Lots of Pain

There's no place to hide. Denial, severe alcoholism, dissociating. You struggle with all of that. But you also try to face your trauma history as best you can.

You feel paralyzed. The smallest things take an enormous amount of energy. You struggle to know what's real and what isn't. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

You're always exhausted. But if you don't fight for some sense of being grounded, you'll fall apart. What other choice do you have?

You don't.

Focus

Another day of fighting symptoms. Adrenalin surges are getting worse. It take about 20 minutes to put my socks and shoes on. You have to focus really hard to have some sense of feeling in your feet. Then, no matter what, don't dissociate.

Lots of breaks. Then, back to it.

Don't Dissociate

Lots of errands tody, and now some time to write online. One minute you have some energy and feel relatively stable. Then, you can barely get up and walk to your kitchen.

In my case, dissociating iis like an addict using. You think it will help you to escape pain. But it just makes it worse. You feel trapped in a maze, and you can't escape. When you do finally fight your way out, you almost black out.

The severity of your symptoms are equal to the severity of your trauma history.

You have no control over what other horrible people say and do. Despite that, you set boundaries where necessary.

I don't have a death wise. But at times the thought comes to mind. What if I wasn't here? Would anybody care? As much as possible, I'm trying to face my trauma hisory head on. Now, I have nothing to hide behind anymore.

Some days feel like endless pain. Then again, you have to keep going.

Wanting to be Heard (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk).

As long time readers know, we try to stay away from any progressive political or celebrity content. UNLESS, it's helpful in some way to talk about it, and how it relates to trauma. By now, the whole world knows about Robin Williams' suicide. Yes, it's horrible, and it's too bad that the corporate MSM could care less about the family's privacy. WE MUST KNOW EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT THIS.

Actually, no you don't.

Every trauma story is different. There is no magic cure to fix all problems. Why did he kill himself? Unless the family chooses to talk about that, that's none of our business.

I've been writing this blog for a long time now. I tried various MSM outlets. But NOBODY was interested. So then I said, screw it. I'll start my own outlet and beat you at your own game. Now, over 1,000 posts later, we're still growing and have NO ADS. Why would you want to profit off of people's misery?

Unlike celebrities, I have to be extremely careful. If I'm outed against my will, I could have lots of serious problems. On the other hand, like all trauma survivors, you want to be heard. You want to have some sense of validation. Victim compensation? I'll never be able to have that.

Where's my sense of justice?

I still have severe PTSD symptoms, plus heart disease and liver problems. I've never had a day symptom free. Why not take meds? The last time I did, I had several addictions, and many people refused to help me. Why then go thru that again? I've thought about suicide. But I would never do it.

I thought I was suicidal. I was in a psych ward, and had to literally fight my way out. NOBODY who said they cared about me did anything to help me.

Nobody.

I'm trying to keep my system as clean as possible. The idea being that equals more of a sense of balance. But the symptoms are still there.

You eventually reach a point where you don't want to continue violently dissociating or doing other things to escape pain. Because it's not an escape. It makes it worse.

Hyperawareness is still a problem. Other people walk by me, and part of me says where's my weapon? I come up from behind them, pin them with one arm and then strike back. Cut their throat before they attack me and kill me. It doesn't matter that they're not armed. You see a threat, and you can't just sit back and do nothing.

Do I want to hurt myself or others? No. I have had scenes happen where I kill myself and then others discover my body.

Do they care?
Are they sad, angry or disappointed?
Do they fucking care that I'm dead?

I've had a really long streak of being let down. It's really tough to trust anybody. But I keep going.

A Lot to Do

Still struggling with depression an my other symptoms Despite that, we just try to focus and keep moving forward, protecting yourself in the process.

As we try to stay grounded, you have to be careful to screen everything. Weird triggering stuff can happen onlne at any time. If necessary, block and delete.

As others struggle with trying to heal from their trauma, one key for me is to say I can't deal with my pain AND everyone else's all at the same time. My well being comes first. As long as that's okay, if an opportunity to help someone happens, then I'll try.

Why do others who say they're concerned treat you horribly (when they know it's not your fault)? I don't know. Having said that, keep in mind that they have to live with the consequences of their actions. Not you.

Have a great day.