Getting Hit Hard

Lots of appointments this week. I talked to my therapist about adrenal burnout. Not being an MD of course, the next step is to talk to a new primary doctor about it. I tried another clinic, but they're too small to deal with complex cases like mine.

It feels at times like you're getting hit really hard by the severity of your symptoms. My first therapist actually said, considering how severe your symptoms have been, I'm surprised you're still alive.

How do you respond to that?

Right now, it feels like there's no energy. Everything is a threat. You can't watch the news, because it's too violent and predictable.  You get up in the morning, and everything feels burned out. Everything takes focus to do.

But despite all of that, I know I'm on the right path. I'm much more aware of how severely untreated trauma can beat you down. You just want to feel safe.

Burnout

We start with one new main doctor soon. In the meantime, it feels like I have severe adrenal burnout:

Always run down
Put on an enormous amount of weight in one day
No insulin/glucose balance
Constantly feeling battered
When you're constantly fighting to survive, sex becomes a low priority

We don't have a death wish. But you're constantly fighting to not fall apart. Almost no sleep at night. Nightmares are still there.

What's next?

Trying Not to Lose Control

Had to stay up late last night doing some PC maintenance. I didn't get to sleep till around 3 a.m. But in the process before that I really had to struggle to not dissociate and black out. Also, to not hallucinate. For whatever reasons, weird thoughts came out of nowhere. They happen, and you fight hard to not just collapse.

Is it because I was so tired? Is it because of something else? Sometimes you have moments where you can't get past thoughts of death. What if I wasn't around? Would anybody care? If you don't fight your way out of that, you feel like you're trapped in an endless cycle.

Part of it too is trying to cover all of my bills myself. Despite being on benefits, I still have to get help from the parents to cover rent and some basic bills. later this week, I'll talk to my therapist about trying to find low income housing that's safe. Instead of moving in with my brother and his family.

I want to keep control over my life and to feel safe.

Global Focusing Techniques

What's the key idea today? Watch your overall balance. If the p/h/ balance is off, symptoms are really hard to control. The tiniest amounts of sugar or caffeine make symptoms worse (including hallucinations). This means no more sugar ever? Try to find a birthday cake or brownies with almost no sugar.

Much of the time I'm really run down. Sometimes I'll just lie down for an hour because I literally can't move. Do I have medical problems other than severe burnout? At this point I don't know. I'm going in stages, with lots of breaks in-between. I do everything I can to reassure my multiples and little kid that we'll be okay. Despite that, flashbacks happen and at times I don't know where I am.

It takes an enormous amount of energy and focus to try and not violently dissociate. Imagine focusing on one thing all day long with no break. If you stop you'll fall apart. Why? because we all know that on bad days the "usual grounding techniques" don't work.

What do you do then?

I'm trying to keep my chi flow smooth. However, it's hard to focus. On the other hand, I'm getting around and getting things done. So there's no disability in any way.

Are you getting the help you need in your part of the world?

Black Friday Stuff

Welcome to "Black Friday" here in the States. It's the day after Thanksgiving where lots of people line up outside stores anywhere from 4 days to 4 hours before they open early Thursday night. Just to be the first person to get in and make it on the TV news. Does this happen in YOUR country?

Meanwhile, still in Friday, is everything black? We're trying to really stick to our holistic diet. The good news is at times there's some clarity. At others, there's despair and feeling stuck. Everything hits you at once, and you feel like is anyone listening? You have to stay away from sugar and caffeine because our system feels like it's been poisoned for a long time. There's an actual medical condition which is where you overdose on caffeine, and then you suffer from hallucinations. How long does it take to detoxify from all of this? No idea.

Back to the job leads.