Today's Balance

It's a real struggle today to not dissociate. Flashbacks, lucid dreams and feelings of abandonment continue to happen. You can't save everyone from all of the evil people in the world. But also, how do you continue to protect yourself?

You don't want to dissociate and vanish. You try to ground yourself, and barely hold on so you don't black out. Now, do that about 100 times a day.

What else can we do? Just bear in mind that we're not "weird" in any way. This is a normal survival mechanism to deal with trauma.

Now, how do you keep your energy level up without lapsing and going back to sugar and junk food?

Not Perfection. Just Balance.

I'm finally starting to catch up on my sleep. Before this, hadn't slept for almost two days. I went to my first doctor's appointment, and in some ways it wasn't surprising. The doctor means well, but has no PTSD training whatsoever Why then am I here? Keep going with getting treatment. But from now on, go somewhere else.

Now, it's focus on holistic healing. Unintentionally, part of the problem in my case has ben poisoning my system with lots of junk food to escape pain which only made it worse. Now, it's time to detoxify overall. Can you do this and still have fun with actual enjoyable foods? Yes, you can. It's a challenge. However, it's not that expensive to do.

The pain of untreated trauma still hits really hard and is rough to deal with. You know it's not your fault. Yet, you feel like you're getting hit with a billion flashbacks all at once. You also have normal concerns:

Do I have to cure myself?
Does anybody want to admit that I exist?
Does a long time with no reassurance damage you psychologically?

Like anyone, you want reassurance and relief from pain. You can't make people understand about trauma. You can't make them admit that you exist. It would be human decency on their part. Then again, am I their psychiatrist? No, I'm not.

Protect yourself as you go along. Pay attention to the effects of things on you. Do you really need to do this? If not, what's a better alternative? The healthier you are, the sharper your intuition. My percentage isn't 100%. But it has gotten better.

Balance is the Key

It's a busy week. The new job is never slow, but we're keeping up. We're also dealing with sadness and feelings of abandonment.

Be as nice as you can to yourself.
You have no control over the horrible things others may say and do. However, you can protect yourself.
It' not your fault.
Has anyone ever given you a reassuring hug in any way?

Despite the feelings of sadness and more, none of it is abnormal in any way.

A Sense of Balance

How's your weekend? Here, it's a mix of study and trying to keep a sense of balance as best you can.
Along the way, it's also try to cope with flashbacks, despair and abandonment.

While you can't control other people, everyone struggles with wanting to be validated and to be reassured. What happens when you don't have that? We've fought that every single day since we got raped. Fought to keep some sense of balance.

How's yours?

Balance and Validation

How's the week going? Here, it's into the new job, lots of information, and going okay.

There's also feelings of despair and abandonment for about 2 weeks now. One mantra is that it's not abnormal in any way, considering all the trauma that happened. Face it head on in the most non-threatening way possible.

It feels like non-stop detoxifying (both physically and emotionally). You cry, you turn things off and don't know what to do. Then again, just cover bases and keep your balance as best you can.

Any other ideas?

One View of Dissociating

Everybody has a different story about trauma. Nobody heals at the same rates, or has the same history to deal with. But the struggle affects everyone.

In my case, dissociating is one of the hardest things to handle. There's mild dissociating (daydreaming), and then there's violent dissociating. Then, you don't know where you are and fight to not black out.

You black out have no idea what your multiple personalities are doing or saying. Then, you wake up and don't know what happened. How do you apologize for that?

When I open my eyes in the morning, many times it's on four hours or less sleep. You try to focus your energy to be able to literally shock yourself awake. If you don't, you feel like you're in parallel universes all day long.

Now imagine doing that every day for a really long time.

On bad days, it almost feels like you have no control over it. It's a barrier that you have to get past. Otherwise, you have no idea of where you are.

Are meds the answer? In my opinion, no. Why? Because they're a band aid and don't help the problem. Is this because of something that one of my multiples or little kid hasn't been able to talk about? I don't know.

The point is it's there. Go to a job interview and fight to not cry or black out.

We know it's not our fault. As terrifying as this is at times, it's not abnormal in any way. Exhausting yes. Also, a normal response in trying to cope with and heal from horribly severe and untreated PTSD symptoms.

What helps you to keep your focus?

It is Friday

Time to stay home for a while to clean and get ready for another open job interview tomorrow. We're trying to keep in mind cover your bases and keep your balance as best you can.

Body pain and despair are still there. On the other hand, it's not our fault. If you have a choice to dissociate and disappear, go the other way and see what happens.

Keep your balance.

It is Friday

Is it Friday? Here, it still is. East of Newfoundland, it's already Saturday. Let's see what happens.

