Trying to Focus

Another doctor appointment and fighting symptoms. Despair is always there. You try and focus to not dissociate and have a relapse. But the despair almost feels paralyzing. On the other hand, I know we're following the right things.

You have to protect yourself.

Paralysis

Today's one of those turn-everything-off days. You don't want to be bombarded with pain. You turn off all the noise, and try to feel safe in your own home.

But the despair is still there.

It's not the normal ups and downs of everyday life. You sit, and you feel like you can barely move. What do you do? You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. So you just sit.

It takes an enormous amount of energy to do small things. Then after each one, you sit down again and almost feel stuck. What then?

Last night was a real struggle to not dissociate. Today, at times you have moments of clarity. Then, despair. On the other hand, you don't have destructive things to hide behind anymore.

What's next?

Trying Not to Relapse

It's still the weekend. Too late to go out. Instead, stay in with some nice tea and some latenight TV.

No more doctor appointments his month. However, bills and trying to always have as many options as possible.Not perfect control, but trying to feel better and not dependent on others for literally every single thing.

Do you have problems with ange and a sense of abandonment. One minute you feel like you have some sense of focus. Then, you literally fall down and cry becuase tou feel like NOBODY's EVER been there to help. Nobody will listen or do anything to help you.

You don't want to off yourself. You don't want to attack everyone you see. Despite all of that, you still struggle with anger.I didn't ask to be raped by three psycho pedophiles.You don't want to hurt yourself or anyone else. But the anger is still there.

The lucid dreams are still there. The psycho rapist tries to go down on you. You fight back. They try to pin you down, rape you and then cut your throat.

Sorry, but I have to stop. I'm trying not to dissociate. Focus on what's real around you. The anger is still there. But you have to protect yourself.

Just try to keep your sense of balance.

Lots of Despair

Time to catch up. In the past few days, went to the job fair that was basically a waste of time. Many of the employers there (a small number) have lots of problems. One common one is being too cheap to have business cards. You're a major corporation or a startup that can rent office space downtown. Yet, you can't splurge on business cards? Weird.

Another appointment today, and a realization. I'll never have any support from the "immediate family". They're either manipulative, lying, delusional, or just want nothing to do with it. I can't control what other horrible people say and do. On the other hand, everything I'm saying is true, and that's all that matters.

Lots of despair and emptiness.

Trying to Cope With the Ups and Downs

It must be Tuesday. Lots of bases to cover as the next therapy appointment is next week. In the meantime, more job hunting and protecting yourself as best you can. Not perfectionism, but a balance.

What's the hardest thing to deal with in symptoms right now? One would be not giving into violently dissociating. In the past, you could dissociate and disappear for hours at a time and not know where you are. Just like doing a drug, it helps you in a sense to escape pain and feel "normal". Now, deal with that about 200 times a day. What do you do? Do you give in? Or, do you say I'll go the other way? It's really exhausting, but I don't want to fall apart and have to fight your way out of that and old dissociating rituals.

As your system is cleaner and you're more aware, use that to your advantage. In job networking, I'm really paying attention to what's said, and how it's said. Is my timing okay, or do I come back later? How do you get past "please check out website and now go away"?

I can't control what other horrible people do and say. On the other hand, I will set boundaries and protect myself. Despair and crippling feelings of abandonment are there as well. Despite that, it's not my fault. I'm telling the truth, and that's all that matters.

How Much Can You Handle?

It's a mix of a lot today. We can't handle many formerly favorite foods. One minute there's some sense of focus. Then, despair and abandonment. We still feel run down and take breaks during the day.

Is there some other physical problem that I don't know about? Not sure.

We're just trying to cover bases as best we can. Everything still has to be screened. Then again, what else can I do?

Just trying for some sense of balance.

Ongoing Protection

A rough start this morning. Almost no sleep, and do I give in and drink lots of caffeine and sugar? I'm really trying to stay away from that to keep my p/h balance together. Am I still detoxifying from years of junk food abuse? Maybe.

Now, take breaks but try and get lots of things done. No personal assistant, so what else can I do?

Do I still have despair and a sense of abandonment? It's also fighting dissociating all day long. You scream and hold onto solid things around you so you don't black out. You can't just sit back and do nothing.

Protect yourself, set boundaries and feel good about that.

All In 10 Seconds

Staying home right now and time to write. Then to clean. After that, more tea.

Just got back from some morning shopping. And I actually turned down a lot of really sweet stuff. Do I really want about 100 packets of sugar in my system right now? No I don't. Instead, try to focus on some sense of balance.

One minute there's some sense of balance. Then, despair and crippling emptiness and abandonment. However, we're being told that none of this is abnormal in any way.

Screen everything. Set boundaries. We still want some sense of validation and relief from horrible pain. All in tiny 10 second splits.

Reassurance

A long day and a long week. Now, time to kick back for a while and reassure ourselves.

