Pain is Always There

Fight symptoms and dropping your guard. Do we really want to destroy our sobriety? No.

You have to fight back. The pain is always there. But you have no choice.

Protect yourself.

Does Long Term Ultra Severe Stress Cause Cancer and Other Health Problems?

Staying in tonight and catching up on lots of writing. A few days ago I talked to a crisis center supervisor about my trauma history. She's based in Hawaii, and I've always thought about possibly moving there. Right now, it's not a good idea because disability doesn't cover all the costs. Then, I talked to a oncological social worker about cancer, stress and how it could make you more susceptible to lots of illnesses.

First, labels. Is PTSD a mental illness? The DMSV (the guidebook for doctors worldwide regarding illnesses) might say so. I say it's a health problem. I have lots of health problems that I'm trying to deal with as best I can:

alcoholism
complex dissociative disorder w/psychosis symptoms
cardiomyopathy
arrhythmia
cirrhosis of the liver
and more

Now, what are YOUR problems?

Can ultra severe long term stress cause lots of illnesses? I think it can. In the past, at times the stress from untreated PTSD was so bad I blacked out. My system literally shorted out. Then, you wake up and have no idea where you are.

It took almost 30 years before my first therapist actually listened to me and helped me for a short period of time. Fortunately, I don't have other diseases like MS, cancer, fibromyalgia and others. But the concern is there.

If you don't deal with the underlying pain in a non-threatening way, what good is taking meds to mask it? If you have to take something, that's one thing. But if not, I'd rather use a holistic approach.

Your thoughts on this. Feel free to post.

Wanting to be Heard (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk).

As long time readers know, we try to stay away from any progressive political or celebrity content. UNLESS, it's helpful in some way to talk about it, and how it relates to trauma. By now, the whole world knows about Robin Williams' suicide. Yes, it's horrible, and it's too bad that the corporate MSM could care less about the family's privacy. WE MUST KNOW EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT THIS.

Actually, no you don't.

Every trauma story is different. There is no magic cure to fix all problems. Why did he kill himself? Unless the family chooses to talk about that, that's none of our business.

I've been writing this blog for a long time now. I tried various MSM outlets. But NOBODY was interested. So then I said, screw it. I'll start my own outlet and beat you at your own game. Now, over 1,000 posts later, we're still growing and have NO ADS. Why would you want to profit off of people's misery?

Unlike celebrities, I have to be extremely careful. If I'm outed against my will, I could have lots of serious problems. On the other hand, like all trauma survivors, you want to be heard. You want to have some sense of validation. Victim compensation? I'll never be able to have that.

Where's my sense of justice?

I still have severe PTSD symptoms, plus heart disease and liver problems. I've never had a day symptom free. Why not take meds? The last time I did, I had several addictions, and many people refused to help me. Why then go thru that again? I've thought about suicide. But I would never do it.

I thought I was suicidal. I was in a psych ward, and had to literally fight my way out. NOBODY who said they cared about me did anything to help me.

Nobody.

I'm trying to keep my system as clean as possible. The idea being that equals more of a sense of balance. But the symptoms are still there.

You eventually reach a point where you don't want to continue violently dissociating or doing other things to escape pain. Because it's not an escape. It makes it worse.

Hyperawareness is still a problem. Other people walk by me, and part of me says where's my weapon? I come up from behind them, pin them with one arm and then strike back. Cut their throat before they attack me and kill me. It doesn't matter that they're not armed. You see a threat, and you can't just sit back and do nothing.

Do I want to hurt myself or others? No. I have had scenes happen where I kill myself and then others discover my body.

Do they care?
Are they sad, angry or disappointed?
Do they fucking care that I'm dead?

I've had a really long streak of being let down. It's really tough to trust anybody. But I keep going.

Let's Focus

Hi. Sorry to be away for a while. The past week's been really long and hectic. 5 job interviews and struggling to balance that with symptoms. How do you focus and not cry in the middle of a job interview?

It seems like triggering stuff is everywhere. Can you trust anybody or anything? Much of the time I feel like I'm about six steps ahead of everybody else. Am I the only person that sees that this isn't normal? Am I the only one that sees that this needs to stop? Yet, it goes on because that's how the "real world" works?

Not always, but at times despair and feeling abandoned are there. You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. Despite that, it feels like all the pain and frustration of being a rape survivor is hitting all at once. How do you not feel abandoned? How do you fight back so it doesn't feel like everyone who laughed at you and treated you like dirt is trying to beat you down so you'll just shut up? You didn't ask for this. But that doesn't matter?

Body pain and violent dissociating still happen. You go out, drive somewhere and feel like you're in downtown Kabul. Is everything and everyone a threat? Is the person walking in front of you carrying a semi-automatic and will kill you? Is the person next to you a psycho rapist that will go down on you, cut your throat, rape you and then laugh about it? Will anybody listen to you or help you? What do you do when you feel like nobody will listen?

When you try to ground yourself and you can't, what does that do to your system? How are you supposed to function when your feel totally wiped out all the time?

Meditation and other things can help in different combinations. Then again, what happens when they don't? The fear and despair is there. If everyone says just shut the f**k up and go away, what do you do then?

You can't control what others do and say. On the other hand, being a normal human being with emotions, you're not a light switch. Just turn all of this off and it magically goes away?

How do you cope when you literally can't move? Either because you're exhausted from trying not to black out. Or, from despair?

I could go around the corner to a liquor store and get almost anything I want. What good would that do?

Protect yourself as best you can. If something feels bad, it probably is. Therefore, trust that and do something else.

I know I'm not "weird" in any way. I'm not psycotic, deranged and I don't have any type of disability. I just want to be able to have some sense of balance and not feel under attack all the time.

Now, how do you do that when it feels like 99% of the world just doesn't care?