Happy New Year

Happy 2018. How's it looking in your part of the world? Here, cold and fighting symptoms. Pain is still there, and at times almost feels paralyzing. We try to stay away from triggering stuff as much as possible. But pain still comes. At times, it feels like your muscles just lock and you can't move.

We know we did nothing wrong. It's not our fault. You try and cope as best you can. But the pain never goes away.

Pain Is Always There

You fight symptoms and try to protect yourself as best you can. But pain is always there. In the US, Trump wants to pass his tax cut law. This is just a way to make rich people really rich and destroy the rest. Some consider it to be "normal procedure" as politicians sit around and just deliberately lie. Even though they know they're on national TV, they don't care.

Despite this, you screen everything and try to protect yourself as best you can. You feel empty, but you know you're doing the right things.

Protect yourself.

Fight Symptoms

Constant exhaustion as we fight symptoms and to not dissociate. You constantly have to screen everything to protect yourself. On the other hand, what else can you do?

Fight Symptoms

Fight symptoms and exhaustion. I know that we're doing the right things to try and keep some sense of being grounded. But the pain never goes away.

Screen everything. Some days are extremely triggering content days. No TV. Just protect your well being as best you can.

You have to fight back.

Protect Yourself at All Costs

No sleep at night again. Also, more nightmares. You then wake up and feel like you're THIS CLOSE to going back to a psych ward. Am I insane? Am I weird. No to both.

But you have to fight back. Turn everything off. No TV. Almost nothing online. Screen everything. Is it safe to go outside? Even in crowded places, everything feels like a threat. Everything is a war zone.

I'm not a threat to anybody.

Energy and More

Lately, every day seems like there's violently triggering stuff everywhere you look. Can't watch TV. Everything online has to be screened. Can't livestream tunes for more than about 30 seconds before we need a break. It's too much stimulus.

On top of that, my energy level is down. Appetite is down. It takes an enormous amount of energy to do tiny things.

Went to the latest doctor appointment. Turns out my heart functioning rate has gone up slightly. Still below normal though. Also, I have to have a new MRI to check one of my main heart valves. Then again, no need right now for more meds or surgery.

Are you getting any sleep at night? We try and yet we're lucky if you can sleep for an hour. When you can, it feels like every hour you wake up. Then you try to go back to sleep, and you pick up where you left off in your dream/nightmare/whatever. You know you're not crazy. You're not a threat to anybody. But you have to fight back to keep some sense of not dissociating.

You just want to feel safe.

Trying to Focus

Trying really hard to not dissociate or black out. If you don't, you feel run down and empty. It takes a huge amount of energy to do the smallest things.

Then again, it has to come out.