Pain

Sorry to be offline for a while. But symptoms have been a real battle to deal with. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying talks about facing your pain head on as best you can without endangering yourself. Denial and various ways to escape (drug use, gambling, junk food, sex, etc) will only make pain worse.

Right now, as best I can, I'm trying to not hide behind denial. I can't save the world all by myself. If the worst happens and Trump wins, it's not my fault. Obama says look the other way as powerful Afghans have sex parties and rape the s**t out of innocent little kids. Can I save them, all by myself? No I can't. How come millions of people want nothing to do with this ongoing crime? I don't know.

I just don't want to relapse and literally disappear. In the past, pain was so severe that I literally blacked out. Then, you suddenly wake up and have no idea of where you are. Your system literally shorts out from trauma.

I still have the full range of complex dissociative disorder (CDD) symptoms. It's a never ending battle to not dissociate and fall apart. But what other choice do I have?

You can't save the world all by yourself. Instead, protect yourself as best you can. Your well being comes first. Then deal with Trump, Hillary and all the rest of it.

Exhaustion

You try to wake up. But you struggle to do that and not dissociate. Since I got raped,  only once have I been able to do that. The rest of the time, it's a constant battle to not feel assaulted by noise and pain 24 hours a day.

No news today. No violently triggering stuff. Instead, try to protect yourself.

Severe Burnout

You try not to black out. But exhaustion is always there. The smallest things take an enormous amount of energy.

Protect yourself.

Constant Battle

Don't dissociate. It's a constant battle to try and focus. Flashbacks and body memory pain still happen.

Try to protect yourself.

Trying to Focus

Nightmares still happen. This means waking up around 3 a.m., and then eating breakfast. After that, you try to go back to sleep. But the nightmares are still there.

You try to wake up, and battle to not dissociate all day long. Exhaustion is always there. You can't just sit and do nothing. You have to fight back to try and keep some sense of balance.

What's real and what isn't? You have to feel your way thru a lot of space to not feel many times like you're under threat. You never get a break.

You don't have a choice.
You have to protect yourself.

You just want to feel safe.

Lots of Pain

There's no place to hide. Denial, severe alcoholism, dissociating. You struggle with all of that. But you also try to face your trauma history as best you can.

You feel paralyzed. The smallest things take an enormous amount of energy. You struggle to know what's real and what isn't. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

You're always exhausted. But if you don't fight for some sense of being grounded, you'll fall apart. What other choice do you have?

You don't.

Trying to Focus

Lots of pain flooding out. You have nothing to hide behind, and you fight hard to not black out. Or, to give into feeling totally black and it's just despair. Nothing else.

Triggering Stuff and Lots of Pain

Screen everything. Today, lots of violently triggering stuff is everywhere. You can't save the world from all of the evil horrible people out there. But you can protect yourself as you stay aware.

Lots of body pain flooding out in various ways. One of the worst is lower back and hip pain. Is this arthritis? My GP says no. But on bad days I have problems walking.

What else happens? Nightmares, adrenalin surges and anal pain. Torture flashbacks. Bad days with anger and wanting to attack everyone. Not knowing what's real and what isn't. You have to focus really hard to try and keep some sense of being grounded.

You have to protect yourself.

Being Bombarded with Pain

You try to go to sleep at night. You try not to have late night snacks, caffeine or watching violent triggering stuff. Despite all of that, you wake up every hour. Then it's almost 3 a.m., and what do you do then? Many times we try to have breakfast. Then, go back to bed. You still have nightmares.

All day it's a struggle to not dissociate and black out. Anal pain and torture flashbacks keep happening. Sometimes on bad days you just stay home and spend all day trying to not dissociate. You walk all over the apartment and check to make sure that the psycho rapist isn't there. You could dissociate and maybe escape pain? No, it doesn't work like that. You have to fight back and protect yourself.

Feel angry or abandoned? That still happens. You can't control what horrible people say and do. Instead, you try to protect yourself. You go elsewhere to try and get the help that you need.

You have to face your trauma history as best you can, without endangering yourself. What else can you do?

Time to Catch Up

Sorry to be away for a while. Had to go back to the ER because of a  week of chest pain. The good news is that it was because of exercising too much (and not some other problem). Now though, my doctor no exercise for a month until you see your cardiologist. Stretching, meditation and tai chi practice, yes. But nothing beyond that.

Be very careful and screen everything. Lots of sick and twisted triggering stuff is everywhere. Dissociating is still a struggle. Now though I've got three things that are draining my energy (cardiomyopathy, an irregular heart beat and PTSD symptoms). I still have bad days where you feel abandoned. Nobody can be bothered to listen. Do I really have to do all of this myself?

