Getting Hit Hard

Lots of appointments this week. I talked to my therapist about adrenal burnout. Not being an MD of course, the next step is to talk to a new primary doctor about it. I tried another clinic, but they're too small to deal with complex cases like mine.

It feels at times like you're getting hit really hard by the severity of your symptoms. My first therapist actually said, considering how severe your symptoms have been, I'm surprised you're still alive.

How do you respond to that?

Right now, it feels like there's no energy. Everything is a threat. You can't watch the news, because it's too violent and predictable.  You get up in the morning, and everything feels burned out. Everything takes focus to do.

But despite all of that, I know I'm on the right path. I'm much more aware of how severely untreated trauma can beat you down. You just want to feel safe.

Don't Dissociate

Lots of errands tody, and now some time to write online. One minute you have some energy and feel relatively stable. Then, you can barely get up and walk to your kitchen.

In my case, dissociating iis like an addict using. You think it will help you to escape pain. But it just makes it worse. You feel trapped in a maze, and you can't escape. When you do finally fight your way out, you almost black out.

The severity of your symptoms are equal to the severity of your trauma history.

You have no control over what other horrible people say and do. Despite that, you set boundaries where necessary.

I don't have a death wise. But at times the thought comes to mind. What if I wasn't here? Would anybody care? As much as possible, I'm trying to face my trauma hisory head on. Now, I have nothing to hide behind anymore.

Some days feel like endless pain. Then again, you have to keep going.

Money, Balance and More

Our suggestion. Stay away from the triggering news, unless you have to look. If you do, screen everything, because there's a lot of sick stuff out there.

More closer to home, another three weeks until the next therapy session. In the meantime, I'm still balancing job leads with money problems, symptoms and more. Protection is also mandatory. Flashbacks to vicious abuse still happen all day long. You try to focus on the present as best you can. Despite doing that, you can still struggle with how come nobody helped me?

Even with the abuse and feelings of abandonment, you try to keep things in mind:

You're not weird, a freak or "abnormal" in any way because of being raped by three serial pedophiles.
Now, all of the backed up trauma is flooding out.
Just because you were raped by pedophiles doesn't mean that you will rape some other little kid.

Why then do I at times have that fleeting thought? I have no desire to hurt either myself or anyone else. Especially an innocent terrified little kid. Why then do I have this fleeting sick and twisted thought?

Is it because it's a reaction of some type to being raped and horrible trauma? I've asked lots of sources, and so far NOBODY knows. My current therapist doesn't like contact with clients outside sessions unless it's an emergency. And I have nowhere else to go to.

The thought comes to mind. Do I have to cure myself?