Another Doctor Appointment

Went to see the cardiologist and his assistant today. Some medication changes and then another heart test in 2 months. After that, we talk about all options.

The good news is so far I don't have to have a pacemaker or any other surgery. On the other hand, my appetite continues to go down. That's one common side effect of the various meds I'm on. It's still really frustrating when you feel like you can barely drink any liquids or eat tiny meals.

PTSD symptoms are still there. I still have psychotic episodes at times. Despite all this, I know I'm not insane. I'm not a danger to anybody. Your symptoms are a reflection of the severity of your trauma history.

Protect yourself.

How's Your Balance?

 Kind of a careful day. Careful in the sense of trying to keep a sense of being grounded. Despite that, I still open my eyes and have to really focus hard to try and wake up and not feel like I'm dissociating. Then, how do I get out of bed and walk to my kitchen without adrenalin surges and hallucinations happening? You scream and desperately hold onto solid things.

Then in the kitchen, drink something to help you focus. Nothing with sugar, because that makes it worse. Now, how do I make breakfast without blacking out? After that, you sit and watch non threatening content on TV, and hold onto solid things. On some days, you just stay home and focus on trying to be grounded. By the end of the day, you're so wiped out you can't do anything.

Now, imagine this a daily routine with no break. Ever.

At times, we're really scared. But what else can you do?

Focus

As you well know, right now there's lots of triggering stuff happening. We won't mention any specifics. Instead, just a suggestion. Unless you have to deal with this, don't. How valuable is your peace of mind (regardless of where you are in your overall healing)? Right now, we stay away from as much as possible. It doesn't mean we're not aware or we don't care. Instead, our protection comes first. If you don't prioritize, how can you be effective?

Break it down into tiny splits. How do I literally go from my desk to my kitchen? How do I get in and out of the crowded store without attacking anyone? How do I keep my balance so I don't hurt myself? It's only right (in my opinion) on bad days to try and protect yourself and others.

One key right now? Facing the reality of how much untreated trauma is still there. You don't have the old stuff to hide behind anymore. Which means on some days you can barely move. It takes forever to try and focus and feel like you have some energy to do anything. You don't want to end up burned out, angry and a nightmare forever. On the other hand, you also have to fight to keep some sense of balance. Your mind/body connection is real. Chi is real. In our view, pay attention to that. Just in our case, taking only meds and cognitive (talk only) therapy doesn't work.

Keep in mind it's not your fault. I'm telling the truth. That's all that matters.