Now What?

One nice thing about this blog is that while we try to concentrate on trauma and connected issues, the connected issues can cover a lot. Case in point: Trump beating Hillary. Called a support line earlier today, and we talked about not taking on the pain of the world AND your trauma pain all at once. I used to do that, and eventually said enough. As far as Trump winning, I try to look at it like, do the best you can to keep going to make things better. I made an informed choice and voted Green. Now, remember that your well being comes first. Be aware and care. But if you're not together, you can't be effective.

How do you protect your well being? Some days we have no TV at all. You just want to feel safe in your own home. We still work proactively to not fall into a slump that might let us give into dissociating. By the end of the day, you can barely move. On the other hand, you have a brief sense of relief.

I have health problems that I'm trying to deal with as best I can. Stay safe.

Voting and More

I didn't want to be caught in a weird voting situation. Time had run out. Ballots had run out. Voting machines had broken down. I voted early, and today we'll see. Whatever happens, I know I made the right choice based on facts and not rumors. If the worst happens and Trump wins, it's not our fault.

We still struggle with not taking on the pain of the world, along with our pain as well. Be aware and care. But your well being comes first. If we had to emigrate, where would we go? I'm not sure. But it would be the second time in my case.

Fight symptoms. Constant exhaustion. But you don't have a choice.

Fighting to Stay Grounded

Another night of almost no sleep. You try to go to bed and do all the right things beforehand. No spicy foods. No late night snacks. No late night triggering stuff. Don't intentionally put yourself in a position to dissociate and fall apart. Despite doing all of that, you still can't go to sleep. Wake up every hour and ask. Am I still dreaming, or dissociating?

Then, it's usually 2 a.m. You walk around the apartment in the dark and sit on the couch. Try to feel safe. But then, even if you try to go back to sleep the nightmares come back. You're always run down. You're always struggling to try and feel safe in your own home.

Right now, triggering stuff is everywhere. Death, destruction, Trump's racist shit. The media censoring sane and rational people like Jill Stein. How come she never gets anywhere? Not once do any of these media "pundits" ever say, I know! It's because we censor the shit out of her! That's why!

Am I responsible for stopping all of the evil and nasty people in the world? No. If the worst happens and Trump wins, is it my fault? No, it's not. But you still struggle with emptiness, abandonment, anger and more.

You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. But the pain is always there. You never get a break. Then again, the surest way to go to hell is to ignore your pain. Face your trauma history as best you can. So long as it doesn't hurt you in some way.

Why do lots of people say and do horrible things to you? I don't know. But I do know that everyone is responsible for what they say and do. Including them.

It's not my fault
It's not my fault
I did nothing wrong
It's not my fault
I'm not weird, strange, a freak or dangerous
I have no desire to hurt anybody. Including me
Why do other people say and do horrible things?
Can I trust anybody?
Is everyone lying to me?

I've never had one day free from PTSD symptoms. I don't know what that's like. But you can't just sit back and do nothing.

You just want to feel safe.

Bombarded All Day

Pain all day. Exhaustion and fighting symptoms. Don't black out. Protect yourself. Don't dissociate.

You want to feel safe. But the pain never goes away.

Don't Dissociate

Exhaustion and fighting to not dissociate. Protect yourself at all costs. By the end of the day,you  can barely do anything.

But what choice do you have?

Exhaustion

You try to wake up. But you struggle to do that and not dissociate. Since I got raped,  only once have I been able to do that. The rest of the time, it's a constant battle to not feel assaulted by noise and pain 24 hours a day.

No news today. No violently triggering stuff. Instead, try to protect yourself.

Small Things

You try to get thru your day. But it takes an enormous amount of energy to do the smallest things. Trying to wake up and not disssociate. Take a shower. Fix lunch. By the end of the day, you can barely move. But you don't have a choice.

You have to fight back. You have to try to keep some sense of being grounded.

Fighting to Not Black Out

Despair, anger, frustration and abandonment. You fight to try and keep some sense of being grounded. But everywhere you look, it's triggering stuff.

Despite that, you have to protect yourself.

Everything is Triggering

No TV. Screen everything. All of it feels like a threat. You feel like you're going to snap in two. Dissociating will only make pain worse.

No matter what, don't black out. Don't dissociate. Protect yourself.

Trying to Protect Ourselves

You try not to hide behind things that only make pain worse. This means that you try to face your history as best you can. It also means at times feeling paralyzed by anger, fear, torture flashbacks and more.

We know we did nothing wrong. We try to protect ourselves. This means right now no cable news. Also, almost no TV at all. Death, destruction, racism, rich and powerful pedophile rings. It's too much. You feel like you're the only person that sees all of the pain and what's really happening. On the other hand, you can't handle your pain and the pain of the world all at the same time.

Sometimes, you want no noise. You just sit quietly and try to focus on feeling safe. You're bombarded with violent dissociating and torture flashbacks. You try to protect yourself. But you still scream and fight to not black out.

We're stuck. Not sure what else to say.

What's Real and What Isn't?

Trying to pace ourselves as we get different things done. But we still struggle with nightmares, body pain and dissociating. What's real and what isn't? The pain of our trauma history and how it's still painful now leaves you feeling paralyzed.

But what else can you do?

Protect Yourself

Screening everything and trying to do several things at home. Pace yourself and don't black out.

But the pain is always there. You never get a break.

Focus and Try to Move

Trying to focus and not dissociate. Go in stages and try to do different things at home. No TV because it's way too triggering. Instead, protect yourself.

Don't black out. Screen everything, and protect yourself.

Don't Black Out

Trying to get things done at home. Pace yourself and don't dissociate. Don't black out. It won't make pain easier to cope with. Just the opposite.

Protect yourself.

Trying to Focus

More nightmares and exhaustion. Trying to focus on what's real and what isn't. Protect yourself.

No Breaks

Fight exhaustion all day long. You can't black out. Don't dissociate. Do something else. You can't sit back and do nothing.

The severity of your trauma history hits really hard. You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. But everything takes an enormous amount of energy. You try to take lots of breaks, but it doesn't help.

You want to feel safe.

Just Wanting Quiet

You have those days where everything feels like a threat. You can't watch TV, read anything or listen to the radio. Instead, you just want quiet. You just want to feel safe. You don't want to attack anybody. You don't want to hurt anyone.

But the anger is there. Abandonment. Body pain. Flashbacks. What's real and what isn't? It never stops.

Burnout

Almost no sleep at all last night. Then, you struggle to try and get out of bed and have some breakfast. Then, lie down again and try to be able to focus. Then hopefully you'll have some energy and can go into your day.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes no.

Right now violently triggering stuff is everywhere. Almost no TV at all today. There's no reason to watch and then to be violently triggered for days at a stretch. In the past, it took me almost 2 weeks to try and regain some sense of being grounded.

You have to fight back
You can't sit and do nothing
You have to protect yourself
You don't want to fall apart
You're always fighting exhaustion
You can barely get up and do the tiniest things

You just want to feel safe.

Severe Burnout

You try not to black out. But exhaustion is always there. The smallest things take an enormous amount of energy.

Protect yourself.

Don't Dissociate

Try to focus. Don't dissociate. But exhaustion is always there.