I still have thoughts at times about raping little kids. But despite that, I'm not crazy. I'm not some psycho pedophile. You feel sad at times because of how hard you have to fight to keep some sense of balance. Nobody else is going to help you. So what else can you do?

Some days you cry and rock back and forth, trying to feel safe. No noise, no being bombarded with pain. You just want to feel safe.

Have a good day.

Cover Your Bases

Sorry to be away for a few days. It's been a doctor appointment, job hunting and lots of other stuff to do. In the whole process, you also try to keep your balance as best you can.

Understandably, there are also rough moments of trying not to attack everyone you see. Anger in feeling abandoned, and also being let down by what feels like almost every person in person that you turned to for help. You're concerned, but also it's your fault so go away? Today was another doctor's appointment. At times, I felt like the doctor wasn't taking me seriously. Do you think I LIKE having symptoms, pain all over and nightmares as well? Do you think it's fun to not be able to see one of the psycho rapists that attacked me, but to be able to see everything else?

We still screen everything. It feels like I'm about five steps ahead of the world. I know everything that's going to be said and what the reaction will be. Having said that, I also try to bear in mind I'm not responsible for that stuff. It's not my job to singlehandedly save the world. Your overall well being comes first.

Why do so many who say they're concerned about trauma survivors end up treating you like crap? You say at times why should I even talk to you? Since I was raped by three psycho pedophiles, only two people have ever taken the time to give me a non-threatening hug and say I'm sorry you were raped.

What kinds of effects does that long lack of reassuring contact have on someone? I've asked various sources, and nobody has an answer. Does this mean that no studies have ever been done of this? I find that hard to believe (if it's true). Is it a matter of falling back on no case is the same? Therefore, there's no standard solution to this? Nice try, but that's dodging the question.

I fight to not dissociate all day long. Adrenalin surges still happen. You feel like you have no sensation in various parts of your body. You have to try and re-focus your energy to feel "normal" again. If you don't, you'll completely fall apart. That's not just irrational fear. That's what it feels like, every single day.

You can't control what other horrible people do and say. On the other hand, you can ask, why are people so cruel? Why is the system set up to make it incredibly hard for real trauma survivors to try and get the help they need? To get anywhere, is it really that bad that you have to have a celebrity "name" connected to it to get attention?

Why do people say "sex abuse" and not rape, whether it's a woman or a guy survivor? Isn't that like saying "enhanced interrogation techniques" instead of torture? Is it because people are eating breakfast or dinner, and we just don't talk about things like that at those times?

I feel like I'm the only person in my "immediate family" (whatever that means) that's not mentally ill. Am I the only one that sees vicious abuse and denial? Am I the only one who sees that saying being raped by a pedophile is "normal" sexual experimentation is seriously fucked up? Can any sane, rational person NOT see that? Shouldn't any person like that be permanently barred from any contact with kids?

Am I the ONLY one that sees that?

Unless I have to look at it, I stay away from the news. It's too triggering, and why would I want to end up dissociating for a week before I regain some sense of focus? This tells me that yes, my symptoms are still that severe.

One key for all survivors to keep in mind. Your body memory and intuition don't lie. I know that a third serial pedophile repeatedly raped me, and nobody did anything about it. I'm telling the truth, and that's all that matters.

On really bad days, I feel like I have cancer, fibromyalgia and MS all at the same time. Plus there's fear and a sense of abandonment. You feel like an orphan and don't know what to do.

Just try to pay attention to how you feel.

How's Your Balance?

Yes, it's another screen everything kind of day. I stay away from lots of triggering content, and feel like I'm about 6 steps ahead. I know all the outcomes, so why bother even looking? Do something more constructive.

What keeps me out of trouble? The biggest thing in dealing with symptoms is fighting really hard not to dissociate. If you eat too late at night, that leads to nightmares and no sleep. Even if I do that, I still fight to not black out all day long. Blocked anger at times is still a problem. You feel like you're going to snap and attack everyone you see. However, I'm smart enough not to do that  (and then do jail time for assault). It's like you're barely above a line and can stay coherent. If you fall below it, you don't where you are.

Do I have any other medical problem at the moment? Not that I know of.

How do you cope with adrenalin surges? One way is to stay off chemicals as much as possible. Even if you do that, you still have to focus to rebalance your chi (body energy). Now, try doing that all day long, and everything else you have to do.

I feel like I have to constantly watch my stress level. If I don't, my pupils dialate and I feel like I have no control at all. When that happens, I try to eat and drink something to rebalance. Is it connected to your blood sugar level in some way? Maybe also to a weakened immune system, or adrenal burnout.

Still looking everywhere for as many job leads as possible. At times emigrating comes to mind. If the new jobs aren't here, do I need to go out again? If I do, where would I go? Austerity cuts/problems are still everywhere. Europe and Canada? No. Australia? Problems. Other parts of Asia? I'm not sure.