Everybody has moments where they need some reassurance for a variety of reasons. For a few weeks now, I've had a sense of despair. You get up, go to work and do all the other things you have to do. There's also a sense of despair and at times of being abandoned.

You try not to dwell on it. You know that it's not your fault. Despite all that, it's still there.

One way to look at it is detoxifying (both physically and mentally). Being raped isn't your fault. You can't control what horrible people say and do. But, you also want some sense of validation. If someone feels like they've never had any reassuring physical contact for being a trauma survivor, what kind of effects does that have on someone? You could go thru the long explanation of there are no "definitive" studies on this, everyone's different, and more.

All of that may be true. However, we're talking about actual human beings. Not case files for a psychiatry journal.

We just try to reassure ourselves. It's not our fault. Take things in really tiny segments. It's okay to cry all day long.

Unfortunately, there is no instant cure for trauma.

Where Do You Turn? (Contains graphic content. Read at your own risk)

A long week of job hunting, despair, feeling abandoned and now someone saying that pedophilia isn't a "criminal offense". How the **** do you respond to THAT?

As our long term readers know (and for anyone new), I have multiple personalities and my little kid. This is a perfectly normal survival response to being raped or any severe trauma. People have different views about re-integration. I look at it like this connection is important to all of us.

For a long time, unintentionally I didn't listen to them. Imagine an innocent little kid who's attacked and cries for years hoping that Mom, Dad or someone will pay attention and help. But nobody does. Finally though, I did and it took a long time for them to start to trust me. Now I'm proud to say that they do and we value this connection.

What's the hardest part of being a rape survivor? One would be the despair that never seems to go away. You feel paralyzed with despair and a feeling of abandonment. You know it's not your fault. Yet, 99% of the world can't be bothered to pay attention or to care that you're alive.

I'm telling the truth when I talk about being a rape survivor. That's not the only thing I am. But it is part of me.

Why do others say and do horrible things? I don't know. However, I do know that I will protect my health and my self esteem. Nobody else will do it.

It's a Mix of Stuff

Hi. Sorry to be away for a while. It's been a really rough week. Everything from job interviews to not getting any sleep at night from anger and other symptoms coming out. Now, let's catch up.

We try to keep in mind that we have no control over what others say and do. Odds are that Obama won't call back, even if we did get the Oval Office number. It also amazes me how cruel
various people can be without apparently any comprehension or sign of empathy whatsoever.

Despite all that, what helps frankly not just give in and off yourself?

First, despite all the terror of symptoms, abandonment and what others do and say, I know (and my multiples and little kid also know) that it's not our fault. We didn't ask to be raped. We didn't ask to be humiliated and laughed at while we're in horrible pain. Maybe that's one of the hardest things
to deal with in our healing. How anybody could be capable of that.

We've literally had to fight every single day since we got raped to survive. 99% of the world couldn't be bothered to listen or to take us seriously. It's like being attacked every single day. Nobody's going to listen or care.

How then do you survive?

One answer? Nobody forces others who for whatever reasons decide to do and say cruel things. They choose to do it. Which means that like everybody else, they're responsible for what they do and say. It's not my job to be their therapist and fix this for them. They have to live with the consequences.

On really bad days, we just turn things off and cry all day long. You feel like an empty shell and go thru the day doing various things. If someone asks usual things (how are you, did you find everything you need and more), you smile and respond with the usual responses to get out of there. It's not the normal ups and downs that we all deal with. It's endless despair. You wake up in the morning, and everything feels black. You try to focus and then sit. Everything still feels black.

What do you do then?

Many times we just rock back and forth. My multiples and little kid like that, and not always but many times it helps. Why? Because since we've been raped, we've only had ONE person actually give us a non-threatening reassuring hug and actually mean it when they said I'm sorry you were raped.

If that's only happened once in your entire life, what kind of effect does that have on you? You could say everybody's different. Therefore there's no way to really answer that. While everyone is different, from a survivor's perspective that's dodging the question.

What then does help? Maybe just breaking things down into small segments. How do I get thru the next ten seconds without blacking out? How do I cope with horrible feelings of abandonment? Like literally no one can be bothered to admit that you exist.

How would you cope with that?

Anyway, again sorry to be away for a while. I'll try to keep up here as regularly as I can. Any complaints about this, please blame (a) the economy, (b) politicians. Or (c) both a and b.

Despair

It's a mix of good and scary stuff. Two job interviews earlier today. Possibly another one in the next few days. Also, despair and at times not knowing what to do.

You feel paralyzed. You try to ground yourself, but that doesn't always work. What do you do then?

Flashbacks to horrible abuse happen. How come nobody helped us? What's real and what isn't? We can't just sit back and do nothing. You have to fight back.

Keep your self control.

Keep Your Balance

We're struggling with the full severity of being raped. You feel like you're going to scream and fall apart. You try to keep your balance as best you can. Despite that, abandonment is still there.

