Symptoms, Torture and More (Contains potentially triggering content. Read at your own risk)

I had a lot of destructive things to hide behind in the past. Now, I don't. Which means that trauma has to come out.

At times you feel really abandoned. Torture flashbacks happen, and you have to fight hard to keep some sense of reality. There's constant body pain (in addition to chest pain from cardiomyopathy). I'm taking some new meds which hopefully won't turn into addictions.

But the pain is still there. At times you feel paralyzed, and just turn everything off and protect yourself.  Nobody else is at home right now. Despite that, that doesn't stop nightmares and paranoid thoughts.

I'm not insane. I'm not a sociopath. I'm not a threat to anybody. If I have thoughts about torturing, raping and killing little kids, I leave the room where they are. You have to do the responsible thing.

I'm just trying to face my trauma history without endangering myself.

Trying to Get Some Rest

Took a break yesterday to try and catch up on sleep. When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I don't remember. Today, it's lots of breaks and trying to keep a sense of balance. Is that the cure to PTSD? No. On the other hand, my tolerance for drugs (other than necessary meds) is gone.

How are your symptoms? These days, violent dissociating still happens every day. You have to fight back. You just can't sit and do nothing. Screen everything. I still can't listen to the radio for more than about fifteen or twenty seconds. Then, turn it off because it's too much stimulus.

Do you feel abandoned? I have bad days where you feel like you can't trust anybody. How come nobody seems to care? We did nothing wrong. Yet, it feels like everybody's saying fuck off. This guy rape survivor shit is just too fucking weird.

How are you supposed to respond to that?

When you have flashbacks or hallucinate, is there any pattern to any of it? At times when I hallucinate weird thoughts that have no connection at all come to mind. Why? I don't know. But it's scary because you feel like you have almost no control.

How do you protect yourself?

You just want to feel safe. Set boundaries. Today, no news. Instead, just have safe content on as background noise. Pay attention to how tiny things affect you.

On bad days, I have trouble getting out of bed. It feels like every part of my body hurts. It's not because I worked out too hard. It's backed up trauma coming out.

What helps you to deal with this?

Run Down

Symptoms are still there. You try and sleep in to get more rest. But sometimes that doesn't work. Usually, I get into bed around 8 and try to stay warm. You try to have some relief from pain, and some days are better than others.

The urge to dissociate is still there. As much as possible, don't do it. Do anything else that you can. Use your environment to try and stay grounded. See what happens.

We just want to feel safe.

It's Not Your Fault

Another day of struggle with symptoms, and occasional weird thoughts about raping little kids. However, the fact that those thoughts are there doesn't mean that I'm some monster. But it still bothers me, and I feel sad.

More appointments on the way.

Trying to Stay Clean

Another week of lots of doctor appointments. Today, we talked about symptoms, diet and trying to keep some sense of being grounded. One minute, there's some clarity. Then you're screaming to not snap and black out.

If necessary, stay home and turn everything off. Just focus on trying to feel safe. We're not responsible for others and what they say and do.

Have a good day.

Almost No Sleep

More appointments and new meds to take. Hopefully these  might give me a better chance at actually getting some sleep. When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I don't remember. Along with that, nightmares still happen.

Also, non stop dissociating. You fight really hard not to literally snap. Some days I just stay home, and try to feel grounded and safe in my own home. I wake up in the middle of the night and check all the rooms to make sure I'm alone. Then, you wake up around 2 or 3 a.m. You can't go back to sleep. What do you do then? Usuually, turn the TV on with the sound down, and rock back and forth holding onto a pillow so hopefully that helps to be grounded. You just don't feel safe staying in bed.

You have to fight to keep some sense of balance.

Intuition

Had another psychiatrist appointment today. She's recommending a new anti depressant to go with my current one. So far, it seems like it won't be a major conflict with my other meds. And maybe it's time to try to to get some relief from nightmares.

The severity of your symptoms is equal to the severity of your trauma history.

Right now, some peace and quiet at home. We want to feel safe.

Finally Some More Information

Spent much of the past two days at Social Security, trying to get copies of the tests they had requested. I finally got them backed up on a CD. Went home and printed everything out, and it's a mix. The psychological one wasn't that much of a surprise. Keep going to therapy, and consider going back on SSRI (psychiatric medication).

The cardiac one in some ways confirmed what we already knew. I have diminished heart function and an irregular heart beat. This is for several reasons:

An irregular heartbeat can be hereditary, in some cases.

The constant struggle to fight to survive being a rape survivor can affect your heart function in many ways. Essentially, your system can only take so much.

Did I make myself sick on purpose? No. But, we're now dealing with some of the long term consequences of not getting help for ultra severe long term PTSD symptoms.

Part of it is to try and keep some sense of balance, and not go back to pefectionism. Also, we'll talk to the therapist next week about meds. The psychiatrist is suggesting that I go back on them. However, in doing some research on meds and side effects, I found an article that says that over the past twenty years it's been proven that SSRI (psychiatric) meds actually hurt you more thna help you. Not once in the conversation did she ever mention that. While I don't expect perfection, this really bugs me. Right now, I feel taking a more holistic approach is better than going back to meds.

The last thing I need is to go back to horrible side effects.