Covering bases, but pacing myself. One minute there's some clarity. Then, can I trust anybody? You feel like you have to have an escape plan because everyone is a threat. You have to protect yourself. What's my weapon? How do I stop them before they try to rape and then kill me?
Imagine going thru a day and always having this fear.
The psychiatrist says that the severity of my symptoms is the same as a vet who's been in way too many deployments and never got the proper help. Now, trauma is catching up to you.
At least I know that everything I thought, have done and continue to do to protect myself is true.
Showing posts with label fight to survive. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fight to survive. Show all posts
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Balance is a Struggle
Not much sleep last night. Lots of dissociating, and at times you feel like you have no control. Today, lots of supplements and just time to rest.
Do you just turn everything off at times? At times I just turn everything off and just sit. I don't want to be on call. I don't want to be bombarded by tons of stimulus and triggering stuff. I just want quiet.
I still have to fight dissociating every day. Another thing to struggle with is messed up adrenal glands. My fight-or-flight response is still stuck. This has meant endless stress at times. Even if you do the usual grounding techniques that many times don't work.
What do you do then?
I know I don't have any other serious physical problem right now. Various doctor appointments and my psych evaluation are coming. In the meantime, take things in really small splits. How do I get thru the next 10 seconds?
Nightmares and body pains are still there. It's not because of eating too late at night or caffeine or sugar to keep up you up. It feels like it's just backed up trauma that's flooding out.
Wi-fi is still one tool to try and cope with dissociating. Have something tangible to listen to or watch.
The other thing? You can't just sit back and do nothing. Far be it for me to tell anyone else what to do in their overall healing. Just in my case, that doesn't work. If you do that, you feel like you're falling apart. Why live like that?
Do you just turn everything off at times? At times I just turn everything off and just sit. I don't want to be on call. I don't want to be bombarded by tons of stimulus and triggering stuff. I just want quiet.
I still have to fight dissociating every day. Another thing to struggle with is messed up adrenal glands. My fight-or-flight response is still stuck. This has meant endless stress at times. Even if you do the usual grounding techniques that many times don't work.
What do you do then?
I know I don't have any other serious physical problem right now. Various doctor appointments and my psych evaluation are coming. In the meantime, take things in really small splits. How do I get thru the next 10 seconds?
Nightmares and body pains are still there. It's not because of eating too late at night or caffeine or sugar to keep up you up. It feels like it's just backed up trauma that's flooding out.
Wi-fi is still one tool to try and cope with dissociating. Have something tangible to listen to or watch.
The other thing? You can't just sit back and do nothing. Far be it for me to tell anyone else what to do in their overall healing. Just in my case, that doesn't work. If you do that, you feel like you're falling apart. Why live like that?
Friday, April 12, 2013
Important Questions
How's your week? Into the weekend, and we're struggling with lots of despair and abandonment.
We came across something online recently that was hard to deal with. Just how severe has our dissociating been from being raped? Every single day from that point, we've had to fight really hard to not give into daily abuse.
Abuse from people who say they're your friends.
Immediate family.
Also, no support from various people in authority roles. I won't go into all the abusive stuff that they said, so we won't end up dissociating for about two week to try and get our balance back.
Having said that, how do you reason with someone who uses double standards? One minute, it's I care about you. Then, I can do and say anything I please. Does that upset you in any way? Am I OFFENDING you in some way (heavy sarcasm on offending)?
No, sorry. You can't have it both ways. I just meekly sit back and do nothing? No.
That's how severely dysfunctional a lot of my fight to survive has been.
Since I've been raped, I've only had half a day of no dissociating. I've never had a PTSD symptom free day.
How does that affect someone?
I know it's not my fault. I know I didn't do anything wrong. Yet, being a normal human being, I feel like I've only had one person actually give me a reassuring hug and say I'm sorry you were raped that actually meant it.
Again, how are you supposed to feel? Yes, I'm a survivor. My little kid and multiples are survivors as well. But also, I'm a human being with emotions and not a case file.
Do you cry every night?
Do you feel abandoned?
Do you feel like people admit that you're there?
How do you set boundaries?
How do you protect yourself from dissociating?
Do you feel like you've been deprived of all supportive human contact since you were raped?
Feel free to comment. Thanks for reading.
We came across something online recently that was hard to deal with. Just how severe has our dissociating been from being raped? Every single day from that point, we've had to fight really hard to not give into daily abuse.
Abuse from people who say they're your friends.
Immediate family.
Also, no support from various people in authority roles. I won't go into all the abusive stuff that they said, so we won't end up dissociating for about two week to try and get our balance back.
Having said that, how do you reason with someone who uses double standards? One minute, it's I care about you. Then, I can do and say anything I please. Does that upset you in any way? Am I OFFENDING you in some way (heavy sarcasm on offending)?
No, sorry. You can't have it both ways. I just meekly sit back and do nothing? No.
That's how severely dysfunctional a lot of my fight to survive has been.
Since I've been raped, I've only had half a day of no dissociating. I've never had a PTSD symptom free day.
How does that affect someone?
