Exhaustion

You try to wake up. But you struggle to do that and not dissociate. Since I got raped,  only once have I been able to do that. The rest of the time, it's a constant battle to not feel assaulted by noise and pain 24 hours a day.

No news today. No violently triggering stuff. Instead, try to protect yourself.

Small Things

You try to get thru your day. But it takes an enormous amount of energy to do the smallest things. Trying to wake up and not disssociate. Take a shower. Fix lunch. By the end of the day, you can barely move. But you don't have a choice.

You have to fight back. You have to try to keep some sense of being grounded.

What's Real and What Isn't?

Trying to pace ourselves as we get different things done. But we still struggle with nightmares, body pain and dissociating. What's real and what isn't? The pain of our trauma history and how it's still painful now leaves you feeling paralyzed.

But what else can you do?

Focus and Try to Move

Trying to focus and not dissociate. Go in stages and try to do different things at home. No TV because it's way too triggering. Instead, protect yourself.

Don't black out. Screen everything, and protect yourself.

Don't Black Out

Trying to get things done at home. Pace yourself and don't dissociate. Don't black out. It won't make pain easier to cope with. Just the opposite.

Protect yourself.

Trying to Focus

More nightmares and exhaustion. Trying to focus on what's real and what isn't. Protect yourself.

Feeling Empty

You try to go thru the day and protect yourself. But you feel empty. You feel abandoned.

What do you do?

Protect Yourself

Into the holiday weekend, and trying hard to not dissociate. Part of this means screening everything. If you try to watch any TV, turn the sound down to avoid being violently triggered. Weird stuff comes out of nowhere. At other times you scream and concentrate to not black out from dissociating.

Do psychosis symptoms still happen? Sometimes yes. Someone's trying to kill you. Monsters are trying to attack you or destroy you. You can't just sit back and do nothing You have to fight back. You're exhausted and lie down at times in the middle of the day. But you can't just sit there.

Sometimes you don't know what's real and what isn't. You spend the whole day walking around at home at checking everywhere. No, there's nobody here. In the corner. Under the bed. Hiding in the shower. You have to protect yourself.

Can you single handedly save the world? No you can't. You're aware, but you check the impulse to take on the world's pain. You're alone is hard enough.

Do you feel paralyzed at times because you have nothing to hide behind anymore? Denial, dissociating, binge drinking and more. Now, we don't have any of that. This means at times you have moments of clarity. Then, pain that hits all of you. Sometimes you just sit and try to not black out from it. Don't attack anybody. You just want to protect yourself.

You don't have a choice.

Severity of Symptoms

We still struggle with how ultra severe our symptoms have been and continue to be. You just try to protect yourself.

Don't dissociate. Do something else. Protect yourself.

Screen Everything

Another day of fighting symptoms and to not dissociate and black out. It's like at times you don't know what's real and what isn't. You have to focus really hard to not black out. You don't want to disappear and have no idea of where you are or just not care about anything.

If we try to watch TV, it's with the sound turned down. There's too much triggering stuff that can come out of nowhere. At other times, no TV and just listen to peace and quiet.

How do you cope with checking your I can save the world all by myself impulse? We try to say being aware is okay. But nobody's paying us to do it all. Be aware, care and put your well being first.

You have to protect yourself.