We're covering bases and really trying to protect ourselves. Take things in ten second splits. Meditation and tai chi help in some ways. In others, we're trying to face the full reality of being raped as best we can. It's not our fault.

We're on the right track in our healing.

Is Diet the Only Part of it?

Our awareness of the effects of things on us is very sharp right now. We still have symptoms and have to screen everything. Set boundaries and protect yourself. Cover all the bases.

Diet really plays a role in this. It feels like we can't handle anything acidic. 95% of the diet is alkaline(salads, herbal tea and more). We tried going veggie, and at that time it was too much. It just felt weird to not have protein in meat.

Keep your balance as best you can.

Face Things Head On

We're really tired after a long day of covering job leads. We're also sticking with our holistic routine as well. Tai chi and meditation seem to complement each other. The idea being turn everything off, and just focus on your chi flow.

The tough part is anger, frustration and a sense of abandoment are still there. Also, severe body pain still happens in various areas. At times, you don't know where you are. We still have to fight to focus in the morning to not dissciate and feel awake. Aspirin doesn't work because the caffeine in it makes the pain worse.

What do you do?

We try to keep in mind that it's not our fault. We're covering everything we can. Create opportunities instead of the world coming to you. Also, we have no control over others. However, we will stand up for ourselves (without sinking down to their level).

Time for some herbal tea.

Super Bowl Tips

Yes, it is Super Bowl weekend. For our non-American readers, even if you're not that interested in the game itself, just time it right and you can enjoy all the free food and drinks. If some American says something and you're not quite sure what to say, just smile, nod and then go for seconds.

We still feel like the full reality of being raped is hitting us. Despair is there, and you try to potect yourself and others when necessary. The tolerance for chemicals just isn't there. It's like the healthier your system is the stronger the taste of sugar and other things becomes.

We're just trying to keep in mind it's not our fault. Keep your healthy balance as best you can. Protect yourself, because nobody else will do it for you.

Pace yourself with all the free food and drinks. Have a great day.

The Following Takes Place Between 9 and 10 p.m.

Sorry to be away for a while. We'll try to post regularly.

How's your time zone been this past week? How's your balance? In our case, it's a matter of trying to deal with the full reality of the severity of being raped.

It feels at times like everything is hitting at once. There's despair, abandonment and feeling like almost everything is black.

Does anyone want to admit that we exist?

On the other hand, we're trying to say thanks for many things that are improving. Feeling like you have control over your life again. Now we have the fulltime job to build part time hours around. We have our home.

However, we also have PTSD symptoms.

Then again, it's not our fault.

A suggestion. Regardless of where you are in your healing, please don't cut yourself off from support that listens to you and helps.

Have a great 24 hours.

It's a Real Mix

Some great news and sad news, all at the same time.

The great news? I finally found a fulltime job. Pretty steady hours, good money, one location (so no killer commuting). Also, as long as they don't conflict, I can do a part time job for extra hours.

The scary news is that there's sadness, anger and frustration. It feels like a million different things are hitting all at once. Does anyone care that I've fought incredibly hard to get to this point? You feel like 99% of the world says we don't care. What do you do?

We start next week. This means having control again over your life. Pick up the extra hours and then save money, go back to therapy and then start to pay back people you borrowed money from.

All positives.

Despite that, we're still struggling with sadness and trying to keep our sense of balance.

How's your day/afternoon/evening?

Focus

As you well know, right now there's lots of triggering stuff happening. We won't mention any specifics. Instead, just a suggestion. Unless you have to deal with this, don't. How valuable is your peace of mind (regardless of where you are in your overall healing)? Right now, we stay away from as much as possible. It doesn't mean we're not aware or we don't care. Instead, our protection comes first. If you don't prioritize, how can you be effective?

Break it down into tiny splits. How do I literally go from my desk to my kitchen? How do I get in and out of the crowded store without attacking anyone? How do I keep my balance so I don't hurt myself? It's only right (in my opinion) on bad days to try and protect yourself and others.

One key right now? Facing the reality of how much untreated trauma is still there. You don't have the old stuff to hide behind anymore. Which means on some days you can barely move. It takes forever to try and focus and feel like you have some energy to do anything. You don't want to end up burned out, angry and a nightmare forever. On the other hand, you also have to fight to keep some sense of balance. Your mind/body connection is real. Chi is real. In our view, pay attention to that. Just in our case, taking only meds and cognitive (talk only) therapy doesn't work.

Keep in mind it's not your fault. I'm telling the truth. That's all that matters.

Your Title Here

Staying at home for a while before a latenight snack. How's your part of the world looking? A quick thanks for the support. We're now read in 45 states and 42 countries. All with no ad budget. Can those megamedia corporations say that? I don't think so.