I know it's not my fault. I know I didn't do anything wrong. Yet, being a normal human being, I feel like I've only had one person actually give me a reassuring hug and say I'm sorry you were raped that actually meant it.
Again, how are you supposed to feel? Yes, I'm a survivor. My little kid and multiples are survivors as well. But also, I'm a human being with emotions and not a case file.
Do you cry every night?
Do you feel abandoned?
Do you feel like people admit that you're there?
How do you set boundaries?
How do you protect yourself from dissociating?
Do you feel like you've been deprived of all supportive human contact since you were raped?
Feel free to comment. Thanks for reading.
Monday, March 11, 2013
It's a Mix of Stuff
Hi. Sorry to be away for a while. It's been a really rough week. Everything from job interviews to not getting any sleep at night from anger and other symptoms coming out. Now, let's catch up.
We try to keep in mind that we have no control over what others say and do. Odds are that Obama won't call back, even if we did get the Oval Office number. It also amazes me how cruel
various people can be without apparently any comprehension or sign of empathy whatsoever.
Despite all that, what helps frankly not just give in and off yourself?
First, despite all the terror of symptoms, abandonment and what others do and say, I know (and my multiples and little kid also know) that it's not our fault. We didn't ask to be raped. We didn't ask to be humiliated and laughed at while we're in horrible pain. Maybe that's one of the hardest things
to deal with in our healing. How anybody could be capable of that.
We've literally had to fight every single day since we got raped to survive. 99% of the world couldn't be bothered to listen or to take us seriously. It's like being attacked every single day. Nobody's going to listen or care.
How then do you survive?
One answer? Nobody forces others who for whatever reasons decide to do and say cruel things. They choose to do it. Which means that like everybody else, they're responsible for what they do and say. It's not my job to be their therapist and fix this for them. They have to live with the consequences.
On really bad days, we just turn things off and cry all day long. You feel like an empty shell and go thru the day doing various things. If someone asks usual things (how are you, did you find everything you need and more), you smile and respond with the usual responses to get out of there. It's not the normal ups and downs that we all deal with. It's endless despair. You wake up in the morning, and everything feels black. You try to focus and then sit. Everything still feels black.
What do you do then?
Many times we just rock back and forth. My multiples and little kid like that, and not always but many times it helps. Why? Because since we've been raped, we've only had ONE person actually give us a non-threatening reassuring hug and actually mean it when they said I'm sorry you were raped.
If that's only happened once in your entire life, what kind of effect does that have on you? You could say everybody's different. Therefore there's no way to really answer that. While everyone is different, from a survivor's perspective that's dodging the question.
What then does help? Maybe just breaking things down into small segments. How do I get thru the next ten seconds without blacking out? How do I cope with horrible feelings of abandonment? Like literally no one can be bothered to admit that you exist.
How would you cope with that?
Anyway, again sorry to be away for a while. I'll try to keep up here as regularly as I can. Any complaints about this, please blame (a) the economy, (b) politicians. Or (c) both a and b.
We try to keep in mind that we have no control over what others say and do. Odds are that Obama won't call back, even if we did get the Oval Office number. It also amazes me how cruel
various people can be without apparently any comprehension or sign of empathy whatsoever.
Despite all that, what helps frankly not just give in and off yourself?
First, despite all the terror of symptoms, abandonment and what others do and say, I know (and my multiples and little kid also know) that it's not our fault. We didn't ask to be raped. We didn't ask to be humiliated and laughed at while we're in horrible pain. Maybe that's one of the hardest things
to deal with in our healing. How anybody could be capable of that.
We've literally had to fight every single day since we got raped to survive. 99% of the world couldn't be bothered to listen or to take us seriously. It's like being attacked every single day. Nobody's going to listen or care.
How then do you survive?
One answer? Nobody forces others who for whatever reasons decide to do and say cruel things. They choose to do it. Which means that like everybody else, they're responsible for what they do and say. It's not my job to be their therapist and fix this for them. They have to live with the consequences.
On really bad days, we just turn things off and cry all day long. You feel like an empty shell and go thru the day doing various things. If someone asks usual things (how are you, did you find everything you need and more), you smile and respond with the usual responses to get out of there. It's not the normal ups and downs that we all deal with. It's endless despair. You wake up in the morning, and everything feels black. You try to focus and then sit. Everything still feels black.
What do you do then?
Many times we just rock back and forth. My multiples and little kid like that, and not always but many times it helps. Why? Because since we've been raped, we've only had ONE person actually give us a non-threatening reassuring hug and actually mean it when they said I'm sorry you were raped.
If that's only happened once in your entire life, what kind of effect does that have on you? You could say everybody's different. Therefore there's no way to really answer that. While everyone is different, from a survivor's perspective that's dodging the question.
What then does help? Maybe just breaking things down into small segments. How do I get thru the next ten seconds without blacking out? How do I cope with horrible feelings of abandonment? Like literally no one can be bothered to admit that you exist.
How would you cope with that?
Anyway, again sorry to be away for a while. I'll try to keep up here as regularly as I can. Any complaints about this, please blame (a) the economy, (b) politicians. Or (c) both a and b.
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