Trying to Get Some Rest

Took a break yesterday to try and catch up on sleep. When was the last time I got a good night's sleep? I don't remember. Today, it's lots of breaks and trying to keep a sense of balance. Is that the cure to PTSD? No. On the other hand, my tolerance for drugs (other than necessary meds) is gone.

How are your symptoms? These days, violent dissociating still happens every day. You have to fight back. You just can't sit and do nothing. Screen everything. I still can't listen to the radio for more than about fifteen or twenty seconds. Then, turn it off because it's too much stimulus.

Do you feel abandoned? I have bad days where you feel like you can't trust anybody. How come nobody seems to care? We did nothing wrong. Yet, it feels like everybody's saying fuck off. This guy rape survivor shit is just too fucking weird.

How are you supposed to respond to that?

When you have flashbacks or hallucinate, is there any pattern to any of it? At times when I hallucinate weird thoughts that have no connection at all come to mind. Why? I don't know. But it's scary because you feel like you have almost no control.

How do you protect yourself?

You just want to feel safe. Set boundaries. Today, no news. Instead, just have safe content on as background noise. Pay attention to how tiny things affect you.

On bad days, I have trouble getting out of bed. It feels like every part of my body hurts. It's not because I worked out too hard. It's backed up trauma coming out.

What helps you to deal with this?

A Lot to Do

Still struggling with depression an my other symptoms Despite that, we just try to focus and keep moving forward, protecting yourself in the process.

As we try to stay grounded, you have to be careful to screen everything. Weird triggering stuff can happen onlne at any time. If necessary, block and delete.

As others struggle with trying to heal from their trauma, one key for me is to say I can't deal with my pain AND everyone else's all at the same time. My well being comes first. As long as that's okay, if an opportunity to help someone happens, then I'll try.

Why do others who say they're concerned treat you horribly (when they know it's not your fault)? I don't know. Having said that, keep in mind that they have to live with the consequences of their actions. Not you.

Have a great day.

Validation

Went to the psychiatrist earlier today. The biggest result? Validation that I'm doing the right things to try and heal overall. Now it's a referral to someone else and we'll see what happens there.

After that, it's a mix of validation and sadness, all at the same time. On the other hand, you do everything you have to to protect yourself. Because nobody else will do it for you.

As severe and horrible as my symptoms are, it's all a perfectly normal survival mechanism. I don't know where you are in your healing. Despite that, maybe that will help as you go along as well.