Just in my case, I can't just sit back and do nothing. If I do, I feel like a shell. You then have to literally shock yourself back into feeling normal again. On bad days with anger, I scream and feel like I'm going to black out. Am I going to have a stroke or heart attack as well? Many times the usual grounding techniques don't work.

What do you do then?

Who's the third pedophile that repeatedly raped me and got away with it? I don't know. I still have violent jumpcut flashcuts to being raped and NOBODY listens or cares. It's like constant painful body memory. Someone's always trying to attack you (even though nobody's there). If you sit back and do nothing, it feels like a rape scene out of "Deliverance". And nobody's going to save you.

Where I live, concealed guns are legal. Do I really want to carry one and kill everyone who laughed at me and treated me like dirt? The thought comes to mind. But no I don't.

Do you feel like you can trust people? Or, is everyone a psychotic threat that wants to rape you and then  kill you? Hyperawareness is still a problem (at times, at home as well). I have to reassure my little kid that no, nobody's going to break in and kill us. Break ins and murders do happen. Not here though because it's my job to protect us.

Next question. How come nobody protected us from the three psycho pedophiles?

Just bear in mind it's not my fault. I'm telling the truth, and that's all that matters.

Taking a Break

Today is a as-little-bombarding-triggering-stuff-as-possible day. No news, no corporate 24/7 radio, no Twitter, nothing. Last night, I reached a point where I literally said ENOUGH. Look if you have to. If not, stay away from it. Being aware and caring is fine. Then again, you overall well-being comes first. It's literally to the point where I can't handle all of my trauma flooding out AND everyone else's. It's too much.

My diet and other things are still as holistic as possible. Many former favorite foods and drinks are too triggering, toxic and more. What do I do now?

As much as possible, listen to the effects of things on you. The "correct therapeutic term" is somatic. Basically, pay attention to how you feel. I just feel like I have to protect myself as reasonably as possible.

Because, nobody else will do it for me.

Another idea. Setting boundaries and saying no when necessary is okay. If others are horrible to you and endlessly manipulate and treat you like crap, that's their problem. It's not your responsibility to save everyone else. Why? Because everyone's responsible for what they do or say. From Obama on down to the rest of us. Then, you live with the consequences.

If someone tries to manipulate you with guilt (it's not my fault, how could you be so cruel to your own mother/father, life isn't a scorecard) in many ways, one response would be this. You can try to manipulate facts all you want. However, that doesn't change the fact that this has been a lifetime of abuse from you.

After a certain point, you say, okay. From now on, you're on your own. I'm not going to beg you or try to save you or do anything. I'm not going to waste my life on wishing for something that will never happen. I'm telling the truth about being raped by three pedophiles who will never be prosecuted. You can be as horrible as you want. However, despite that, I'll be okay and keep moving forward as positively as possible. Go pick on somebody else. I don't want to play anymore.

Nobody else is going to protect you. I was raped by three pedophiles, and NOBODY protected me. However, I don't want to also end up like everybody else is a threat.

No bombarding stimulus tomorrow? We'll see.

Trying to Stay Connected

Enjoying the weekend (unless it's already Monday where you are. Which makes this a very silly opening)? Bear with me as some techincal problems are happening as I post. But we'll fix it.

Tomorrow is another therapist session. Symptoms and despair are still there. My mantra for the day? I'm telling the truth. No matter what other horrible people say and do, I will protect myself.

Your intuition and body memory don't lie. Especially when it comes to dealing with healing from trauma.

Do Everything You Can

Lots to do at home right now. Then, maybe off to the bookstore to stock up on some new magazines. It sucks when you see the online version and they only give you two sentences of their cover story. For the rest (and to get past our pay wall), please pay $29.95. No thanks.

What's one of the hardest things to deal with right now with PTSD symptoms? Realizing that some people will never change from massive denial about being raped. I've done everything I reasonably can, and the parents will be in denial for the rest of their lives about me being raped, and the fact that they committed a serious crime by not doing anything about it.

What does this mean? They have to live with that, not me. It's not my job to psychoanalyze them or save them in any way. I won't be manipulated by a bully's massive denial of the truth. You have to set boundaries and protect yourself because nobody else will do it for you. I'm sad, but I know I'm telling the truth. That's all that matters.

The therapist appt. is in about two weeks. Meanwhile, it's protect your overall well being, find a new job, stop borrowing money and then get off benefits.

Why is it that many will never admit that guys and women get raped? You've heard the excuses:

The percentage is so low it's not worth even talking about.
The "feminist" answer: Men continue to have the power in society. So how could they possibly understand what it's like for women? And no, I don't give a shit what the fuck guys think about that.

