Don't Dissociate

Fight symptoms and don't dissociate and black out. Our appetite has gone down some more. Now at times small meals are a struggle. Also, scream as you fight to not black out from pain.

Protect yourself.

In and Out of the Hospital Again

How have your past few days been? Here, I was in the hospital again. What happened? I had an arrhythmia attack. Apparently I had a ultra severe reaction to something that I ate that threw my pulse off. I could barely lie down, and then try to stand up and walk slowly. Called a nurse help line, and she said call 911. Called them, and the paramedics did an EKG which showed arrhythmia. Went to the hospital and went thru a long list of tests.

The good news:

No heart attack
No additional damage to add to the damage you're already dealing with

But now, my doctor's saying stay away from spicy food as much as possible. You're one of those sensitive type people to stuff like that. What's really bad about arrhythmia is that it can happen at any time. Even if you're sitting and resting.

Now, just rest. And lots of herbal tea.

Time to Catch Up

Sorry to be away for a while. Had to go back to the ER because of a  week of chest pain. The good news is that it was because of exercising too much (and not some other problem). Now though, my doctor no exercise for a month until you see your cardiologist. Stretching, meditation and tai chi practice, yes. But nothing beyond that.

Be very careful and screen everything. Lots of sick and twisted triggering stuff is everywhere. Dissociating is still a struggle. Now though I've got three things that are draining my energy (cardiomyopathy, an irregular heart beat and PTSD symptoms). I still have bad days where you feel abandoned. Nobody can be bothered to listen. Do I really have to do all of this myself?

I still have thoughts at times about raping little kids. But despite that, I'm not crazy. I'm not some psycho pedophile. You feel sad at times because of how hard you have to fight to keep some sense of balance. Nobody else is going to help you. So what else can you do?

Some days you cry and rock back and forth, trying to feel safe. No noise, no being bombarded with pain. You just want to feel safe.

Have a good day.

Back at Home

Finally back home after spending the night in the hospital. Los of tests to find out, what caused me to collapse? A heart attack or stroke? Or, was it something else? Lots of tests later the good news. It was one of my high blood pressure meds. I was taking too much, which caused my pressure to drop. Now, just pacing myself in the weekend.

After lots of rest Saturday, did a run today to see how I felt. Even though it was an easy pace, there was still some chest pain. A slow pace, and try to focus. Triggering stuff happens aa you go along. But don't push too hard.

After the first quarter mile, do I stop? No, keep going. Many say a run's great because it's just you and your environment. Don't carry your cell or a I-player, because the whole idea is to disconnect. But even if you do that, it's still hard at times to not get bombarded with flashbacks and other signs.

Down the stretch, and then turn the corner. Do I go for a full mile, or just stop at the stop sign? Tried pushing the last 100 yards, and managed to do it. Some weakness, but I did it.

Now, I'm very aware of how you feel. Inadvertantly, I was drinking too much liquid, which can stress out your heart and entire system. So in a good way, pay attention to tiny signs in how you feel. No more just blow it off.

I used to have of destructive things to try and escape trauma pain with. Now, I don't. And, when talking to various doctors and nurses, it was a relief to actually be taken seriously when talking about holistic things.

Small things take a lot of energy right now. If I'm cooking, I have to sit down every 5 minutes and rest. But, nobody's telling me this is a dangerous sign (considering all of my symptoms).

Have a good 24 hours. Super Bowl prediction: Patriots by 7.