Paralysis

Today's one of those turn-everything-off days. You don't want to be bombarded with pain. You turn off all the noise, and try to feel safe in your own home.

But the despair is still there.

It's not the normal ups and downs of everyday life. You sit, and you feel like you can barely move. What do you do? You don't want to hurt yourself or anybody else. So you just sit.

It takes an enormous amount of energy to do small things. Then after each one, you sit down again and almost feel stuck. What then?

Last night was a real struggle to not dissociate. Today, at times you have moments of clarity. Then, despair. On the other hand, you don't have destructive things to hide behind anymore.

What's next?

Now There's a Third Pedophile

I've always tried to pay attention to my intuition. I'm not 100% right, but my percentage is usually good. Now, thru intuition, body memory and flashbacks I'm struggling with a third pedophile that raped me over a period of time.

It's somebody that I knew.
The rapes happened in a familiar place surrounded by various people you're familiar with.
I can't see this psycho's face. However, I can see and relive everything else.

Lots of things to struggle with. Fear, anger, despair. Wondering how you be this sick to do this to an innocent little kid.

If I'm around some people that I know, at times I don't feel safe. Is one of them the third psycho pedophile that's never been convicted? I don't know.

However, I do know that I'll still file the police report and other forms with my compensation claim. I want some sense of validation. Is that too much to ask?