Emptiness

Another exhausting day of symptoms, and feeling empty in moments of clarity. You feel abandoned, but you have to fight back. You have things to do and you try to get thru them. But many times you just and don't know what to do.

Hope you're doing better.

Trying to Get Some Rest

Took a break yesterday to try and catch up on sleep. When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I don't remember. Today, it's lots of breaks and trying to keep a sense of balance. Is that the cure to PTSD? No. On the other hand, my tolerance for drugs (other than necessary meds) is gone.

How are your symptoms? These days, violent dissociating still happens every day. You have to fight back. You just can't sit and do nothing. Screen everything. I still can't listen to the radio for more than about fifteen or twenty seconds. Then, turn it off because it's too much stimulus.

Do you feel abandoned? I have bad days where you feel like you can't trust anybody. How come nobody seems to care? We did nothing wrong. Yet, it feels like everybody's saying fuck off. This guy rape survivor shit is just too fucking weird.

How are you supposed to respond to that?

When you have flashbacks or hallucinate, is there any pattern to any of it? At times when I hallucinate weird thoughts that have no connection at all come to mind. Why? I don't know. But it's scary because you feel like you have almost no control.

How do you protect yourself?

You just want to feel safe. Set boundaries. Today, no news. Instead, just have safe content on as background noise. Pay attention to how tiny things affect you.

On bad days, I have trouble getting out of bed. It feels like every part of my body hurts. It's not because I worked out too hard. It's backed up trauma coming out.

What helps you to deal with this?

Cover Your Bases

Fighting to keep a sense of focus. Pay attention to how you feel and protect yourself. Screen everything.

Trust your intuition that you're doing the right things. Because right now, staying focused (or trying to) is at times scary and exhausting. Then again, it's all a survival mechanism.

What Else Can You Do?

All day long, it's been fighting symptoms. Try to have 15 seconds with no dissociating or adrenalin surges. What do you have to do?

Diet plays a part in it. Also, not just rolling over and doing nothing. If you do that, it feels like the whole world is beating you down. I don't want to live like I'm in an empty shell all the time.

Time to stretch.

It is Friday

Is it Friday? Here, it still is. East of Newfoundland, it's already Saturday. Let's see what happens.

We're covering bases and really trying to protect ourselves. Take things in ten second splits. Meditation and tai chi help in some ways. In others, we're trying to face the full reality of being raped as best we can. It's not our fault.

We're on the right track in our healing.

Speak Out Globally

Here it is, Day 2. And already there's triggering stuff everywhere you look. We had nothing to do with it.

Our suggestion still works. Unless you have to deal with something due to work, why look/listen to or read it? Your intuition is saying this is bad because it's right. This doesn't mean never have fun. Instead, look at the effects of things on you.

Why are you doing this? Is it because it's an escape from pain? Is it because you need it to live? Or, is it because it's second nature and nobody's ever asked you about it before? The cleaner your system is, the more receptive you are. Why not use your inutition as a tool in a good way?

Had two job interviews earlier today. The bad news is while I didn't get it, they liked my background and said call back in a month. We might still need people. Now, it's keep moving and always have as many options as possible.

Another thing to struggle with? How to be heard as a survivor without being in a dangerous position in the process. If it feels like almost no one will admit that you exist, how do you change that?

Create your own outlet(s). While you may not have the megabudgets that the giant global corporations have, you don't need that. Why? Because the rule of quality content leads to word-of-mouth promotion applies. I've never made money off of this blog. No giant  media conglomerate has called and made an offer. Even if they did, I wouldn't sell it. Why? Because corporate profit off of peoples' pain isn't cool. What Google Ad sense ad would YOU put on a blog about various types of trauma?

When I started this, almost no major media outlet would touch this idea. Finally I said, right. I'll beat you at your own game. I'll also do it with no overhead. Can any of those OTHER sites say that? No, they can't.

Don't misunderstand. Just like any other trauma survivor, I want a sense of balance. Part of that is being heard. Thanks for the support and I hope this helps you to be heard as well.