Constantly Fighting Symptoms

Nightmares still happen. You then try to wake up, but you're still fighting to not dissociate. Sometimes you have sleep paralysis. You open your eyes, but you can't do anything else. You know your arms and hands are there. But your energy doesn't reach them. You almost have to focus and will your energy to circulate thru so you can move again.

Why does this happen? Why does almost no sleep always happen? Because pain is always there. Just taking more medication will make it worse. Which means focus and try to protect your well being.

We're not doing anything wrong. We can't save the world all by ourselves. But we do our best to protect ourselves.

Stay warm and well.

Try to Keep Some Sense of Being Grounded

Symptoms and exhaustion. Don't let your guard down and then black out. You have to protect yourself. Try to keep your p/h levels balanced. To a degree, that helps to stay somewhat grounded. But the pain never goes away.

Feeling Paralyzed

What's it like to have a day free of symptoms? We don't know. You never get a good night's sleep. Then you wake up between 2 and 4 a.m. You eat something and try to focus. Instead, you stretch out and many times get maybe a hour of sleep (if you're lucky). Then it's a constant battle to try and get thru the day with some sense of energy.

You sit still and at times you just want quiet. Don't be bombarded with flashbacks, noise and pain. Just sit and focus on the quiet. Sometimes you can for short periods. Other times it doesn't work. But despite that, you have to fight back. You can't just sit and do nothing. That doesn't work.

The truth is I (along with my little kid and multiples) have seen and had horrible things happen to us. One minute you feel like you have some sense of clarity. Then, you're this close to killing yourself. Would we ever do that? No. But the pain never goes away.

We did nothing wrong.
We're not strange in any way.
The severity of your symptoms is equal to severity of your trauma history.
Pain never goes away.
We won't off ourselves.
We did nothing wrong.

Sometimes we just curl up and rock back and forth. You just want to feel safe.

Trying to Balanace

Went to a cardiologist appointment about two weeks ago. My heart function rate is up to 45%. Still below normal (55-65%) though. Now, my function rate is up, but my appetite is going down. I used to be able to drink about 6 glasses a day. Now I can barely drink 3.

What's causing this? Also, my energy level is down. I can exercise, but it takes more out of you than before. Is my adrenal burnout affecting this as well? I'm not sure.

But I do know that in my case, dissociating is an addiction that I always struggle with. You think it's a way to escape pain. But it's not. It just makes it worse.

You just want to feel safe.

Protect Yourself

Screening everything and trying to do several things at home. Pace yourself and don't black out.

But the pain is always there. You never get a break.

Trying to Fous

Lots of things to do today. But it takes an enormous amount of energy to go from one to the next. Triggering stuff is everywhere. You have to protect yourself. Screen everything and fight to keep some sense of being grounded.

You don't want to fall back on lots of sugar and other stuff to try and keep your energy level up. That just makes adrenal exhaustion worse.

Protect yourself.

Fighting to Not Black Out

Another day of fighting to not dissociate. Don't black out. If I do, will one of my multiples lash out? It's been a long time since they have. But blackouts still happen.

Protect yourself. Screen everything. Because you have to.

Trying to Focus

Trying really hard to not dissociate or black out. If you don't, you feel run down and empty. It takes a huge amount of energy to do the smallest things.

Then again, it has to come out.

Feeling Run Down

Another appointment today, and we talked about drug interaction with other stuff in your system. Now, being high risk for Type II diabetes, this means as little sugar as possible. Today I've had some to try and have some energy. But it's all interconnected.

I'm just trying to protect us.

Focus

Another day of fighting symptoms. Adrenalin surges are getting worse. It take about 20 minutes to put my socks and shoes on. You have to focus really hard to have some sense of feeling in your feet. Then, no matter what, don't dissociate.

Lots of breaks. Then, back to it.

Don't Be Drugged Out

Everybody has their own trauma history and factors involved in it. Everybody heals at different rates. Also, everyone has different treatment that they follow. Should you take medication or not? My view? If my life depends on it, that's one thing. But if not, my preference is don't take it. Do something else.

By trying to take less and not more, I feel that I've made more progress in dealing with my trauma history. Like the saying goes, the surest way to go to hell is to avoid your trauma history. Denial doesn't work. Being drugged out only makes it even harder. So why would you do that?