These are various "experts" in mental health and just in general people that most would assume would actually know better. Yet, there's some unwritten rule that we just don't talk about that in polite society.

Guy survivors exist. Everyone knows it. Despite that, we'll fight you every step of the way before we stoop that low and publically admit that?

What does it take to be heard? Do I have to post a KONY 2012 style You Tube clip? If I did, would I instantly get 4 million comments on it? I've posted comments in various high profile sites. 98% of the time NOBODY responds. Of course, nobody has to do anything. Despite that, what does that say?

Understandably, many survivors aren't ready to seek help or speak out.
There's no way for the MSM to get ratings from this UNLESS it's yet another "shocking expose" about innocent little kids getting raped by a pedophile priest who we all know will never ever be prosecuted. But it makes for great TV.

I can post a clip about being a rape survivor, and maybe I'll get 50 hits. Meanwhile, Samuel L. Jackson can post a clip, say motherfucker and get 3 million.

Do we live in a 24/7 celeb megahype society? Or, do we live in a society that actually pays attention to its citizens?

Post for the NSA

Time to break our normal "no progressive politics" rule for a moment. Why? Because there's so much talk about hacking, spying and other forms of surveillance. Which means that while this can add to your trauma, you can also take steps to protect yourself.

Don't leave any obvious clues for a hacker to connect.
Frequently change your passwords and user names. You know the obvious about not using Mom as one example. Instead, make it as challenging as possible.
Use secure email.
Try to find a reputable secure software for your mobile.
Use free IM messaging. If you have an I-phone, use texts as much as possible.

Now, will this slow the govt. down in their spying? Considering the supercomputers that they use, probably not. Can we attach huge files to every message and slow the system down? Probably not.
Then again, you're only responsible for your own safety. Not for the entire world.

Other than that, I'm really sticking to protecting myself. Hope you do the same.

Cover Your Bases

Fighting to keep a sense of focus. Pay attention to how you feel and protect yourself. Screen everything.

Trust your intuition that you're doing the right things. Because right now, staying focused (or trying to) is at times scary and exhausting. Then again, it's all a survival mechanism.

Validation

Went to the psychiatrist earlier today. The biggest result? Validation that I'm doing the right things to try and heal overall. Now it's a referral to someone else and we'll see what happens there.

After that, it's a mix of validation and sadness, all at the same time. On the other hand, you do everything you have to to protect yourself. Because nobody else will do it for you.

As severe and horrible as my symptoms are, it's all a perfectly normal survival mechanism. I don't know where you are in your healing. Despite that, maybe that will help as you go along as well.

One Way to Cope

It's a  long weekend of fighting to not dissociate and black out. Much of the past two days has been just lying down and resting. You feel like you have literally no energy at all, but you can't let up for a second. If you do, you feel like you have no control.

In a few days I go to my psychiatrist appt. Like any normal person who's a trauma survivor, I want to be in the best place overall to get the treatment that I know that I need. I don't know what treatment is like in many other countries. However, here (for whatever reasons), many either don't want to hear about guy rape survivors or just don't take you seriously. It's the old "he's making this up to smear somebody" mentality.

I just set that aside and keep going. Also, have as many options as possible. If one place doesn't work, go elsewhere. If it means moving to get the proper treatment, how do I do that and pay for it?

Not all but many doctors and therapists here (in the "greatest medical system in the world") want nothing to do with health coverage or sliding scale fees. Many employers want to move people down to part-time from full-time because they hate Obama and "Obamacare". Generally, holistic treatments are twice as expensive as traditional ones.

Since I don't want bullies who use money as a weapon to control people to have power over myself and my treatment, how do I pay for this? I'm trying to come up with a low stress home business/job that will let me cover all my expenses.

I can't get any victim compensation because the statute of limitations in my case have run out. You have to prove to prosecutors that it's not a waste of their time to go after the possibly one remaining pedophile who might be alive.

I'm trying to space out more medical tests and other expenses while at the same time not feeling like I can't do anything else. At the moment, I'm living on practically no money.

I feel like all of my symptoms and backed up trauma is flooding out all at once. All of the junk food and other triggering stuff that I used to do is also catching up with me?

How long does it take to heal from all of this? I have no idea.

When dissociating is violent, I don't know where I am. Even if you ground yourself, many times that doesn't work.

What do you do then?

All of this is a normal survival response.

Don't Let Up

More focusing today on not blacking out from dissociating. We still set boundaries and have to make some changes to protect ourselves. It still feels like non-stop fighting all day long, and do everything else that you have to do.

As for other things like despair and abandonment, those are still there. The appt. with the psychiatrist is next week. I'm just trying to have as many options as possible to get the treatment that I need. Also, to have control over it (and not somebody else).

Why are the hallucinations and other problems still there as you try to detoxify your system? I'm not sure.