We're still sticking to our holistic diet. Almost 2 weeks now with no refined sugar or caffeine. We're also trying to really keep our ph balance in line. I really believe there's a connection between all of these. We still feel like we're detoxing from eating and drinking tons of junk.

Why? One reason is because many people use it as an escape to avoid horrible pain. In our case, it was a way to avoid having to deal with being raped. Now, there's no shield to hide behind.

Along with moments of clarity come moments of despair. Everything feels black. What do we do now? Is everything and everyone a threat?

Despite all that, we still take things in tiny 10 second splits. How do we go from the desk to the kitchen? Is it safe to turn on the TV?

Keep the mantra in mind that it's not your fault. Also, unless it hurts you or someone else in some way, please spread this blog everywhere you can. Our very cool map on the front page shows our global reach. The latest count says that there are 201 countries in the world. Let's see if we can cover the remaining 159. How cool would that be?

Global Connections

Working at home online and trying to come up with new ways to network. Mix it up as much as possible. The key though is getting in past the receptionist/gatekeeper/whatever to see the boss.

We're really trying to break things into tiny segments. How do we get from here to here? Also, we're making some necessary changes in other areas as well. Do we really need _____ as our cable provider? Why am I watching this? Save time and money.

Speaking of connecting, a holiday reminder. We've been writing this blog for a while now, and we hope you like the content. It's a mix of holistic stuff to help a wide range of global trauma survivors. No ads, no Pay Pal button, and no online store.

All free.

We only ask one thing in return. Please spread this to everywhere you can UNLESS it hurts you or someone else. No spam or spam links. Instead, mention us in every avenue you can. It's how you say it, so the "administrators" won't nail you for spamming. We have no ad budget here. We have no assistants. Which means we do everything.

If you don't want to comment, that's okay. Instead, word of mouth advertising does work.

Thanks.

Back to Balance

Off to cover more bases today. We took a break yesterday because we were just worn out. No leads at the moment, and what do we do now? Plus, lots of symptoms were flaring up as now.

Today, we're using more acupuncture massage to try and have better chi flow. Better flow means better balance. Despair is still there. Then again, what else can you do?

Cover more bases and create as many opportunities as possible. Not perfection. But just balance.

Keep a Smooth Flow

A rough day with adrenalin surges. At times you fight to keep sensation in different parts of your body. It's like your chi flow is messed up, and you have to concentrate and force it back into balance. Now, fight that all day long AND do everything else you have to.

Dissociating is still there. Does it get worse as you try to clean up your diet from lots of junk food? You be the judge.

Do You Feel Stuck?

Sunny and cool in this part of the world. A little more to do at home. Then, time to go out for a nice snack.

We stayed in last night and caught up on some new job leads. Also, there was lots of body pain. Is it all because of our diet? Or, is it something else? We're not sure.

We're still struggling with anger and not wanting to feel cheated. Everything still has to be screened to protect yourself from triggering stuff. Despair still happens, and when it does we feel stuck.

Have a good day.

Holistic Health Stuff to Link To

Outside, rainy and cool. Inside, no noise. No news about celeb gossip, death, destruction and all the rest of it. Just sit back, write and focus on healing.

You can't just sit back and go with your feelings (at least in our case). This means that in fighting symptoms you feel totally drained. Part of it has to do with your diet. With that in mind, here are some ideas to hopefully help you cope in your healing. As a favor to me, please link to this from everywhere you can.

Is refined sugar the same as natural sugar?- In my opinion, not always. The only sources of natural sugar that seem to be okay are things like oranges. Anything else doesn't work.

Is it possible to eat without sugar? With some planning, yes it is. What percentage of stuff in a store doesn't have sugar? Maybe 20 percent.

Do things like sugar, chemicals and various drugs act as stimulants? Yes they do. A can of soda could have as much as 300 packets of sugar in it. Caffeine is a drug. Why do many people love to eat lots of salsa? Because they're sugar addicts (roughly 12 packets of sugar in one tablespoon).

Do these things make symptoms worse? Yes they do.

How do you keep a good ph balance? Pay attention to the effects of things on you. Everybody's different.

What's an advantage of cutting out sugar? You'll save lots of money on groceries. In my case, I could save close to 50% a week.

What does sugar affect in your body?:
Your immune system
Your adrenal gland
Your cortisol level
Various symptoms (ADD, ADHD, PTSD, OCD) and others

I'm just speaking from personal experience. If you disagree, feel free to comment. However, please don't post spam comments or just obviously biased "studies" from wherever. That's a waste of time.

Enjoy your day.