There Is No Cure

There is no cure for PTSD. Which means like with any incurable condition, you try to protect your well being as best you can. But the pain is always there.

Pay attention to tiny things in how you feel.

Low Energy

How's your Wednesday? Today is an ultra high triggering day. No TV, no commercials. Protect yourself everywhere you go. Still almost no sleep at all at night. You're constantly struggling all day to try and have some sense of energy.

You have to fight back. You have no control over other horrible people. They  have to live with the consequences of what they say and do.

It's like the full horror of our trauma history is hitting really hard. You feel paralyzed at times. You just sit and want quiet. You did nothing wrong. But you feel horrible.

What else can you do?

Feeling Paralyzed

What's it like to have a day free of symptoms? We don't know. You never get a good night's sleep. Then you wake up between 2 and 4 a.m. You eat something and try to focus. Instead, you stretch out and many times get maybe a hour of sleep (if you're lucky). Then it's a constant battle to try and get thru the day with some sense of energy.

You sit still and at times you just want quiet. Don't be bombarded with flashbacks, noise and pain. Just sit and focus on the quiet. Sometimes you can for short periods. Other times it doesn't work. But despite that, you have to fight back. You can't just sit and do nothing. That doesn't work.

The truth is I (along with my little kid and multiples) have seen and had horrible things happen to us. One minute you feel like you have some sense of clarity. Then, you're this close to killing yourself. Would we ever do that? No. But the pain never goes away.

We did nothing wrong.
We're not strange in any way.
The severity of your symptoms is equal to severity of your trauma history.
Pain never goes away.
We won't off ourselves.
We did nothing wrong.

Sometimes we just curl up and rock back and forth. You just want to feel safe.

Symptoms and Exhaustion

A long day of fighting symptoms and to not black out from exhaustion. Too tired to do anything.

Finally Some Sleep

After 2 days straight with no sleep, we finally managed to get a few hours. But the constant exhaustion is still there. Despite that, you have to fight. Don't dissociate. We still struggle with facing how horribly severe our trauma history has been (and continues to be).

You have to protect yourself.

Symptoms and More

Fight symptoms and exhaustion all day long. Triggering stuff feels like it's everywhere. Which means you always have to screen everything to protect yourself.

Nightmares still happen. At other times, split second thoughts about raping little kids also happen. Even though it does, we'll never act on that and we're not a psycho pedophile just because it does happen.

That doesn't change the fact that you feel sad, abandoned and struggle to keep some sense of balance. What  else can you do?

Exhaustion and Pain

Another day of fighting symptoms and adrenal exhaustion. You have to protect yourself. But it never goes away.

Also heart symptoms. Part of heart failure is messed up digestion. I can't handle big meals or lots of liquids anymore. Does it get better? Not sure.

Protect yourself.

Pay Attention to the Small Things

Another day of fighting symptoms. Also, hypersensitive to stimulants. If you have more than a tiny amount, it makes all of my symptoms worse. So you have to pay attention to tiny things in how you feel.

Dissociating is still one of the hardest symptoms to deal with. One minute you feel like you have a moment of clarity. Then, you're one step away from killing yourself. I would never do that, of course. But you have to face that despair as best you can.

You have to fight back.

Trying to Focus

Pain, symptoms and fighting to not dissociate and black out. Constant exhaustion. But you have to fight back.

I'm not crazy. I'm not a danger to anybody. You have to fight back. Pain never goes away.

Trying to Find a Balance

Symptoms are still there. You think you have a moment of clarity, and it's incredibly exhausting to try and hold onto that. You continue to fight being bombarded with pain. Torture flashbacks, nightmare and more.

But what else can you do? You have to fight back.

Bombarded with Flashbacks and Pain

Happy holiday weekend (if you're lucky enough to have one). Symptoms and nightmares still happen. Pain is still there. When I wake up in the morning, you have to focus and deal with dissociating and pain. Many time arthritic.

Then, we're still trying to keep some sense of being grounded. It's like holding onto many things to keep everything in line. It's a constant battle to not dissociate or black out. You also have torture flashbacks and other types of pain.

It's constant exhaustion. You can't just sit back and do nothing, You have to fight back. But flashbacks happen. Constant pain and psychotic episodes. Every day. Nobody helped us.

Every single day.

Don't intentionally put yourself in a position where you'll slip. Dissociating is like binge drinking. It only makes pain worse. You have to protect yourself.

You don't want to turn into some burned out, nasty monster because of your trauma history. You have to protect yourself. You have to do the responsible thing.

You just want to be able to sit and listen to quiet. Sit, listen and don't be bombarded with pain.

Protect yourself.

Trying to Focus

Trying really hard to have some sense of being grounded. But it's a huge struggle. You don't want to fall apart and black out.

What else can you do?

Symptoms and More

Fight symptoms. Torture flashbacks. Don't dissociate.

Set boundaries
Screen everything
Protect yourself

Don't Dissociate

Fight symptoms all day. Don't dissociate. You have to. You can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to protect yourself.

More Fighting Symptoms

A new doctor's appointment. My blood clotting factor is too high. But, no chest pain or shortness of breath for a while now. Despite that, other symptoms are still there. Don't dissociate. Fight to keep some sense of focus. By the end of the day, we're totally wiped out.

What else can you do?

Body pain and Adrenalin Surges

A real struggle right now with adrenalin surges and torture flashbacks. Did one triggering thing set this off? I don't know. But you have to constantly fight to keep some sense of balance and smooth chi low. Otherwise it feels like your nervous system is all messed up. It's like you have horribly severe MS or some other autoimmune condition.

A terrorist attack in the UK. Trump sells weapons to help Saudi Arabia continue war crimes in Yemen. Can I singlehandedly stop this? No. But stay aware, care and protect your well being.

Flashbacks

Today was graduation day for one of my nephews. I've always tried to be as supportive as possible to all of my nephews and nieces. So while I was happy for him, it was also tough because of being bombarded with flashbacks. At my graduation, my PTSD symptoms were horrible severe. Psychotic episodes happened every day.

Nobody helped me.

You have to protect little kids. I was repeatedly tortured by three psychos that got away with it. NOBODY helped us for a really long time.

Pain never goes away.

Not Running Away from Pain

Got through a decent  workout today. But also for some reason there's pain in my back. It feels like it's in my rib cage. Did I break something? No. But despite stretching a lot it's still there. What's causing it? I don't know.

Despite that, I do know that you need to face your trauma history head on as best you can. Arthritic pain is still there. But running away won't solve anything.

No matter what, don't dissociate. Don't set yourself up to where you'll slip into dissociating and go back to disappearing and having psychotic episodes. Protect yourself.

Try to Have Some Sense of Balance

Exhaustion and symptoms are still there. Dissociating is still a struggle. Sometimes you're bombarded with feeling abandoned. But you have to keep going.

You try to set boundaries and protect yourself. What else can you do?

Exhaustion

Struggling with abandonment. Also the feeling of you have to protect my little kid and all other little kids from psycho rapists. You try to cope as best you can.