We still struggle with bad days in trying to get anger out. Blackouts still happen. Adrenalin surges still happen. Also body memory pain. You scream and try to not fall apart. The anal pain is body memory. The psycho rapist's penis with no condom is not inside your anus. But you still have to struggle with that.

Don't dissociate.
Do something else.
Dissociating will only make the pain worse.


You have to fight to keep some sense of being grounded. You don't have a choice. But you also feel scared at times in facing how horrible your trauma history has been. You really have to work to try and find some moments of happiness. You feel bombarded with pain, and don't know what to do.

Does this happen to you? Watch this.

You Have to Protect Yourself

Another cold Saturday, and no relief for a while. At least there are no floods. No snow. No hurricanes or other "now it's the norm" severe weather.

That doesn't mean that symptoms have gone away. Dissociating is still incredibly exhausting. Fortunately I haven't had a major slip and gone back to junk food and lots of salt and sugar. Sometimes during the day I just go home and lie down. I want no noise. I just want peace and quiet, and to feel safe in my own home.

Do you still give into the urge to singlehandedly saving the world all by yourself? Activists will say it's your duty to make the world better. My response? Your well being comes first. Because if you're not together, you can't be effective. Even as things get worse and worse; you have to protect yourself first. Why? Because otherwise it doesn't work.

As you deal with your own trauma history, are you being heard? 50 different women say that Bill Cosby drugged and raped them. They sue him, and he sues them. His attorney is now in major spin control mode. Don't be passive. Take control of the narrative.

Call me old school. But anyone who gives you drugs, booze and then has sex with you against your will is a rapist. It's bizarre how some people try to justify this:

Nobody forced this woman to take these qualludes. Nobody forced her to drink this glass of wine. Which means that both she and Cosby had consensual sex. Adultery is not illegal. If your partner finds out, she can sue the shit out of you for everything you've got. But it's not illegal.

Speaking as one rape survivor, that's fucking sick. Yes I know Cosby's attorney is very expensive and good at her job of damage control and suing the fuck out of anybody who dares to attack a filthy rich and famous celebrity.

Obvious question. If all 50 of these women are telling the truth, why does Cosby's wife stay with him? Is it because of his fame, money and power? Is it because she really believes that all of these women are ganging up to get money out of him with lies?

Nobody is ever mentioning the fact of how hard it is for any rape survivor to have the courage to come forward. What if it was 50 guys instead of 50 women? Would there be even more hype, because it involves gay sex? Who knows.

All the more reason to protect yourself. Screen everything to reasonably protect yourself from triggering stuff. Because nobody else will.

Trying to Stay Grounded

Right now is a real struggle to not dissociate. I spend a lot of time trying to focus on solid things or tactile sensations. Something cold. Walking  on carpet in bare feet. Always live streaming content to have something to focus on. But it's also a real struggle to screen everything.

If I don't have to go somewhere, many times I just stay home and focus on what's around me. I want to feel safe in my own home. I don't want to be bombarded with pain. Because many times you are. You can't just sit bak and do nothing. You have to fight back.

Sometimes I'm so wiped out that I just sit and do nothing. You just want to feel safe, and not always being attacked.

Nightmares still happen. At other times, there's nothing. This is your system taking a break? I'm not sure.

Screen everything. Because weird triggering stuff comes out of nowhere. You have to protect yourself.

Have a good day. Also, more links coming soon.

I Don't Want to Feel Drugged Out

Put in some time today researching online about psycosis symptoms connected to extreme trauma. It's still a struggle to deal with trying not to hallucinate. Sometimes it's don't hallucinate or dissociate at the same time.
I'm on one anti depressant. Do I want to go on others? Considering the possible side effects, right now no. It's bizarre to me that some drug company will actually run ads that say death is a possible side effect. That's an acceptable risk?

Since the healthy thing to do is to try and face your trauma history head on, why would you take something that gets in the way of that? Sometimes I just stay home and turn everything off to try and have some relief from pain. I just want to feel safe. Also, as long as I try to keep my p/h levels balanced, it helps to a certain degree to deal with symptoms.

I'm really struggling with how severe my symptoms have been and continue to be.

Processing Trauma

Just when you think you're getting a break, nightmares still happen. You have to fight your way out of a horrible place, and nobody will help you. Then you end up not getting any sleep at all. How are you dealing with your symptoms?

