Nothing to Hide Behind

You had things to hide behind in the past. Alcoholism, soft core porn, online hookers and more. Now, I don't do any of that anymore. You'll always struggle with junk food. My cardiologist says try to keep your weight under control. Why? Because it's easy for heart patients to put on lots of weight. Then, it takes forever to lose it.

A phrase for the day. In the most non threatening way possible, face your trauma pain head on. If it doesn't come out in one way, it will come out in others. At times, we feel almost paralyzed with pain. You try deep breathing and using things around you to try and have some sense of being grounded.

Then again, what happens when that doesn't work?

Part of my trauma history is that many others in the "immediate family" (whatever that means) are mentally ill. Why? I'm not sure. Then again, I'm not responsible for their health. I will set boundaries in good ways to protect my well being.

You feel paralyzed with pain. It's not my fault. I'm not a threat to anyone.

I did nothing wrong
I did nothing wrong
I did nothing wrong

More as it happens.

How's Your Balance?

Yes, it's another screen everything kind of day. I stay away from lots of triggering content, and feel like I'm about 6 steps ahead. I know all the outcomes, so why bother even looking? Do something more constructive.

What keeps me out of trouble? The biggest thing in dealing with symptoms is fighting really hard not to dissociate. If you eat too late at night, that leads to nightmares and no sleep. Even if I do that, I still fight to not black out all day long. Blocked anger at times is still a problem. You feel like you're going to snap and attack everyone you see. However, I'm smart enough not to do that  (and then do jail time for assault). It's like you're barely above a line and can stay coherent. If you fall below it, you don't where you are.

Do I have any other medical problem at the moment? Not that I know of.

How do you cope with adrenalin surges? One way is to stay off chemicals as much as possible. Even if you do that, you still have to focus to rebalance your chi (body energy). Now, try doing that all day long, and everything else you have to do.

I feel like I have to constantly watch my stress level. If I don't, my pupils dialate and I feel like I have no control at all. When that happens, I try to eat and drink something to rebalance. Is it connected to your blood sugar level in some way? Maybe also to a weakened immune system, or adrenal burnout.

Still looking everywhere for as many job leads as possible. At times emigrating comes to mind. If the new jobs aren't here, do I need to go out again? If I do, where would I go? Austerity cuts/problems are still everywhere. Europe and Canada? No. Australia? Problems. Other parts of Asia? I'm not sure.

Just in my case, I can't just sit back and do nothing. If I do, I feel like a shell. You then have to literally shock yourself back into feeling normal again. On bad days with anger, I scream and feel like I'm going to black out. Am I going to have a stroke or heart attack as well? Many times the usual grounding techniques don't work.

What do you do then?

Who's the third pedophile that repeatedly raped me and got away with it? I don't know. I still have violent jumpcut flashcuts to being raped and NOBODY listens or cares. It's like constant painful body memory. Someone's always trying to attack you (even though nobody's there). If you sit back and do nothing, it feels like a rape scene out of "Deliverance". And nobody's going to save you.

Where I live, concealed guns are legal. Do I really want to carry one and kill everyone who laughed at me and treated me like dirt? The thought comes to mind. But no I don't.

Do you feel like you can trust people? Or, is everyone a psychotic threat that wants to rape you and then  kill you? Hyperawareness is still a problem (at times, at home as well). I have to reassure my little kid that no, nobody's going to break in and kill us. Break ins and murders do happen. Not here though because it's my job to protect us.

Next question. How come nobody protected us from the three psycho pedophiles?

Just bear in mind it's not my fault. I'm telling the truth, and that's all that matters.

A Breakthrough(Contains Graphic Content. Read at your own risk)

Went to my counselor earlier today, and maybe a breakthrough. Unitentionally, do you find that you censor yourself when you feel the need to talk about your trauma (whatever it might be)? Maybe it's because nobody seems to care, or it's just too explicit to talk about. Why then would anybody listen? Better to just not talk about it. I think for a while I've been doing that.

We talked about it, and I made it clear to her that that was in no way a slam on her ability as a counselor. After that, I decided that I'd take a somatic approach. Face it head on as much as you can and get it out thru various ways. 

Why would you feel the need to censor yourself on something that's not your fault?

The feeling of being paralyzed.

The feeling of being trapped.

Nobody's going to come in and save you from the psycho pedophile.

Every sensation (sight, sound, color, feeling) is scary to deal with.

The sensation(s) of the pedophile as he's behind you raping you.

Screaming as he rapes you and nobody can hear you.

He cums inside your anus, and there's no cop there with a rape kit. Nobody takes you to

the hospital to help you. No prosecutor is ready to put them away for life.

Nobody helps you. Nobody seems to care. Am I inconveniencing you by talking about something

that's not my fault?

Women rape survivors are tolerated by society (for lack of a better phrase). Yet, guys don't exist. How many times recently have you heard various people talk about the Steubenville verdict, rape survivors in the military, and in other places? Not once do you hear any talk about guy survivors. Football players are being robbed of their future NFL careers. How totally sad is that? Nothing about the girl who got raped.

Friday Night Football in a small town is an excuse to rape someone? REALLY? In 2013, there are people who actually believe that.

I can't control what others do and say. However, I will do everything I can to protect my health and self esteem. Part of that is to face head on the full horror of being raped. It's not because I get off on being a professional client or love trauma. It's because that needs to be faced. The fact that I didn't for so long doesn't mean I'm a failure in any way. Instead, that's part of surviving. 

Regardless of where you are in your healing, do you still have body pain and other symptoms? Do you feel guilty in some way for being raped? 

I've been fighting PTSD every day since I've been raped. At times, it feels like 98% of the world still doesn't care. Then again, if you don't want to admit that I exist, that's your problem. 

I feel sad, abandoned and much of the time in acute pain. On the other hand, it's not my fault.