You Have to Protect Yourself

Another cold Saturday, and no relief for a while. At least there are no floods. No snow. No hurricanes or other "now it's the norm" severe weather.

That doesn't mean that symptoms have gone away. Dissociating is still incredibly exhausting. Fortunately I haven't had a major slip and gone back to junk food and lots of salt and sugar. Sometimes during the day I just go home and lie down. I want no noise. I just want peace and quiet, and to feel safe in my own home.

Do you still give into the urge to singlehandedly saving the world all by yourself? Activists will say it's your duty to make the world better. My response? Your well being comes first. Because if you're not together, you can't be effective. Even as things get worse and worse; you have to protect yourself first. Why? Because otherwise it doesn't work.

As you deal with your own trauma history, are you being heard? 50 different women say that Bill Cosby drugged and raped them. They sue him, and he sues them. His attorney is now in major spin control mode. Don't be passive. Take control of the narrative.

Call me old school. But anyone who gives you drugs, booze and then has sex with you against your will is a rapist. It's bizarre how some people try to justify this:

Nobody forced this woman to take these qualludes. Nobody forced her to drink this glass of wine. Which means that both she and Cosby had consensual sex. Adultery is not illegal. If your partner finds out, she can sue the shit out of you for everything you've got. But it's not illegal.

Speaking as one rape survivor, that's fucking sick. Yes I know Cosby's attorney is very expensive and good at her job of damage control and suing the fuck out of anybody who dares to attack a filthy rich and famous celebrity.

Obvious question. If all 50 of these women are telling the truth, why does Cosby's wife stay with him? Is it because of his fame, money and power? Is it because she really believes that all of these women are ganging up to get money out of him with lies?

Nobody is ever mentioning the fact of how hard it is for any rape survivor to have the courage to come forward. What if it was 50 guys instead of 50 women? Would there be even more hype, because it involves gay sex? Who knows.

All the more reason to protect yourself. Screen everything to reasonably protect yourself from triggering stuff. Because nobody else will.

Nothing to Hide Behind

You had things to hide behind in the past. Alcoholism, soft core porn, online hookers and more. Now, I don't do any of that anymore. You'll always struggle with junk food. My cardiologist says try to keep your weight under control. Why? Because it's easy for heart patients to put on lots of weight. Then, it takes forever to lose it.

A phrase for the day. In the most non threatening way possible, face your trauma pain head on. If it doesn't come out in one way, it will come out in others. At times, we feel almost paralyzed with pain. You try deep breathing and using things around you to try and have some sense of being grounded.

Then again, what happens when that doesn't work?

Part of my trauma history is that many others in the "immediate family" (whatever that means) are mentally ill. Why? I'm not sure. Then again, I'm not responsible for their health. I will set boundaries in good ways to protect my well being.

You feel paralyzed with pain. It's not my fault. I'm not a threat to anyone.

I did nothing wrong
I did nothing wrong
I did nothing wrong

More as it happens.

The Following Takes Place Between 9 and 10 p.m.

Sorry to be away for a while. We'll try to post regularly.

How's your time zone been this past week? How's your balance? In our case, it's a matter of trying to deal with the full reality of the severity of being raped.

It feels at times like everything is hitting at once. There's despair, abandonment and feeling like almost everything is black.

Does anyone want to admit that we exist?

On the other hand, we're trying to say thanks for many things that are improving. Feeling like you have control over your life again. Now we have the fulltime job to build part time hours around. We have our home.

However, we also have PTSD symptoms.

Then again, it's not our fault.

A suggestion. Regardless of where you are in your healing, please don't cut yourself off from support that listens to you and helps.

Have a great 24 hours.