A former therapist told me that as horrible as nightmares can be, that's one way for your system to process the trauma that happened to you. How do you fight to keep some sense of being grounded, and not just falling apart? Sometimes you open your eyes, and you don't know where you are. For me, it usually means turning on the lights and checking all over my apartment to make sure that nobody else is here.

As much as possible, don't dissociate. You have bad days where you're barely holding onto reality. It's like you're being assaulted all over again. How do you fight to hold onto some sense of reality?

You have at times thoughts about death. It's like you're literally at the end of your life, and you can feel what happens as you slowly slip away. You have to fight hard to not feel trapped in that vision. Otherwise you'll just dissolve into a million different pieces.

How do you deal with flashbacks? Do you ever feel like you're losing your sense of reality? Stay safe.

Constantly Fighting Symptoms

Staying home right now as I try not to black out from dissociating. You feel at times like you're going to collapse from exhaustion. You feel abandoned and like no one seems to care. But you have to keep going. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

Hallucinations still happen. You're being attacked by monsters. You're falling apart. Your body doesn't function. Despite all of that, you have to fight back.

Nobody's there to help you. Do you have to do everything all by yourself? Can you trust anyone? Everywhere you turn, it feels like it's non-stop abuse.

What do you do?

You're Not Insane

Another day of non stop fighting symptoms. It feels like you never get a break. On the other hand, the severity of your symptoms are a reflection of the severity of your trauma history. It has to come out. If not in one way, in other painful ways.

You fight to focus and to not fall apart. Adrenalin surges make you feel like you have no sense of balance. It's like your entire body is ready to just collapse. You fight to not dissociate. Body pain and flash cuts to being raped still happen.

Despite all of this, it's not your fault. I'm not insane. I'm not a threat to myself or anyone else.

I'm not crazy
I'm not crazy
I'm not crazy
I'm not crazy
I'm not crazy

I'm not responsible for what other horrible people say and do.

It's not my fault.

I did nothing wrong.

You have to fight back.

Nobody else will look out for you.

We just want to feel safe.

Getting Hit Hard

Lots of appointments this week. I talked to my therapist about adrenal burnout. Not being an MD of course, the next step is to talk to a new primary doctor about it. I tried another clinic, but they're too small to deal with complex cases like mine.

It feels at times like you're getting hit really hard by the severity of your symptoms. My first therapist actually said, considering how severe your symptoms have been, I'm surprised you're still alive.

How do you respond to that?

Right now, it feels like there's no energy. Everything is a threat. You can't watch the news, because it's too violent and predictable.  You get up in the morning, and everything feels burned out. Everything takes focus to do.

But despite all of that, I know I'm on the right path. I'm much more aware of how severely untreated trauma can beat you down. You just want to feel safe.

Burnout

We start with one new main doctor soon. In the meantime, it feels like I have severe adrenal burnout:

Always run down
Put on an enormous amount of weight in one day
No insulin/glucose balance
Constantly feeling battered
When you're constantly fighting to survive, sex becomes a low priority

We don't have a death wish. But you're constantly fighting to not fall apart. Almost no sleep at night. Nightmares are still there.

What's next?

Trying to Get Some Rest

Took a break yesterday to try and catch up on sleep. When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I don't remember. Today, it's lots of breaks and trying to keep a sense of balance. Is that the cure to PTSD? No. On the other hand, my tolerance for drugs (other than necessary meds) is gone.

How are your symptoms? These days, violent dissociating still happens every day. You have to fight back. You just can't sit and do nothing. Screen everything. I still can't listen to the radio for more than about fifteen or twenty seconds. Then, turn it off because it's too much stimulus.

Do you feel abandoned? I have bad days where you feel like you can't trust anybody. How come nobody seems to care? We did nothing wrong. Yet, it feels like everybody's saying fuck off. This guy rape survivor shit is just too fucking weird.

How are you supposed to respond to that?

When you have flashbacks or hallucinate, is there any pattern to any of it? At times when I hallucinate weird thoughts that have no connection at all come to mind. Why? I don't know. But it's scary because you feel like you have almost no control.

How do you protect yourself?

You just want to feel safe. Set boundaries. Today, no news. Instead, just have safe content on as background noise. Pay attention to how tiny things affect you.

On bad days, I have trouble getting out of bed. It feels like every part of my body hurts. It's not because I worked out too hard. It's backed up trauma coming out.

What helps you to deal with this?