How do you deal with that?

The Following Takes Place Between 9 and 10 p.m.

Sorry to be away for a while. We'll try to post regularly.

How's your time zone been this past week? How's your balance? In our case, it's a matter of trying to deal with the full reality of the severity of being raped.

It feels at times like everything is hitting at once. There's despair, abandonment and feeling like almost everything is black.

Does anyone want to admit that we exist?

On the other hand, we're trying to say thanks for many things that are improving. Feeling like you have control over your life again. Now we have the fulltime job to build part time hours around. We have our home.

However, we also have PTSD symptoms.

Then again, it's not our fault.

A suggestion. Regardless of where you are in your healing, please don't cut yourself off from support that listens to you and helps.

Have a great 24 hours.

It's a Real Mix

Some great news and sad news, all at the same time.

The great news? I finally found a fulltime job. Pretty steady hours, good money, one location (so no killer commuting). Also, as long as they don't conflict, I can do a part time job for extra hours.

The scary news is that there's sadness, anger and frustration. It feels like a million different things are hitting all at once. Does anyone care that I've fought incredibly hard to get to this point? You feel like 99% of the world says we don't care. What do you do?

We start next week. This means having control again over your life. Pick up the extra hours and then save money, go back to therapy and then start to pay back people you borrowed money from.

All positives.

Despite that, we're still struggling with sadness and trying to keep our sense of balance.

How's your day/afternoon/evening?

Staying In and Warm

How's your week been? Sorry for the gap, but it's been rough.

I'm still on benefits (got cut but for a longer period of time. It balances out?). Symptoms are still there. Lately, despair and feeling abandoned. I'm still covering all the bases I can. Having said that, at times you just sit and don't know what to do.

How do you cope? It's not my fault. I know I'm telling the truth when I talk about being a rape survivor. If others have a problem with that, that's their problem. Being a rape survivor is part of but not the defining thing about me.

Also, I'm not a failure. Keep going.

Speak Out Globally

Here it is, Day 2. And already there's triggering stuff everywhere you look. We had nothing to do with it.

Our suggestion still works. Unless you have to deal with something due to work, why look/listen to or read it? Your intuition is saying this is bad because it's right. This doesn't mean never have fun. Instead, look at the effects of things on you.

Why are you doing this? Is it because it's an escape from pain? Is it because you need it to live? Or, is it because it's second nature and nobody's ever asked you about it before? The cleaner your system is, the more receptive you are. Why not use your inutition as a tool in a good way?

Had two job interviews earlier today. The bad news is while I didn't get it, they liked my background and said call back in a month. We might still need people. Now, it's keep moving and always have as many options as possible.

Another thing to struggle with? How to be heard as a survivor without being in a dangerous position in the process. If it feels like almost no one will admit that you exist, how do you change that?

Create your own outlet(s). While you may not have the megabudgets that the giant global corporations have, you don't need that. Why? Because the rule of quality content leads to word-of-mouth promotion applies. I've never made money off of this blog. No giant  media conglomerate has called and made an offer. Even if they did, I wouldn't sell it. Why? Because corporate profit off of peoples' pain isn't cool. What Google Ad sense ad would YOU put on a blog about various types of trauma?

When I started this, almost no major media outlet would touch this idea. Finally I said, right. I'll beat you at your own game. I'll also do it with no overhead. Can any of those OTHER sites say that? No, they can't.

Don't misunderstand. Just like any other trauma survivor, I want a sense of balance. Part of that is being heard. Thanks for the support and I hope this helps you to be heard as well.

An Early Happy 2013

How was your Xmas break? Here, we tried to stay warm and focused. Despite that, it's still been hard to not dissociate or feel totally abandoned.

It's already 2013. Where? First up in the world is the Chatham Islands (sw of New Zealand). Next up roughly speaking is the Sydney Harbor fireworks. Wherever you are in the world, have an excellent time.

Also, thanks for the global support. Everything here is free, and I only ask for one thing. Pass this onto everywhere you can unless it endangers you or someone else.

Borderline Road Rage

A really scary day with lots of anger and trying not to dissociate or black out while driving. I felt this close to attacking everyone who got in my way. Another scary part is feeling like NO ONE will help you. How do you cope with that?

We know anger, frustration and more are there and have to be dealt with. Now, try and do that AND everything else you have to do.

It is Tuesday

How's your Tuesday? Here, it's lots of job leads to check and Xmas stuff to do.

Also, trying to cope without  some favorite foods and drinks as well. Either it's sugar, caffeine or just chemicals that will make PTSD symptoms worse. Flashbacks to horrible triggering holiday stuff happens, and it's hard to focus. It feels like an endless cycle. You fight to keep some sense of balance because you have to. If you don't, your whole world caves in on you.

Do you feel like someone's listening to you?