybody in any way.

But the pain is always there.

Don't let your guard down. Don't set yourself up to have a dissociative relapse. Denial lets you escape pain? No. It makes it worse.

You have to fight back. If we have suicidal thoughts, we'll never do that. But it's important to admit that those thoughts are there.

We're not a threat to anybody.

How will terrified and now angry people in Hawaii deal with the PTSD symptoms that will come from the false alarm attack?

Remember, it's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Don't hide behind denial. Face your anger, fear and more as best you can. It's scary but it's important to admit that all of that is there.

Stay well.

No DACA. What's Next?

It's another day of fighting symptoms. Also, fighting for survival for many. Time to break our no progressive politics content rule. Why? Because here in the States nine millions little kids have no health coverage. It's called CHIP (Child Health Insurance Program). Congress stopped funding it. Now, millions of kids could die without it.

What the politicians don't understand (or just don't care about) is that health is both physical and emotional. Not two seperate things. Many are multimillionaires who will get an enormous tax cut. They see health as not a right but as a business investment. What's in it for me? What's the return? Politicians automatically get the best health care. Why? Because they're rich and powerful and they should have the best. As for the rest, the government has NO RESPONSIBILITY to save anyone else's life. If you get sick or injured, just shut up and die. Millions of right wingers actually support this. They'll fight to the death for the right to have as many guns as possible. But a safe home, a good job and health care for everyone? Fuck that. That's goddamn socialism. We can't have that shit. These people still say if you don't like it here, go back to Russia. Uh, I've never been to Russia. I was born here. Get the fuck out!

The pain of trauma never goes away. For a while today, we've struggled with suicidal thoughts. Lots of pain (both physical and emotional). Do we have a death wish? No. Is this trauma pain, cancer or something else? We think it's trauma pain. It never goes away. But we'll never ever go back to a psych hospital ever again.

Protect your well being.

What Are the Rules?

Welcome to all of our new readers. As our regular audience knows, normally we don't talk about progressive politics. There are lots of other progressive blogs out there that are doing great and important work. But here the rule is stay away from that. UNLESS something happens. Which means you need to know what the rules are first before you break them. Now it's time.

In case you missed it, Oprah Winfrey was given a lifetime achievement award at the Golden Globes. This is traditionally one of the warmup award shows before the Oscars. The other warmup is the BAFTAs (the British Oscars). She made a nice speech basically talking about how important and powerful the truth is. While this is true, one thing that NOBODY else has talked about is the hypocracy in this.

Lots of women are coming forward and talking about being trauma survivors. Good for them. However, almost no one gives the same intensive coverage to guy trauma survivors. Why is that? Is it because pedophiles raping terrified innocent little boys is just too weird? Is it because the thought of gay sex is just like really icky in some way?

In todays' society, the rich and powerful want to hear the truth only when it fits their agendas. Richard Gere is a long time supporter of Tibet who continues to speak out. These people deserve to be heard as well. Yet, Gere is banned for life from presenting at the Oscars. So what's the point of going? Why? Yes Trump needs to be called out for the stupid shit that he says and does. But if someone like Gere tries to help people who need it, he's blacklisted. Why? Because China is the second biggest global market for Hollywood. Which means you keep your damn mouth shut, or you don't work.

Traumatized women are okay to talk about. Millions of traumatized Tibetans? Absolutely not.

Now the "standard" of covering politics in the States is now just hype, gossip and whatever makes the most money. Actual issues affecting millions? To hell with that. Which means the rich and powerful in control of this system just don't care. Which means we choose to vote with our TV remote and money. You want to be hypocrites? Go ahead. I'll go elsewhere and try to make things better.

Protect yourself.

Wanting Revenge (Contains Potentially Triggering Content. Read at your own risk)

No sleep, fight symptoms and don't dissociate. Everywhere you look, there's triggering content. You have to screen everything. You're not responsible for all of the hypocracy and pain in the world. But it's always there.

Also, a growing list of women who say they were sexually assaulted by Harvey Weinstein. Now, other powerful Hollywood names are being named. Almost 40 women have stories about Weinstein. Either they're true, or they're not. If they are, arrest and prosecute to the fullest extent of the law. If they're lies, sue for libel. So far, NOBODY's sued. Just cheap empty threats that rich and powerful people use to buy people's silence.

The ONLY reason someone agrees to a settlement which has a confidentiality clause and a payout is because something happened.

Now though, here's another aspect of this that nobody's touching. What about guys who've been raped? What about pedophiles who rape the shit out of little kids and then get away with it? Three psycho pedophiles repeatedly raped us and were never prosecuted. We can't being any charges against anybody. No victim compensation. The statute of limitations ran out. PTSD is incurable. We've never had one day with no symptoms. We don't know what that's like. Many horrible people just want you to shut up and go away.

