Time to Catch Up

Sorry to be away for a while. Had to go back to the ER because of a  week of chest pain. The good news is that it was because of exercising too much (and not some other problem). Now though, my doctor no exercise for a month until you see your cardiologist. Stretching, meditation and tai chi practice, yes. But nothing beyond that.

Be very careful and screen everything. Lots of sick and twisted triggering stuff is everywhere. Dissociating is still a struggle. Now though I've got three things that are draining my energy (cardiomyopathy, an irregular heart beat and PTSD symptoms). I still have bad days where you feel abandoned. Nobody can be bothered to listen. Do I really have to do all of this myself?

I still have thoughts at times about raping little kids. But despite that, I'm not crazy. I'm not some psycho pedophile. You feel sad at times because of how hard you have to fight to keep some sense of balance. Nobody else is going to help you. So what else can you do?

Some days you cry and rock back and forth, trying to feel safe. No noise, no being bombarded with pain. You just want to feel safe.

Have a good day.

Post for the NSA

Time to break our normal "no progressive politics" rule for a moment. Why? Because there's so much talk about hacking, spying and other forms of surveillance. Which means that while this can add to your trauma, you can also take steps to protect yourself.

Don't leave any obvious clues for a hacker to connect.
Frequently change your passwords and user names. You know the obvious about not using Mom as one example. Instead, make it as challenging as possible.
Use secure email.
Try to find a reputable secure software for your mobile.
Use free IM messaging. If you have an I-phone, use texts as much as possible.

Now, will this slow the govt. down in their spying? Considering the supercomputers that they use, probably not. Can we attach huge files to every message and slow the system down? Probably not.
Then again, you're only responsible for your own safety. Not for the entire world.

Other than that, I'm really sticking to protecting myself. Hope you do the same.

Validation

Went to the psychiatrist earlier today. The biggest result? Validation that I'm doing the right things to try and heal overall. Now it's a referral to someone else and we'll see what happens there.

After that, it's a mix of validation and sadness, all at the same time. On the other hand, you do everything you have to to protect yourself. Because nobody else will do it for you.

As severe and horrible as my symptoms are, it's all a perfectly normal survival mechanism. I don't know where you are in your healing. Despite that, maybe that will help as you go along as well.

Don't Let Up

More focusing today on not blacking out from dissociating. We still set boundaries and have to make some changes to protect ourselves. It still feels like non-stop fighting all day long, and do everything else that you have to do.

As for other things like despair and abandonment, those are still there. The appt. with the psychiatrist is next week. I'm just trying to have as many options as possible to get the treatment that I need. Also, to have control over it (and not somebody else).

Why are the hallucinations and other problems still there as you try to detoxify your system? I'm not sure.