For a really long time, nobody helped us. It was like being barely above completely falling apart and ending up in a psych hospital. Torture every day with ultra violent unchecked dissociating. But you have to fight back. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

We're struggling right now with thoughts about buying a gun and killing the psycho rapists. Two problems. One, it's too expensive. Two, we have no desire to do life in prison for multiple pre-meditated murders. First degree murder means what? The death penalty? Would we actually do this? No. But psychologically, it's important to admit that those thoughts are there.

Any suggestions?

Trying to Focus

Fight symptoms and depression. It's not to the point of wanting to hurt myself or anybody else. But you try and face your trauma history head on as best you can.

Screen everything and protect your well being.

Face Your History as Best You Can

The pain never goes away. Despite that, you have to face your trauma history as best you can. Unless it endangers you in some way.

We know it's not our fault. But you struggle with sadness, abandonment and wondering, where's our sense of justice? Lots of other people want nothing to do with us or our history. That's their problem. We're telling the truth.

But in the process, you have to protect yourself as best you can.

It's not our fault.
We did nothing wrong.
We did nothing wrong.
It's not our fault.

Protect yourself.

It's a High Triggering Content Day

Triggering stuff is everywhere. Screen everything. Fight symptoms and don't let your guard down so you'll slip and dissociate. It'll just make pain worse.

Stay safe.

Triggering Stuff is Everywhere

No TV today. Everywhere you look it's the Las Vegas shooting. The death toll continues to go up. But NOBODY is screaming gun control RIGHT NOW. Instead, it's "not appropriate". It's the wrong time? Really? Tell that to the spirits of those who died. Tell that to the surviving grieving families and friends. Instead, money from the gun lobby always comes first. Right manufacturers are ECSTATIC. Why? Because after mass shootings, gun sales ALWAYS go up. In our current capitalist society, that always comes first. Just make sure you maintain spin control on this.

Symptoms are always there. Today, stay away from TV. Instead, protect yourself. One minute there are moments of clarity. Then horrible despair. But we did nothing wrong. We can't handle our pain and the pain of the world all at the same time.

Do you feel like you see all of the hypocracy in the world?

  

Fighting to Not Dissociate

Really struggling to not dissociate. It's easy to slip and then dissolve. You have no idea of what time it is or where you are. You can't let your guard down. You have to protect yourself.

Had another severe reaction to sugar. Is this a symptom of one type of cancer? Or something else. Tomorrow we go see the new GP. Then the colonoscopy happens at the end of the month.

Stay safe.

Protect Yourself

The hurricanes keep coming. The neocons want to kill millions with their "health care" bill. The rich and powerful say they can have the best of everything. Why? Because they're rich and powerful, of course.

Right now, no noise. No TV, no being bombarded with pain. There's enough of that every day as it is. Instead, protect yourself. Don't dissociate. Don't let your guard down so that you'll fall apart. You have to protect yourself.

Health is holistic. Both physical and mental. When problems flare up, they're connected to something deeper.  Because it all has to come out. If trauma doesn't come out in one way, it will come out in other destructive ways. Why do addicts use? To escape pain.

What other choice do you have except to face it head on?

Covering a Lot

Got around a lot today with various bills and more. Slowly many things are starting to come back to normal. You do your best.

In the process, it's really exhausting to deal with symptoms. Especially to not dissociate. We don't want to have a relapse and end up literally falling apart. You have to protect yourself. But at times flashbacks happen, and then abandonment and more.

But it's not our fault.

Finally a Weather Break?

Harvey continues. But now, finally some sun tomorrow? We'll see. In the meantime, you fight symptoms and try not to slip and dissociate. You don't want to make pain worse.

Lots of pain and emotional ups and downs. You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. But the pain is always there.

Protect yourself.

You Can't Save the World All By Yourself

Everywhere you look, it's death and destruction. War crimes, racism, growing inequality. What can one person do about this? Can you save the world all by yourself? Unfortunately no. But, being aware and caring is just as important.

We're a firm believer in facing your trauma history head on as best you can. As long as it doesn't endanger yourself. Some days you feel like you have some fleeting moments of focus. Others, you battle to not black out.

Why do others who are horrible act and say horrible things? We don't know. But we do know that they have to live with the consequences of that. Keep you side of things clean as best you can. That way, you don't have to apologize later for anything.

The pain is always there.

Protect Yourself

A long day with dealing with symptoms. Went to an early birthday lunch with some family. While I appreciated the gesture, I'd like to have time for me. You try and focus as you're being bombarded with pain. You try and focus so you won't dissociate.

Keep your diet balanced, and see if it helps to deal with symptoms. It's still exhausting as you deal with  anger, frustration, and trying not to attack people. You have to fight.

Pain is always there. You fight to focus and not dissociate. You just want to have a moment of clarity. But the battle never stops.

Protect yourself.